If your partner has ever arrived late to a family function because they lost track of time, or made an impulsive purchase on your joint credit card, you’re probably well aware that their ADHD can impact your relationship.
Here’s the thing: There are lots of positive aspects of ADHD, too — in fact, many experts agree it comes with some unique superpowers.
That said, when your partner jumps from household task to household task without ever finishing anything or makes seemingly careless errors when they’re distracted, you might start to get frustrated.
RELATED: What You Should Know About Having ADHD
Remember: Relationships are about working with, not against each other’s qualities. So, to a degree, maintaining a happy and healthy relationship will depend on your ability to accept them as they are. That’s not to say people aren’t capable of changing and improving, but keep in mind that there’s no real cure for ADHD — just strategies for managing the symptoms. (And besides, the idea of “curing” ADHD implies that it’s all negative — which again, it isn’t!)
If you’re wondering: “How do I deal with my partners’ ADHD?”— don’t stress. We talked to licensed therapists who specialize in ADHD — here’s their advice.
1. Understand the Motivation Behind Their Behaviors
It’s all too easy to get annoyed with your partner if you assume that they keep interrupting you because they don’t care about what you have to say. But what if you knew that the reason they were interrupting you stemmed from fear, and from the way their brain works? Would you be able to exercise a little more empathy?
“For many adults with ADHD, there is a fear that they will forget whatever comes to mind,” says Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist, performance coach, and founder of Mental Drive. “And because of the inability to hold information, many adults with ADHD will ‘blurt out’ mid-conversation. They don’t want to lose their idea and as a result, they will fail to let you finish your statement so they can insert theirs.”
Tirrell De Gannes, PsyD., a licensed clinical psychologist, also notes that if it appears your partner isn’t listening to you, it’s not because they’re intentionally being disrespectful or aren’t interested in what you’re saying.
“In reality, they’re probably trying their hardest to obtain all of the information they can but it is difficult to discern what is relevant information vs. what is not, and at some point, they get overwhelmed,” he explains. “This leads to them getting frustrated and often losing the point or forgetting key details.”
To be clear, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t hold your partner accountable. You can — and should — gently point out when they interrupt you or seem distracted during a conversation. But understanding the why behind their behaviors might help you to take them a little less personally.
Doing some research and reading about ADHD will probably help you to understand why your partner acts the way they do, but when in doubt, you can also just ask: “Hey, I noticed you seem to get distracted easily when I’m talking to you and sometimes it makes me feel like you aren’t interested in what I have to say — why do you think that is?”
RELATED: Here’s How to Improve Your Communication Skills
“Understand, accept, and acknowledge that your partner with ADHD simply has a brain that literally functions differently,” says Klapow.
2. Recognize the Rewards
Dating someone who has ADHD has its perks, too. Acknowledging those — not only to yourself but to your partner — can help shift your perspective to a more positive one while also offering them some reassurance.
For example, as Klapow points out, people with ADHD may be more impulsive, but this can also lend itself to spontaneity that infuses energy, excitement, and that much-needed ‘spark’ into a relationship.
“A person with ADHD is almost always down for an adventure,” explains De Gannes. “Also, a partner with ADHD is great to have in moments of need. ADHD is not the inability to focus — it is the superability to focus, just on the wrong things. So a person with ADHD, when invested in helping you, will hyper-focus on what you’re saying and almost always have a perspective to share when you’re looking for feedback.”
Also, according to Tim Kleinknecht, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Alpine Mind Therapy, many people with ADHD have highly creative minds and can find unique ways to approach situations and solve problems.
“And since many people with ADHD have (unfortunately) felt judged or misunderstood because of their ADHD, they’re often highly understanding and accepting of others,” he adds.
3. Set Boundaries as Needed
Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries, says Klapow.
Remember: boundaries aren’t about punishing the other person or controlling them — and they aren’t cruel. They’re actually valuable ways to communicate your needs — and make sure that you feel respected in the relationship. So, ultimately, they’re not just for your benefit, but also for your partner’s.
Let’s say you’re constantly running late for family events because your partner isn’t ready on time and it’s bothering you. In that case, Jephtha Tausig, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, says you can let your partner know that when they aren’t ready to get out the door on time, you’ll just plan to leave without them and meet them there.
4. Brainstorm Hacks & Solutions Together
“Your partner has probably tried every calendar, planner, spreadsheet, and tool out there — many of which probably aren’t designed by ADHDers,” explains Kleinknecht. “While you might feel tempted to make your partner think of systems in the same way that you do, chances are high that their brain doesn’t work this way.”
So, if you’re feeling frustrated that you’re doing more of the household chores than your partner, Kleinknecht suggests including them in the process of making a chore system rather than imposing a structure upon them.
“Physically writing things down helps their recall, and putting it where they can see it like on a post-it can assist them in their ability to complete tasks,” adds De Gannes. “Writing down what they hear is also a great tool for aiding in understanding what they learned from a conversation and what they’ve missed.”
