There are many reasons why you might be interested in opening your relationship up.
Maybe you and your partner have differing emotional, intellectual, or sexual needs, and you think an open relationship might allow you both to better get those met. Or maybe you’re interested in exploring different aspects of your sexuality and identity.
Whatever you’re reasoning, one thing’s for sure: asking your partner whether they’re open to the idea (pun intended) can be pretty darn nerve-wracking. You might be worried that they’ll judge you for your interest in non-monogamy, that they won’t understand or share this desire, that worse, that they might be offended or hurt by the idea.
RELATED: How Many People Have Been in Open Relationships?
“Being honest about yourself and your desires is a very vulnerable thing to do, and requires a lot of trust in your partner and your relationship,” says Allison Marx, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
But don’t stress — we tapped the experts for their tips on having this conversation. Here’s how to ask your partner to open the relationship up in a respectful, emotionally mature way.
1. Know Your “Why”
When you pitch the idea of opening your relationship up, odds are your partner’s first question is going to be: “Why?” So, it’s a good idea to have an answer prepared going into the conversation.
“Do some deep self-reflection work yourself before you even broach the topic with your partner,” says Michelle Herzog, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and founder of The Center for Modern Relationships. “What’s changed? What do you hope to gain, and how could opening the relationship benefit both you and your partner?”
2. Choose the Time and Setting Carefully
This might go without saying, but you probably don’t want to ask your partner how they’d feel about an open relationship right after sex, while they’re rushing to get out the door, or after a long and exhausting work day.
“Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions to have this conversation,” says Jared Boot-Haury, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in private practice.
For example, you might consider bringing it up on a Sunday afternoon while you’re both just hanging out in the backyard, or over a date night dinner at home.
Marx also strongly recommends considering what’s going on in your partner’s life when timing this conversation. Are they under a lot of stress right now? Have they recently been through any big life changes like starting a new job, moving, or dealing with medical or mental health issues? Did you get in a huge fight recently?
“Your partner is much more likely to be open to having a conversation about non-monogamy, and not immediately view this as a threat to your relationship if they are in a good place mentally, emotionally, physically, and if your relationship is already strong,” Marx explains.
3. Ease in With a More General Discussion
One way to lay the foundation for opening your relationship up is to just bring up the topic in a more vague and theoretical way.
For example, says Boot-Haury, you might show your partner an article you read about open relationships and ask what they think about it.
“Then you can use hypothetical questions to understand your partner’s views on non-monogamy,” he tells AskMen. “For instance, ‘What do you think about couples who choose to have open relationships?’”
This will give you a better gauge of whether they’re remotely open to the idea before you make the proposition.
“One of the best ways to start the opening-up conversation is to read and share some of what has been written on the topic,” says Renee Zavislak, a licensed psychotherapist. “While ‘The Ethical Slut’ is the classic source, it’s now rather outdated. I think ‘Opening Up’ by Tristan Taormino is a better place to start.”
Another non-threatening approach, says Zavislak, is to bring up a movie or TV show that depicts polyamory, non-monogamy, or open relationships — like Trigonometry, Compersion, or Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. You might even suggest watching one of these shows or films together to set the stage for your discussion.
4. Lead With Curiosity
“Your partner is more likely to feel comfortable sharing their feelings about monogamy and non-monogamy if you invite an open conversation about relationship structures and values, rather than jumping straight to talking about what sexy activities you want to do after you open the relationship,” says Marx. “So, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than a goal.”
To that end, consider asking your partner questions like, “What are any concerns you have about opening up the relationship?” and “What are some things I could do to make you feel safe and loved in an open relationship?”
This will demonstrate that you care about their feelings, and furthermore, help to ensure you’re on the same page about what your open relationship will look like.
RELATED: Can Open Relationships Go Back to Being Monogamous?
Marx advises really focusing on actively listening to their responses. She also says it’s crucial not to interrupt them or get defensive if they say something you don’t agree with — remember: the goal is to understand where they’re coming from.
“Make it clear that you are open to hearing their thoughts and that their feelings are valid and important,” adds Boot-Haury.
5. Offer Reassurance
Proposing an open relationship to your partner may bring up some insecurity, fear, or jealousy — all of which is totally normal.
“So many partners hear the request to open up as a rejection; it implies ‘you aren’t enough,’” explains Zavislak.
Be careful not to invalidate their concerns while also offering reassurance about your relationship.
“When we take sexual exclusivity away as the main pillar of ‘feeling special’ to our partner and creating emotional safety in the relationship, we have to rebuild the sense of safety and specialness in the relationship,” says Marie Thouin, PhD, a consensual non-monogamy scholar and founder and dating/relationships coach at Love InSight.
Boot-Haury recommends letting your partner know that your interest in opening up the relationship doesn’t stem from dissatisfaction with them, but rather, an interest in exploring new dynamics. He also advises vocalizing what you see as the strengths of the relationship, and how an open relationship might even enhance those things.
RELATED: Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship
“Emphasize the value that your partner brings to you,” adds Thouin. “And reiterate the relationship and life goals you have with them.”
According to Marx, it can also go a long way to promise your partner that their feelings, and your bond with them, will take priority if and when you open up your relationship.
