If you’re watching kinky porn, you might be going down the rabbit hole of niche porn videos, from horny threesomes to watching naughty couples go at it with BDSM toys. But how far does the scope of what’s kinky go, exactly?
Psychotherapist and certified couples therapist Dr. Lee Phillips says kink can be difficult to define since it often bleeds across several areas of unique sexual expression.
“Kink is best defined as sexual behaviors and preferences that are not easily categorized or different from what we consider typical sexual interests,” he explains. “For example, having sex in a missionary position and then reaching orgasm would be considered ‘regular’ or ‘vanilla’ sex. Someone’s hands being tied rope, being spanked or having sex in a doggy style position with no control of your hands because they are tied would be considered kinky sex.”
Basically, an intimate that falls outside the “norm” can be considered kinky. That doesn’t have to just refer to the acts taking place in the sack, either.
Getting kinky can start way before the two of you are even in the same room together by sexting each other steamy messages about what you plan to do to each other to get the juices flowing (if you know what I mean).
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Ready to learn everything you need to know about kink? Here’s our comprehensive guide to getting kinky with your partner tonight.
1. Masturbate Together
Masturbation is kinky in the fact that it’s something that you typically don’t get to see your partner do. In fact, when you’re in a relationship, the idea of masturbating can end up getting a bad rap because of the common misconception that it means your partner is doing so because you’re not fulfilling their needs sexually.
In reality, Phillips says having your partner masturbate in front of you, and vice versa allows you each to see how the other likes to be touched. Want to take this up a notch? “It’s great if you can’t touch each other,” says Phillips. “This can be erotic.”
If you’re utilizing masturbation as a learning opportunity, try describing how you’re touching yourself while you’re doing it, and have your partner do the same. Feel free to get descriptive about the pressure, motion and fingers you’re using to stimulate yourself for a heightened experience.
Try This: Heated Lubricant
Lube makes masturbation better. If you’re watching your partner get off, seeing their reaction as this heated lubricant kicks in makes the experience that much hotter.
$16.99 at AdamEve.com
2. Experiment With Sexting and Dirty Talk
Sexting is the ultimate form of foreplay for whatever sexual fantasy or kinky move you’re planning to try with your partner later on. “When we sext and flirt in this way, we are making a deposit into our partner’s erotic piggy bank, essentially telling them they are desirable,” says Skyler.
But before you break out your phone, you’ll want to keep a few ground rules in mind about what your texts should consist of — and what to leave out.
“Ground rules may include the time of day and the content you sext about,” says Phillips.
For example, sexting your partner while they’re in the middle of an important work meeting wouldn’t be ideal. Phillips also suggests leaving some things to the imagination. “You may want to only sext about how you are going to take their clothes off and leave out the actual sex part because you want to save it,” he says.
So, you know when and how to use it. But what should your sext actually say?
“Have a check-in with your partner on their turn-ons and their turn-offs,” says Phillips.
Don’t assume that just anything goes when it comes to sexting. If you’re going to include suggestive photos in your sexts, make sure that your partner has consented to receive them — and that you trust them. “If both parties consent, make sure you trust the integrity of the other person to keep the pictures private,” says Skyler.
Also, keep the power of adjectives in mind. For example, the message “I can’t wait to go down on you” can easily be kicked up a few notches by adding some more descriptive language and turn into, “I can’t wait to go down on your [insert description of your partner’s genitalia here].”
One more caveat: If you and the partner you want to sext with haven’t had “the talk” about whether or not you’re seeing each other exclusively, sexting could end up hurting your cause rather than helping it.
Why? If you two aren’t there yet, sending a sext could end up making them feel insecure about how you view your relationship with them (read: just using them for sex).
If you’re not ready to start sexting just yet, there are plenty of online private chatrooms to discuss alternative sex that you can visit, draw inspiration from and even take a few messages out for a test drive. Now would also be a good time to mention we’ve made an entire sexting guide dedicated to helping guys hone this craft.
