Breakups are like root canals — painful but necessary.
Besides, the pain is temporary and it’s usually for a good cause. Breaking up with someone when you know you’re incompatible or have unresolvable issues is actually one of the kindest things you can do for both you and your partner — it prevents you both from wasting time and frees you up to find someone who’s a better fit for your needs.
But there’s a right and wrong way to break up with someone. And according to experts, going about it in the wrong way can actually make the process a lot more agonizing for your soon-to-be ex.
Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist and relationship/communication expert at One Life Counselling & Coaching, says that ending a relationship in a disrespectful way can amplify feelings of rejection, confusion, and resentment while diminishing their sense of self-worth — and that damage can actually negatively impact their future relationships.
RELATED: Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making
“Breaking up in a harsh or thoughtless way can make it harder for your partner to trust others,” he explains.
Not only that but licensed marriage and family therapist Mario Palacios notes that if your partner doesn’t get a sense of closure, it may take much longer for them to heal and move on.
“Think of it like closing a door: a gentle, respectful close allows for a smoother transition,” says Lucas Saiter, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Manhattan Therapy NYC. “A forceful, abrupt slam leaves behind a jarring impact and lingering echoes.”
The way in which you break up with someone may depend on how long you’ve been together, the nature of your relationship, and the reason why you’re ending things. But if you’re wondering about the worst ways to break up with someone — experts strongly advise avoiding the following.
1. By Ghosting
This should probably go without saying, but experts unanimously agree that ghosting is a hard no-no.
While it may be tempting to simply disappear and dodge an uncomfortable conversation, it’s ultimately a selfish move. You’re leaving the other person with a lot of questions about why you went MIA, which can stoke their anxiety and lead them down an unnecessary path of self-blame, self-doubt, and shame.
“Ghosting can leave your partner feeling completely abandoned and confused, and they’re often left trying to piece together what happened, which can hurt their self-esteem,” explains Fierheller. “It might feel easier, but it often creates guilt and sets up a pattern of avoiding conflict that can follow them (and you) into other relationships.”
It doesn’t take much time or effort to tell your date, “I really enjoyed getting to know you, but it seems like we don’t have a lot in common, so I’d like to take a step back” or “I think you’re awesome, but I’m realizing we want different things, so at this point I don’t want to pursue things any further.”
This way they’re not left wondering if there’s something they said or did to drive you away, and they get the added reassurance that you respect and value them enough to acknowledge the time you spent together.
2. In the Middle of a Fight
It goes a little something like this. Your partner says something hurtful, and without thinking, you fire back: “I’m done! It’s over!” According to Fierheller, breaking it off during an argument can make things really messy. For one, it’s far too easy to say something you’ll regret later — in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.
“This can also be seen as a form of manipulation and control over the partner,” adds Palacios.
Your partner may wonder whether you genuinely meant to break things off or only said that to hurt them back, creating a lot of unnecessary confusion.
That’s why it’s important to end things when you’re both in a calm, clear-headed state.
RELATED: How to Break Up With Someone Nicely
3. Over Text
If you’re afraid of confrontation, sending a text can feel like the next best thing to ghosting — but according to experts, it’s still not a courteous way to handle things.
“While it might seem quicker or less awkward, it feels cold and impersonal,” says Fierheller. “It doesn’t give either of you a real chance to talk things through, which can leave questions and feelings unresolved.”
Not only that, but Fierheller points out that it’s also much more difficult to understand tone and intention through text. This can translate to painful misunderstandings.
According to Katie Dissanayake, a dating and relationships Coach at After, there are only rare exceptions when it’s acceptable to break up over text — for example, if you’ve only been on one date or two.
“However, once you’ve been dating longer, a deeper conversation will help give the other person more grace and kindness as they navigate the rejection,” she adds.
4. On a Special Occasion
Once you decide to end things, you may feel a sense of urgency to get it over with. But if Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, your partner’s birthday, or Christmas is fast approaching, Palacios recommends holding off until after that’s over.
“Ending a thing on a special day can make this day become emblematic of pain — hence tingeing subsequent celebrations with memories of separation,” explains Sean O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Maple Moon Recovery.