6. Take Baby Steps
“If you are hoping you can have this conversation today and be at a sex party tomorrow, you probably need to slow down your expectations,” says Marx.
According to Boot-Haury, a great place to start is by discussing what potential boundaries you might want to set to ensure that you both feel secure in the open relationship.
Here are some examples of boundaries to consider:
Always using protection when hooking up with othersGiving each other a heads up about any dates you go on with other peopleNot having sex or going on dates with certain people that might hurt your partner’s feelings (an ex or a mutual friend, for example)Scheduling regular check-ins to see how each other is feeling about the open relationship
7. Give Your Partner Time to Process
Don’t expect your partner to be on board with an open relationship right away — instead, says Thouin, heed the old adage: patience is a virtue.
“Even though you’ve probably been thinking and fantasizing about an open relationship for weeks, months, maybe even years before broaching the topic, they probably haven’t had as much time to ponder it,” Marx tells AskMen. “So, let them catch up rather than pressuring them to make a decision about it on the spot.”
RELATED: How to Navigate a Difficult Conversation With Your Partner
Your partner might need a few days — or even a few weeks or months — to really weigh how they feel about the idea and offer an honest response.
8. Be Ready to Accept Their Truth
If there’s one thing experts want you to keep in mind, it’s this: the goal in discussing a possible open relationship with your partner is never to convince or coerce them.
“An open relationship won’t work unless you’re both on board and 100% consenting to it,” says Herzog.
So, if your partner has taken some time to think about it, and their decision is a clear “no,” it’s time to decide whether or not continuing in this relationship as-is will meet your needs.
“If this is a dealbreaker for either or both of you, you need to be emotionally prepared to accept a potential relationship transition or separation,” says Thouin.
9. Bring in a Professional
On the other hand, if your partner is at all interested in the idea of an open relationship, but still has some questions or concerns that you’re unable to address, experts suggest talking with a sex-positive couples therapist who specializes in ethical non-mongamy.
You can find an affirming therapist near you in these directories:
Kink And Polyamory Aware Professionals American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Poly Friendly ProfessionalsPsychology Today (check the filter for Open Relationships / Non-Monogamy in your search)
Consulting a therapist can also be helpful if you’re having trouble agreeing on the boundaries for your open relationship.
“These are difficult conversations, and that extra support might make all the difference in the outcome,” explains Thouin.
You Might Also Dig:
What Does It Mean to Be ‘Monogamish’?Common Mistakes When Trying Non-MonogamyWhat’s It Like to Be in a Throuple?
Maybe you and your partner have differing emotional, intellectual, or sexual needs, and you think an open relationship might allow you both to better get those met. Or maybe you’re interested in exploring different aspects of your sexuality and identity.
Whatever you’re reasoning, one thing’s for sure: asking your partner whether they’re open to the idea (pun intended) can be pretty darn nerve-wracking. You might be worried that they’ll judge you for your interest in non-monogamy, that they won’t understand or share this desire, that worse, that they might be offended or hurt by the idea.
RELATED: How Many People Have Been in Open Relationships?
“Being honest about yourself and your desires is a very vulnerable thing to do, and requires a lot of trust in your partner and your relationship,” says Allison Marx, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
But don’t stress — we tapped the experts for their tips on having this conversation. Here’s how to ask your partner to open the relationship up in a respectful, emotionally mature way.
1. Know Your “Why”
When you pitch the idea of opening your relationship up, odds are your partner’s first question is going to be: “Why?” So, it’s a good idea to have an answer prepared going into the conversation.
“Do some deep self-reflection work yourself before you even broach the topic with your partner,” says Michelle Herzog, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and founder of The Center for Modern Relationships. “What’s changed? What do you hope to gain, and how could opening the relationship benefit both you and your partner?”
2. Choose the Time and Setting Carefully
This might go without saying, but you probably don’t want to ask your partner how they’d feel about an open relationship right after sex, while they’re rushing to get out the door, or after a long and exhausting work day.
“Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions to have this conversation,” says Jared Boot-Haury, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in private practice.
For example, you might consider bringing it up on a Sunday afternoon while you’re both just hanging out in the backyard, or over a date night dinner at home.
Marx also strongly recommends considering what’s going on in your partner’s life when timing this conversation. Are they under a lot of stress right now? Have they recently been through any big life changes like starting a new job, moving, or dealing with medical or mental health issues? Did you get in a huge fight recently?
“Your partner is much more likely to be open to having a conversation about non-monogamy, and not immediately view this as a threat to your relationship if they are in a good place mentally, emotionally, physically, and if your relationship is already strong,” Marx explains.
3. Ease in With a More General Discussion
One way to lay the foundation for opening your relationship up is to just bring up the topic in a more vague and theoretical way.
For example, says Boot-Haury, you might show your partner an article you read about open relationships and ask what they think about it.
“Then you can use hypothetical questions to understand your partner’s views on non-monogamy,” he tells AskMen. “For instance, ‘What do you think about couples who choose to have open relationships?’”
This will give you a better gauge of whether they’re remotely open to the idea before you make the proposition.