3. Try Strap-On Sex
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. As Phillips explains, strap-on sex offers couples an opportunity to try something new sexually and play with different power dynamics and is great for gender-affirming identities.
A heterosexual couple may engage in strap-on sex, also known as pegging, when a woman puts on the strap-on and penetrates the man anally,’ Phillips explains. “Also, transmasculine people who have not had bottom surgery can use one to penetrate their partner. Transfeminine people who have had bottom surgery can use one to penetrate their partner. This also goes for non-binary folks as well.”
If you and your partner are curious about strap-on sex, communication is key. Skyler says once partners determine who will be penetrated, it’s important for beginners to start with smaller, slimmer strap-on models.
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Phillips recommends getting comfortable with anal penetration by using glass butt plugs. “Glass butt plugs are slick, and you can warm them up to relax the anus,” he says. “Start with a small one first, and you can leave it in for 30 minutes or longer.”
It’s important to clean strap-ons before and after use, and don’t forget to use a lube that’s compatible with your strap-on of choice.
Try this: Newcomers Strap-On Dildo Set
This beginner-friendly strap-on fits all sizes of dildo attachments. It’s adjustable and easy to maneuver.
$49.99 at AdamEve.com
Try This: Anal Lube
Whether you’re a first-time “peggee” or a seasoned pro, you can’t have good anal play without using plenty of quality anal lube. Opt for a water-based lube that will keep the anus lubricated without causing damage to the dildo, like this formula from Adam&Eve.
$12.99 at AdamEve.com
4. Use Some Kinky Sex Toys
The vast world of sex toys goes way beyond your typical vibrator. From extreme bondage toys to sex swings and whips to the more advanced pieces of technology like couple’s vibrators that pleasure both partners simultaneously, there’s never been a better time to be fornicating. Ready to start shopping? Here are a few options to consider.
Try This: Magic Wand
Buying a magic wand is an investment — but this versatile toy is well worth it. The powerful vibrating head can be used to massage the body and stimulate you and your partner’s pleasure zones.
$79.99 at AdamEve.com
Try This: Sex Swings
Combine the pleasure of sex with the joy of swinging on a swing thanks to this kinky contraption. Explore a series of thrilling sex positions only possible when suspended in this manner.”
$59.97 at Amazon.com
Try This: Fetish Cuffs
These fetish fantasy cuffs feel enough like the real thing to give you and your partner a thrill but are completely safe and removable. Skyler suggests using these cuffs to amplify role-play scenarios.
$24.99 at AdamEve.com
Try This: Sex Blindfold
By obstructing your view, blindfolds help heighten your other senses, which can elevate your sexual experience. If there are certain acts and positions you and your partner particularly enjoy, wearing a blindfold allows you to experience them in a whole new light.
$9.99 at AdamEve.com
5. Explore S&M
Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, S&M is becoming more popular with couples that are looking to experiment with kink. But what does it actually involve?
“When combined with fetishes and kink, it is a broad colloquial term for non-normative sexual behaviors and interests,” explains Phillips. The S stands for sadism, which refers to giving sensation play or giving pain to a partner (in a consensual, agreed upon way – think rough sex). The M stands for masochism, or the receiving end of sensation and pain.
“It is appealing because it is stepping out of the norm with sex,” says Phillips. “Also, it is intense and focuses on concentration on the present moment.”
This is often done through dominance and submission play, where one partner is rendered helpless using ropes or other bondage toys, and the other is the one carrying out the acts. But there are lesser degrees of S&M that aren’t as intense. For example, you probably wouldn’t describe yourself as a sadist if you’ve spanked your partner during sex – but spanking does fall under this category.
If you haven’t tried S&M but you’re interested in getting started, keep in mind that the most important factor here is sexual consent. If you’re going to break out S&M toys that render your partner immobile (like bondage restraints) or unable to speak (like with a ball gag) knowing what their limits are and when to stop is pretty important.