RELATED: Mental Health Basics That All Men Should Know
If they have trouble getting out the door on time, maybe you can help them figure out how much time they realistically need to get ready and encourage them to set an alarm so they don’t get so hyper-focused on another task that they forget to hop in the shower.
And for the partner that frequently interrupts you, De Gannes suggests giving them an object to hold (say, a fidget spinner or your hand) while they’re listening — and giving visual cues like raising your hand or snapping your fingers when they accidentally interrupt.
Tausig says you can also ask them to quickly jot down a word or two on their phone that jogs their memory about what they wanted to say if they have a thought right when you’re in the middle of a sentence.
“If your partner has difficulty misplacing their belongings, start a routine with them that they can count on such as giving them a basket or bowl where they can put their stuff when they come home or are unpacking their work bag or undressing and getting ready for bed,” Tausig adds.RELATED: Dating Someone With Social Anxiety? Here’s What You Should Know
5. Support Them in Seeking Professional Help
You can’t force your partner to seek therapy, but you can be a cheerleader. If you bring the subject of professional support up, it’s important to do so in a delicate and respectful way.
“If your partner has not been diagnosed with ADHD — do not be the mental health professional,” says Klapow. “You can find lots of valuable and useful information online, but it is not your job or place to make the assessment or diagnosis. That being said, it’s OK to have a minimum standard that must be met in the relationship.”
If your partner’s ADHD symptoms are taking a significant toll on the relationship and/or your happiness, Klapow suggests having an open but compassionate conversation with them, in which you express how their behaviors are making you feel. You can share any information you’ve found online, and let them know that you’re willing and eager to help them find support if they’re open to it.
RELATED: Misconceptions Guys Have About Mental Health
De Gannes suggests normalizing the idea of therapy by talking about your own experiences with it, if you have any. Then, if they’re on board, you can help them with the process of finding the right therapist — ideally, one who specializes in ADHD.
“And if you’re struggling with how ADHD impacts your relationship, it could be worth considering couples counseling,” adds Kleinknecht. “This can give you and your partner a safe, nonjudgmental space to talk about your challenges, foster understanding, and come up with solutions together.”
If your partner’s functioning is being affected/disrupted by their symptoms, it might make sense to have a checkup with a mental health professional. You may want to have researched some options in this area ahead of time so that they don’t feel overwhelmed.
You Might Also Dig:
How to Date If You Have Social AnxietyUnderstanding the Toxicity of Weaponized IncompetenceBenefits From Therapy That Change the Way You Live Life
Here’s the thing: There are lots of positive aspects of ADHD, too — in fact, many experts agree it comes with some unique superpowers.
That said, when your partner jumps from household task to household task without ever finishing anything or makes seemingly careless errors when they’re distracted, you might start to get frustrated.
RELATED: What You Should Know About Having ADHD
Remember: Relationships are about working with, not against each other’s qualities. So, to a degree, maintaining a happy and healthy relationship will depend on your ability to accept them as they are. That’s not to say people aren’t capable of changing and improving, but keep in mind that there’s no real cure for ADHD — just strategies for managing the symptoms. (And besides, the idea of “curing” ADHD implies that it’s all negative — which again, it isn’t!)
If you’re wondering: “How do I deal with my partners’ ADHD?”— don’t stress. We talked to licensed therapists who specialize in ADHD — here’s their advice.
1. Understand the Motivation Behind Their Behaviors
It’s all too easy to get annoyed with your partner if you assume that they keep interrupting you because they don’t care about what you have to say. But what if you knew that the reason they were interrupting you stemmed from fear, and from the way their brain works? Would you be able to exercise a little more empathy?
“For many adults with ADHD, there is a fear that they will forget whatever comes to mind,” says Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist, performance coach, and founder of Mental Drive. “And because of the inability to hold information, many adults with ADHD will ‘blurt out’ mid-conversation. They don’t want to lose their idea and as a result, they will fail to let you finish your statement so they can insert theirs.”
Tirrell De Gannes, PsyD., a licensed clinical psychologist, also notes that if it appears your partner isn’t listening to you, it’s not because they’re intentionally being disrespectful or aren’t interested in what you’re saying.
“In reality, they’re probably trying their hardest to obtain all of the information they can but it is difficult to discern what is relevant information vs. what is not, and at some point, they get overwhelmed,” he explains. “This leads to them getting frustrated and often losing the point or forgetting key details.”
To be clear, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t hold your partner accountable. You can — and should — gently point out when they interrupt you or seem distracted during a conversation. But understanding the why behind their behaviors might help you to take them a little less personally.
Doing some research and reading about ADHD will probably help you to understand why your partner acts the way they do, but when in doubt, you can also just ask: “Hey, I noticed you seem to get distracted easily when I’m talking to you and sometimes it makes me feel like you aren’t interested in what I have to say — why do you think that is?”