“One of the best ways to start the opening-up conversation is to read and share some of what has been written on the topic,” says Renee Zavislak, a licensed psychotherapist. “While ‘The Ethical Slut’ is the classic source, it’s now rather outdated. I think ‘Opening Up’ by Tristan Taormino is a better place to start.”
Another non-threatening approach, says Zavislak, is to bring up a movie or TV show that depicts polyamory, non-monogamy, or open relationships — like Trigonometry, Compersion, or Professor Marston and the Wonder Women. You might even suggest watching one of these shows or films together to set the stage for your discussion.
4. Lead With Curiosity
“Your partner is more likely to feel comfortable sharing their feelings about monogamy and non-monogamy if you invite an open conversation about relationship structures and values, rather than jumping straight to talking about what sexy activities you want to do after you open the relationship,” says Marx. “So, approach the conversation with curiosity rather than a goal.”
To that end, consider asking your partner questions like, “What are any concerns you have about opening up the relationship?” and “What are some things I could do to make you feel safe and loved in an open relationship?”
This will demonstrate that you care about their feelings, and furthermore, help to ensure you’re on the same page about what your open relationship will look like.
RELATED: Can Open Relationships Go Back to Being Monogamous?
Marx advises really focusing on actively listening to their responses. She also says it’s crucial not to interrupt them or get defensive if they say something you don’t agree with — remember: the goal is to understand where they’re coming from.
“Make it clear that you are open to hearing their thoughts and that their feelings are valid and important,” adds Boot-Haury.
5. Offer Reassurance
Proposing an open relationship to your partner may bring up some insecurity, fear, or jealousy — all of which is totally normal.
“So many partners hear the request to open up as a rejection; it implies ‘you aren’t enough,’” explains Zavislak.
Be careful not to invalidate their concerns while also offering reassurance about your relationship.
“When we take sexual exclusivity away as the main pillar of ‘feeling special’ to our partner and creating emotional safety in the relationship, we have to rebuild the sense of safety and specialness in the relationship,” says Marie Thouin, PhD, a consensual non-monogamy scholar and founder and dating/relationships coach at Love InSight.
Boot-Haury recommends letting your partner know that your interest in opening up the relationship doesn’t stem from dissatisfaction with them, but rather, an interest in exploring new dynamics. He also advises vocalizing what you see as the strengths of the relationship, and how an open relationship might even enhance those things.
RELATED: Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship
“Emphasize the value that your partner brings to you,” adds Thouin. “And reiterate the relationship and life goals you have with them.”
According to Marx, it can also go a long way to promise your partner that their feelings, and your bond with them, will take priority if and when you open up your relationship.
6. Take Baby Steps
“If you are hoping you can have this conversation today and be at a sex party tomorrow, you probably need to slow down your expectations,” says Marx.
According to Boot-Haury, a great place to start is by discussing what potential boundaries you might want to set to ensure that you both feel secure in the open relationship.
Here are some examples of boundaries to consider:
Always using protection when hooking up with othersGiving each other a heads up about any dates you go on with other peopleNot having sex or going on dates with certain people that might hurt your partner’s feelings (an ex or a mutual friend, for example)Scheduling regular check-ins to see how each other is feeling about the open relationship
7. Give Your Partner Time to Process
Don’t expect your partner to be on board with an open relationship right away — instead, says Thouin, heed the old adage: patience is a virtue.
“Even though you’ve probably been thinking and fantasizing about an open relationship for weeks, months, maybe even years before broaching the topic, they probably haven’t had as much time to ponder it,” Marx tells AskMen. “So, let them catch up rather than pressuring them to make a decision about it on the spot.”
RELATED: How to Navigate a Difficult Conversation With Your Partner
Your partner might need a few days — or even a few weeks or months — to really weigh how they feel about the idea and offer an honest response.
8. Be Ready to Accept Their Truth
If there’s one thing experts want you to keep in mind, it’s this: the goal in discussing a possible open relationship with your partner is never to convince or coerce them.
“An open relationship won’t work unless you’re both on board and 100% consenting to it,” says Herzog.
So, if your partner has taken some time to think about it, and their decision is a clear “no,” it’s time to decide whether or not continuing in this relationship as-is will meet your needs.
“If this is a dealbreaker for either or both of you, you need to be emotionally prepared to accept a potential relationship transition or separation,” says Thouin.
9. Bring in a Professional
On the other hand, if your partner is at all interested in the idea of an open relationship, but still has some questions or concerns that you’re unable to address, experts suggest talking with a sex-positive couples therapist who specializes in ethical non-mongamy.
You can find an affirming therapist near you in these directories:
Kink And Polyamory Aware Professionals American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) Poly Friendly ProfessionalsPsychology Today (check the filter for Open Relationships / Non-Monogamy in your search)
Consulting a therapist can also be helpful if you’re having trouble agreeing on the boundaries for your open relationship.
“These are difficult conversations, and that extra support might make all the difference in the outcome,” explains Thouin.
You Might Also Dig:
What Does It Mean to Be ‘Monogamish’?Common Mistakes When Trying Non-MonogamyWhat’s It Like to Be in a Throuple?