Hookups are perceived as “no strings attached” pleasure — but that doesn’t mean there’s no etiquette involved. While dinner dates and flowers may not be expected, some basic respect is. Because this probably goes without saying, but the best kind of sex is the kind that leaves both people feeling good.
Unfortunately, recent research shows that women are getting the short end of the stick. More specifically, they’re reporting a lot more negative post-hookup feelings than men, including rejection, regret, loneliness, and general unhappiness. Meanwhile, men are reporting happiness, self-confidence, and even a boost in their mood.
“There are several possible explanations for this, but one that I think is particularly important is that female pleasure just isn’t prioritized in the context of hookups,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a researcher who focuses on casual sex and sexual health, and Scientific Advisor at Arcwave.
“Casual encounters are actually where we see the largest orgasm gap between women and men. So it stands to reason that, on average, women will have more negative feelings about their hookups than men at least partly because women are less likely to have their sexual needs met during them.”
RELATED: Why You Should Go Down on Her on Your Next Hookup
The good news? You have the power to give your hookup partner a positive experience. “Clear communication and self-awareness can prevent misunderstandings and make it so much better — and more pleasurable — for everyone involved,” says Milla Impola, a sex and intimacy expert with ONE Condoms.
Here’s how to handle hookups like a gentleman.
1. Be Upfront
Before you start tearing any clothes off, experts say it’s crucial to make sure you and your potential hookup partner are on the same page.
“Open communication helps build trust and can alleviate anxieties or uncertainties, making the experience more comfortable and mutually enjoyable,” says Rachel Marmor, a licensed mental health counselor and Chief Wellness Officer at PAIRS Foundation
Marmor suggests saying something along the lines of: “Let’s talk about what we both want from this. It’s OK if it’s different, but I think it’s important we understand each other.”
RELATED: Best Dating Apps for Hooking Up
Make it clear that you’re only interested in a casual hookup, and if your partner doesn’t enthusiastically express interest in the same, consider pumping the brakes.
2. Be Careful With Substances
If there’s one rule to abide by, according to certified sex and relationships coach Sam Morris, it’s this: “Don’t hook up when you are intoxicated.
Taking someone home from the bar might seem like a great idea in theory, but there are several reasons why you’ll want to think twice.
For one, it’s impossible to get true consent from someone if they’re under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. We can’t stress that enough.
Not only that, but you’re far more likely to say something you don’t mean or otherwise behave out of character when you’ve had a few. And why run the risk of accidentally acting like a jerk when you’re hammered — particularly when you won’t even be able to apologize for it because you don’t remember it the next day?
3. Discuss Boundaries
“Before hooking up, have an open conversation about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not,” says Impola. “You can totally make it sexy, too!”“What kinds of things feel good for you?” is a good place to start, followed by, “Is there anything you definitely don’t want to try?”
RELATED: Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions
“This conversation can help ensure you’re both comfortable and avoid misunderstandings.”
Bringing this up before you’re naked is ideal, because it can be a lot harder to be honest and level-headed in the heat of the moment.
If your partner shares anything they aren’t willing to explore, remember that’s not your cue to convince them otherwise.
RELATED: How to Talk About Sex, Explained
“Always listen to and respect your partner’s boundaries, and don’t push for anything they’re not comfortable with,” adds Impola. “This helps build trust.”
4. Stay in Your Comfort Zones
Whether you’ve been toying with the idea of finally trying anal or you’re eager to bust out those whips and chains you impulsively bought from a local sex shop, experts say your first hookup with someone you don’t know may not be the best time to do so.
RELATED: The First-Time Sex Tips You Should Know
“Be careful about moving too far past your comfort zone with a new casual partner,” explains Lehmiller. “In other words, now isn’t necessarily the time to try something really adventurous or risky. Save that for situations where you’re with a trusted partner with whom you have excellent communication in order to reduce the chance of things going poorly.”
Once you’ve hooked up with someone two or three times, you may have built up a better foundation to experiment. But at least for that initial encounter, it may be smarter to stick to more familiar terrain — even comparatively vanilla sex if the other person hasn’t expressed any clear interest in kinky stuff.
5. Use Protection
Safer sex is better sex — that’s our motto.
Keep in mind that even if your hookup partner can’t get pregnant, whether they’re on some form of birth control or don’t have a uterus in the first place, that doesn’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections — which is why Impola strongly recommends wearing a condom for all encounters that involve intercourse.
If you’re having oral sex, consider using a dental dam to protect you from herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis, HIV, and syphilis.
Don’t forget to get regular STI screenings — and don’t be shy about asking your partners if they’re doing the same.
6. Follow Up and Check In
A follow-up text only takes a minute to send — and this simple gesture can go a long way.
“How you interact after a hookup is just as important as what happens during it,” says Marmor. “Even if the encounter was meant to be casual, a small gesture like checking in afterward can go a long way in making the other person feel valued.”
RELATED: Rules for Casual Sex and How to Make It Work
Here are some of Marmor’s suggested dialogue ideas to get you started:
Unfortunately, recent research shows that women are getting the short end of the stick. More specifically, they’re reporting a lot more negative post-hookup feelings than men, including rejection, regret, loneliness, and general unhappiness. Meanwhile, men are reporting happiness, self-confidence, and even a boost in their mood.
“There are several possible explanations for this, but one that I think is particularly important is that female pleasure just isn’t prioritized in the context of hookups,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a researcher who focuses on casual sex and sexual health, and Scientific Advisor at Arcwave.