Phillips recommends mapping out the scene with your partner, getting clear on what you’re both comfortable with and what your limitations are. If you and your partner are new to S&M play, bondage may be an ideal place to start. It still enforces the S&M power dynamics but doesn’t inflict as much pain as more advanced S&M toys.
If you don’t have a partner, sites like Collarspace, BDSM.com and BDSMSingles.com are designed to connect S&M enthusiasts with people who are ready and willing to play in your area.
Try This: Bondage Rope
Make sure the bondage toys you’re using are actually for that type of play – not just whatever rope happens to be lying around the house, as this could lead to some pretty painful burns. A trusted rope like Japanese Shibari is easy on the wrists and ankles but will keep your partner in place.
$19.95 at PinkCherry.com
6. Try Dom/Sub Play
Dom/Sub play is another sexual kink that focuses on power dynamics. Dom stands for dominant, or the person who’s in control. Sub refers to the submissive partner, who obeys what the Dom asks for.
“Dom/Sub play focuses on the consensual difference in power between the partners both from a physical and mental aspect,” Phillips explains. This type of kink is usually performed between partners who are in a committed relationship. In some Dom/Sub relationships, the submissive partner is made to obey the dominant one both in and out of the bedroom for an allotted period of time.
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“Dom/Sub play can spice up the relationship and allow you to be someone else in the bedroom,” says Phillips. “For example, the CEO of an organization is giving orders all day. In the bedroom, they may want to take orders.”
The dynamics of a Dom/Sub relationship aren’t always limited to physical acts. “This can be verbal power play using words of humiliation or physical power play where the Dom has their Sub serve them sexually or submit to their physical desires,” Skyler explains.
If Dom/Sub play is something you and your partner are interested in exploring, Skyler urges partners to read up on the details of Dom/Sub play. “Really learn the terrain so you can safely enter into this dynamic, ensuring you have a safe word and solid boundaries as you begin,” she says.
Try This: Fetish Feather Duster
Accessories that amplify sensation and allow for role play are ideal for beginner Dom/Sub partners. This feather tickler still allows the Dom to have control over the sensation, but without inflicting pain.
$19.99 at AdamEve.com
Try This: Bondage Restraints
This beginner bondage kit is easy to use and set up. The restraints are soft and padded, yet sturdy enough to hold a new Sub in place.
$29.99 at AdamEve.com
7. Experiment With Threesomes
Threesomes are often seen as the holy grail of sexual experiences — and for good reason. Threesomes can be fun because they offer the opportunity to have a shiny, new and often taboo experience,” says Dr. Jenni Skyler, an LMFT- and AASECT-certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com.
As Phillips explains, the appeal isn’t always just about having someone new to please you. “You may have the erotic curiosity of watching your partner get pleasured by someone else,” he says.
In terms of how to get a threesome started, you’ll want to get on the same page with your partner about the type of experience you’re looking for before you start putting out feelers.
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“For example, will you use protection or do you agree to have fluid bonding during sex?” says Phillips. “Is there a decision to have dinner and drinks first so you can get to know the person before inviting them in for a play date? Will there be kissing? Penetrative sex? Where will you orgasm? Will you host the person or travel to their place? These are all important questions.”
Another consideration that may factor in: Inviting someone one or both of you is already familiar with. Though this might seem like the obvious route to go initially, you’ll want to make sure this is someone who has not been a point of contention for either of you in the past. So, the coworker from your office that was “all over you” at your company outing — according to your partner — is probably not the best candidate. But the attractive friend of a friend who lives out of town that you both rarely see but always get along with when you do? They just might be the ideal contender.
If your partner truly isn’t comfortable with the idea, you should never force it on them. But if they are curious about what it would be like — but not quite ready to try it out in real life just yet, consider starting slow. “Some beginners may even want to keep the threesome as a make-out session to ensure it feels safe to everyone,” says Skyler.
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