Some of these statements are excuses. Others are deflections — they redirect the focus of a conversation or shift blame. And some are meant to make you question your own judgment.
According to Christine Gibson, family physician, trauma therapist and author of The Modern Trauma Toolkit, the words cheaters use often stem from an underlying sense of shame. That shame can exist long before they commit a betrayal.
“Shame tends to tug at the ‘not good enough’ feeling, which can be a cause of cheating to fill that void. A lot of people think that if they get more attention and affirmation, they’ll feel better about themselves,” says Gibson.
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At the same time, cheating can create shame too, either from the guilt of betraying an unsuspecting partner or the belief that you’re fundamentally flawed for straying.
Even if cheaters don’t notice guilt consciously, it can fester subconsciously and still influence their behaviors or the things they say, adds Gibson.
Here are five of the most common phrases used by cheaters and what they really mean:
5 Common Phrases Cheaters May Use in Relationships
1. “I don’t deserve you.”
“If you knew the real me, you’d leave.” “I’m not good enough for you.”
Have you heard any of these highly self-deprecating statements from a partner before? This kind of sentiment signals deep-seated insecurity. But it can also be a warning sign that they’re likely to cheat on you (or already have).
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Maybe they feel that they don’t deserve you because of what they’ve done. Perhaps they put you on a pedestal and are worried that you’re going to leave them, so they cheat on you as an attempt to feel more in control.
Either way, such sentiments warrant a conversation.
“[It doesn’t] automatically mean cheating is happening, but it’s a chance to find out if this is something they believe because of attachment issues as a child or if there’s something else,” says Gibson.
2. “You’re just being paranoid.”
While talking through their feelings should be your first approach, unfortunately, conversations aren’t always constructive with cheaters.
Being told that you’re just being paranoid, for instance, is a case of classic gaslighting, according to Adam Wick, licensed psychotherapist and founder of Vital Mental Health — and a sign that your partner may not be operating in good faith.
“It’s a way to make you question your own instincts. Healthy partners will reassure, not ridicule. If they make you feel crazy for even asking, it’s likely an attempt to cover up their own dishonesty.”
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Be extra wary if you sense pent-up anger and defensiveness accompanying such responses.
“Some people deflect when they feel guilty, trying to give the shame away. In that case, they would blame you for things you didn’t do or exaggerate issues that do exist,” notes Gibson. “Others turn the shame and guilt they feel towards themselves into anger directed at everyone and everything.”
Here’s another clue there’s something wrong: If you often walk away feeling confused after initiating a conversation with your partner, it’s a red flag and doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship.
3. “Why don’t you ever think of me?”
In some cases, cheaters exaggerate unrelated issues or start picking fights to divert attention away from their own behavior and to preemptively justify their actions, according to Gibson.
“You’re always like this” is another flavor of this type of statement — instead of acknowledging their guilt, they turn the tables on you by making you feel like you’re neglecting or mistreating them.
“If they start blaming you for random things and getting unreasonably mad about small problems, they may be looking for an excuse for themselves,” adds Gibson.
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This is especially concerning if it repeatedly happens when you ask questions or voice concerns.
“Instead of addressing the concern, they turn the conversation into an attack on you — making you feel guilty for even asking,” says Wick. “The goal is to make you so caught up in defending yourself that you drop the actual issue.”
4. “I just need some space.”
It can be healthy to ask a partner for space. But if your partner suddenly becomes distant and emotionally withdrawn without an explanation — and if they avoid talking about their feelings — there could be something darker going on.
“It could be emotional distancing before a full-blown betrayal,” says Wick. “It might also be a way to create time away from you to see someone else.”
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While requesting space isn’t a sign of cheating in itself, it can be if it accompanies other shifts. Watch for changes in behavior, recommends Wick. Are they emotionally pulling away? Guarding their phone? Suddenly working late all the time? They could be feeling guilty and avoiding you, or they could be planning to have an affair.
5. “We’re just friends.”
This statement — spoken about someone else your partner has been spending a lot of time with — is another classic. Sometimes it’s true. But sometimes it’s not. Again, watching out for other behaviors can give you more insight into whether you’re dealing with a cheater.
“Trust your partner’s behaviors, not their words,” suggests Gibson.
Are they all secretive about said friend? Do they seem to be guarding their phone? Do they downplay your concerns? They may not be telling the full truth. If something feels off, there’s often a reason.
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3 Main Manipulation Tactics Cheaters Often Use
Most of the examples above rely on three common manipulation tactics. The exact wording can vary, but the core patterns are the same.
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Knowing about them can help you discern when you’re, in fact, being a little insecure or when you actually have something to worry about.
Here’s what to watch out for, according to Wick:
Gaslighting: Cheaters may make you question your own intuition and perception of a situation. They make you feel like the “crazy” one (and yes, “you’re crazy” is another common phrase used by those who cheat). The goal? Diverting from their own bad behavior. Deflection: Cheaters will often turn the blame on you instead of answering your very real questions and concerns. They may also blame external circumstances or other people instead of taking accountability. Minimization: Brushing off your concerns and making them seem ridiculous is another common manipulation tactic used by cheaters. Rather than reassuring you or responding to your worries, they make you feel guilty for bringing them up.
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These tactics are dangerous because they mess with your sense of reality, says Wick: “They plant seeds of self-doubt, making you second-guess your own instincts — even when you were right all along.”
Jumping to conclusions is never a good idea. But being aware enough to notice certain statements and behaviors can save you from extra heartache down the line.
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