“Casual encounters are actually where we see the largest orgasm gap between women and men. So it stands to reason that, on average, women will have more negative feelings about their hookups than men at least partly because women are less likely to have their sexual needs met during them.”
RELATED: Why You Should Go Down on Her on Your Next Hookup
The good news? You have the power to give your hookup partner a positive experience. “Clear communication and self-awareness can prevent misunderstandings and make it so much better — and more pleasurable — for everyone involved,” says Milla Impola, a sex and intimacy expert with ONE Condoms.
Here’s how to handle hookups like a gentleman.
1. Be Upfront
Before you start tearing any clothes off, experts say it’s crucial to make sure you and your potential hookup partner are on the same page.
“Open communication helps build trust and can alleviate anxieties or uncertainties, making the experience more comfortable and mutually enjoyable,” says Rachel Marmor, a licensed mental health counselor and Chief Wellness Officer at PAIRS Foundation
Marmor suggests saying something along the lines of: “Let’s talk about what we both want from this. It’s OK if it’s different, but I think it’s important we understand each other.”
RELATED: Best Dating Apps for Hooking Up
Make it clear that you’re only interested in a casual hookup, and if your partner doesn’t enthusiastically express interest in the same, consider pumping the brakes.
2. Be Careful With Substances
If there’s one rule to abide by, according to certified sex and relationships coach Sam Morris, it’s this: “Don’t hook up when you are intoxicated.
Taking someone home from the bar might seem like a great idea in theory, but there are several reasons why you’ll want to think twice.
For one, it’s impossible to get true consent from someone if they’re under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. We can’t stress that enough.
Not only that, but you’re far more likely to say something you don’t mean or otherwise behave out of character when you’ve had a few. And why run the risk of accidentally acting like a jerk when you’re hammered — particularly when you won’t even be able to apologize for it because you don’t remember it the next day?
3. Discuss Boundaries
“Before hooking up, have an open conversation about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not,” says Impola. “You can totally make it sexy, too!”“What kinds of things feel good for you?” is a good place to start, followed by, “Is there anything you definitely don’t want to try?”
RELATED: Dirty Talk Phrases That Are Also Sexual Consent Questions
“This conversation can help ensure you’re both comfortable and avoid misunderstandings.”
Bringing this up before you’re naked is ideal, because it can be a lot harder to be honest and level-headed in the heat of the moment.
If your partner shares anything they aren’t willing to explore, remember that’s not your cue to convince them otherwise.
RELATED: How to Talk About Sex, Explained
“Always listen to and respect your partner’s boundaries, and don’t push for anything they’re not comfortable with,” adds Impola. “This helps build trust.”
4. Stay in Your Comfort Zones
Whether you’ve been toying with the idea of finally trying anal or you’re eager to bust out those whips and chains you impulsively bought from a local sex shop, experts say your first hookup with someone you don’t know may not be the best time to do so.
RELATED: The First-Time Sex Tips You Should Know
“Be careful about moving too far past your comfort zone with a new casual partner,” explains Lehmiller. “In other words, now isn’t necessarily the time to try something really adventurous or risky. Save that for situations where you’re with a trusted partner with whom you have excellent communication in order to reduce the chance of things going poorly.”
Once you’ve hooked up with someone two or three times, you may have built up a better foundation to experiment. But at least for that initial encounter, it may be smarter to stick to more familiar terrain — even comparatively vanilla sex if the other person hasn’t expressed any clear interest in kinky stuff.
5. Use Protection
Safer sex is better sex — that’s our motto.
Keep in mind that even if your hookup partner can’t get pregnant, whether they’re on some form of birth control or don’t have a uterus in the first place, that doesn’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections — which is why Impola strongly recommends wearing a condom for all encounters that involve intercourse.
If you’re having oral sex, consider using a dental dam to protect you from herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, hepatitis, HIV, and syphilis.
Don’t forget to get regular STI screenings — and don’t be shy about asking your partners if they’re doing the same.
6. Follow Up and Check In
A follow-up text only takes a minute to send — and this simple gesture can go a long way.
“How you interact after a hookup is just as important as what happens during it,” says Marmor. “Even if the encounter was meant to be casual, a small gesture like checking in afterward can go a long way in making the other person feel valued.”
RELATED: Rules for Casual Sex and How to Make It Work
Here are some of Marmor’s suggested dialogue ideas to get you started:
“I had a good time last night. How are you feeling about everything?”“Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing today. I think it’s important to stay connected, even if we’re keeping things casual.”“I wanted to make sure you feel good about how things went last night. Was there anything that made you uncomfortable, or that you really enjoyed?”
“This reinforces a sense of mutual respect and care, reducing the likelihood of negative feelings such as regret or disappointment,” adds Marmor.
7. Self Reflect
In addition to checking in with your hookup partner, experts advise checking in with yourself, too.
RELATED: How to Know if Hooking Up Is Right for You
“Take time to reflect on how the experience made you feel and what you learned from it,” says Marmor. “This self-awareness can help you understand your emotional needs better and guide your decisions for the future.”
Consider asking yourself: “What was my favorite part and least favorite part of that experience?” “Is there anything I’d do differently next time?” and “What do I want from future hookups?”
“Reflection promotes personal growth and ensures that future hookups are more aligned with your values and emotional well-being,” adds Marmor.
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