In other words, for years to come, they’ll now be forced to associate that once-joyful occasion with pain and sadness.
“It can also negatively impact you because you will remember creating heartbreak during someone’s special moment,” adds Angelika Koch, relationship and breakup expert at Taimi.
5. In a Crowded Space
Unless you feel physically unsafe and are afraid your partner might get violent, you should never end a relationship at a bar, restaurant, or other crowded public place.
Maybe you’re hoping this will prevent your partner from “making a scene,” and they’ll temper their reactions accordingly. But this is a super inconsiderate way to look at things. Your partner deserves the opportunity to feel the full spectrum of their emotions and share them with you.
“If you can’t or won’t give your partner the ability to provide feedback or respond to the breakup, it will definitely affect that person’s self-esteem,” says Palacios.
Plus, Koch points out that breaking up with them around other people adds another layer of humiliation to an already upsetting experience.
“No one wants to become a spectacle during a vulnerable time,” she adds. “To break up with someone in public is a cruel practice that can feel downright traumatic.”
What’s worse, if you and your partner are drinking — say, at a bar or restaurant — that can make it even more difficult for you to regulate your emotions during the conversation.
Instead, opt for a location with plenty of privacy and few distractions — like their apartment, or a quiet park nearby.
6. Through Someone Else
Without a doubt, experts agree one of the most cowardly ways you can end a relationship is by having someone else do it for you — whether that’s a mutual friend, sibling, or someone else entirely.
“Enlisting the help of an intermediary in your friends increases shame and embarrassment,” says Koch. “Consequently, this also indirectly harms common friends thereby endangering those bonds.”
Asking someone else to do your dirty work for you puts them in a supremely awkward position — because they’ll be the one who has to deal with the emotional fallout when they break the news, even though that’s your responsibility.
Leaving other people out of this will not only increase the chances that your soon-to-be ex gets the closure they deserve but will also ensure that you don’t damage other relationships in the breakup process.
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5 Rules to Help You Have a Non-Dramatic BreakupBad Reasons to Break UpHow to Break Up When Your Partner’s in Love
Besides, the pain is temporary and it’s usually for a good cause. Breaking up with someone when you know you’re incompatible or have unresolvable issues is actually one of the kindest things you can do for both you and your partner — it prevents you both from wasting time and frees you up to find someone who’s a better fit for your needs.
But there’s a right and wrong way to break up with someone. And according to experts, going about it in the wrong way can actually make the process a lot more agonizing for your soon-to-be ex.
Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist and relationship/communication expert at One Life Counselling & Coaching, says that ending a relationship in a disrespectful way can amplify feelings of rejection, confusion, and resentment while diminishing their sense of self-worth — and that damage can actually negatively impact their future relationships.
RELATED: Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making
“Breaking up in a harsh or thoughtless way can make it harder for your partner to trust others,” he explains.
Not only that but licensed marriage and family therapist Mario Palacios notes that if your partner doesn’t get a sense of closure, it may take much longer for them to heal and move on.
“Think of it like closing a door: a gentle, respectful close allows for a smoother transition,” says Lucas Saiter, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Manhattan Therapy NYC. “A forceful, abrupt slam leaves behind a jarring impact and lingering echoes.”
The way in which you break up with someone may depend on how long you’ve been together, the nature of your relationship, and the reason why you’re ending things. But if you’re wondering about the worst ways to break up with someone — experts strongly advise avoiding the following.
1. By Ghosting
This should probably go without saying, but experts unanimously agree that ghosting is a hard no-no.
While it may be tempting to simply disappear and dodge an uncomfortable conversation, it’s ultimately a selfish move. You’re leaving the other person with a lot of questions about why you went MIA, which can stoke their anxiety and lead them down an unnecessary path of self-blame, self-doubt, and shame.
“Ghosting can leave your partner feeling completely abandoned and confused, and they’re often left trying to piece together what happened, which can hurt their self-esteem,” explains Fierheller. “It might feel easier, but it often creates guilt and sets up a pattern of avoiding conflict that can follow them (and you) into other relationships.”