RELATED: Here’s How to Improve Your Communication Skills
“Understand, accept, and acknowledge that your partner with ADHD simply has a brain that literally functions differently,” says Klapow.
2. Recognize the Rewards
Dating someone who has ADHD has its perks, too. Acknowledging those — not only to yourself but to your partner — can help shift your perspective to a more positive one while also offering them some reassurance.
For example, as Klapow points out, people with ADHD may be more impulsive, but this can also lend itself to spontaneity that infuses energy, excitement, and that much-needed ‘spark’ into a relationship.
“A person with ADHD is almost always down for an adventure,” explains De Gannes. “Also, a partner with ADHD is great to have in moments of need. ADHD is not the inability to focus — it is the superability to focus, just on the wrong things. So a person with ADHD, when invested in helping you, will hyper-focus on what you’re saying and almost always have a perspective to share when you’re looking for feedback.”
Also, according to Tim Kleinknecht, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Alpine Mind Therapy, many people with ADHD have highly creative minds and can find unique ways to approach situations and solve problems.
“And since many people with ADHD have (unfortunately) felt judged or misunderstood because of their ADHD, they’re often highly understanding and accepting of others,” he adds.
3. Set Boundaries as Needed
Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries, says Klapow.
Remember: boundaries aren’t about punishing the other person or controlling them — and they aren’t cruel. They’re actually valuable ways to communicate your needs — and make sure that you feel respected in the relationship. So, ultimately, they’re not just for your benefit, but also for your partner’s.
Let’s say you’re constantly running late for family events because your partner isn’t ready on time and it’s bothering you. In that case, Jephtha Tausig, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice, says you can let your partner know that when they aren’t ready to get out the door on time, you’ll just plan to leave without them and meet them there.
4. Brainstorm Hacks & Solutions Together
“Your partner has probably tried every calendar, planner, spreadsheet, and tool out there — many of which probably aren’t designed by ADHDers,” explains Kleinknecht. “While you might feel tempted to make your partner think of systems in the same way that you do, chances are high that their brain doesn’t work this way.”
So, if you’re feeling frustrated that you’re doing more of the household chores than your partner, Kleinknecht suggests including them in the process of making a chore system rather than imposing a structure upon them.
“Physically writing things down helps their recall, and putting it where they can see it like on a post-it can assist them in their ability to complete tasks,” adds De Gannes. “Writing down what they hear is also a great tool for aiding in understanding what they learned from a conversation and what they’ve missed.”
RELATED: Mental Health Basics That All Men Should Know
If they have trouble getting out the door on time, maybe you can help them figure out how much time they realistically need to get ready and encourage them to set an alarm so they don’t get so hyper-focused on another task that they forget to hop in the shower.
And for the partner that frequently interrupts you, De Gannes suggests giving them an object to hold (say, a fidget spinner or your hand) while they’re listening — and giving visual cues like raising your hand or snapping your fingers when they accidentally interrupt.
Tausig says you can also ask them to quickly jot down a word or two on their phone that jogs their memory about what they wanted to say if they have a thought right when you’re in the middle of a sentence.
“If your partner has difficulty misplacing their belongings, start a routine with them that they can count on such as giving them a basket or bowl where they can put their stuff when they come home or are unpacking their work bag or undressing and getting ready for bed,” Tausig adds.RELATED: Dating Someone With Social Anxiety? Here’s What You Should Know
5. Support Them in Seeking Professional Help
You can’t force your partner to seek therapy, but you can be a cheerleader. If you bring the subject of professional support up, it’s important to do so in a delicate and respectful way.
“If your partner has not been diagnosed with ADHD — do not be the mental health professional,” says Klapow. “You can find lots of valuable and useful information online, but it is not your job or place to make the assessment or diagnosis. That being said, it’s OK to have a minimum standard that must be met in the relationship.”
If your partner’s ADHD symptoms are taking a significant toll on the relationship and/or your happiness, Klapow suggests having an open but compassionate conversation with them, in which you express how their behaviors are making you feel. You can share any information you’ve found online, and let them know that you’re willing and eager to help them find support if they’re open to it.
RELATED: Misconceptions Guys Have About Mental Health
De Gannes suggests normalizing the idea of therapy by talking about your own experiences with it, if you have any. Then, if they’re on board, you can help them with the process of finding the right therapist — ideally, one who specializes in ADHD.
“And if you’re struggling with how ADHD impacts your relationship, it could be worth considering couples counseling,” adds Kleinknecht. “This can give you and your partner a safe, nonjudgmental space to talk about your challenges, foster understanding, and come up with solutions together.”
If your partner’s functioning is being affected/disrupted by their symptoms, it might make sense to have a checkup with a mental health professional. You may want to have researched some options in this area ahead of time so that they don’t feel overwhelmed.
You Might Also Dig:
How to Date If You Have Social AnxietyUnderstanding the Toxicity of Weaponized IncompetenceBenefits From Therapy That Change the Way You Live Life