It doesn’t take much time or effort to tell your date, “I really enjoyed getting to know you, but it seems like we don’t have a lot in common, so I’d like to take a step back” or “I think you’re awesome, but I’m realizing we want different things, so at this point I don’t want to pursue things any further.”
This way they’re not left wondering if there’s something they said or did to drive you away, and they get the added reassurance that you respect and value them enough to acknowledge the time you spent together.
2. In the Middle of a Fight
It goes a little something like this. Your partner says something hurtful, and without thinking, you fire back: “I’m done! It’s over!” According to Fierheller, breaking it off during an argument can make things really messy. For one, it’s far too easy to say something you’ll regret later — in the heat of the moment when emotions are running high.
“This can also be seen as a form of manipulation and control over the partner,” adds Palacios.
Your partner may wonder whether you genuinely meant to break things off or only said that to hurt them back, creating a lot of unnecessary confusion.
That’s why it’s important to end things when you’re both in a calm, clear-headed state.
RELATED: How to Break Up With Someone Nicely
3. Over Text
If you’re afraid of confrontation, sending a text can feel like the next best thing to ghosting — but according to experts, it’s still not a courteous way to handle things.
“While it might seem quicker or less awkward, it feels cold and impersonal,” says Fierheller. “It doesn’t give either of you a real chance to talk things through, which can leave questions and feelings unresolved.”
Not only that, but Fierheller points out that it’s also much more difficult to understand tone and intention through text. This can translate to painful misunderstandings.
According to Katie Dissanayake, a dating and relationships Coach at After, there are only rare exceptions when it’s acceptable to break up over text — for example, if you’ve only been on one date or two.
“However, once you’ve been dating longer, a deeper conversation will help give the other person more grace and kindness as they navigate the rejection,” she adds.
4. On a Special Occasion
Once you decide to end things, you may feel a sense of urgency to get it over with. But if Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, your partner’s birthday, or Christmas is fast approaching, Palacios recommends holding off until after that’s over.
“Ending a thing on a special day can make this day become emblematic of pain — hence tingeing subsequent celebrations with memories of separation,” explains Sean O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Maple Moon Recovery.
In other words, for years to come, they’ll now be forced to associate that once-joyful occasion with pain and sadness.
“It can also negatively impact you because you will remember creating heartbreak during someone’s special moment,” adds Angelika Koch, relationship and breakup expert at Taimi.
5. In a Crowded Space
Unless you feel physically unsafe and are afraid your partner might get violent, you should never end a relationship at a bar, restaurant, or other crowded public place.
Maybe you’re hoping this will prevent your partner from “making a scene,” and they’ll temper their reactions accordingly. But this is a super inconsiderate way to look at things. Your partner deserves the opportunity to feel the full spectrum of their emotions and share them with you.
“If you can’t or won’t give your partner the ability to provide feedback or respond to the breakup, it will definitely affect that person’s self-esteem,” says Palacios.
Plus, Koch points out that breaking up with them around other people adds another layer of humiliation to an already upsetting experience.
“No one wants to become a spectacle during a vulnerable time,” she adds. “To break up with someone in public is a cruel practice that can feel downright traumatic.”
What’s worse, if you and your partner are drinking — say, at a bar or restaurant — that can make it even more difficult for you to regulate your emotions during the conversation.
Instead, opt for a location with plenty of privacy and few distractions — like their apartment, or a quiet park nearby.
6. Through Someone Else
Without a doubt, experts agree one of the most cowardly ways you can end a relationship is by having someone else do it for you — whether that’s a mutual friend, sibling, or someone else entirely.
“Enlisting the help of an intermediary in your friends increases shame and embarrassment,” says Koch. “Consequently, this also indirectly harms common friends thereby endangering those bonds.”
Asking someone else to do your dirty work for you puts them in a supremely awkward position — because they’ll be the one who has to deal with the emotional fallout when they break the news, even though that’s your responsibility.
Leaving other people out of this will not only increase the chances that your soon-to-be ex gets the closure they deserve but will also ensure that you don’t damage other relationships in the breakup process.
You Might Also Dig:
5 Rules to Help You Have a Non-Dramatic BreakupBad Reasons to Break UpHow to Break Up When Your Partner’s in Love