You’re scrolling through your feed when suddenly spot a photo of someone you’re instantly attracted to. You want to reach out, but how? What do you say to get noticed without sounding like a total creep?
It can be really intimidating to send your crush a direct message. But if done right, sliding into someone’s DMs can be an effective option when it comes to dating, says Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert.
For one, a social media account — Instagram especially — can be seen as a personal diary filled with moments from their life. When you’re actively pursuing someone by DMing them, “it shows that you’re taking a direct interest in the person,” adds Winston.
RELATED: How to Show You’re Interested Without Crossing Boundaries
Also, DMing someone on social media can be an alternative to dating apps since the stakes and the competition are lower — but only if done correctly. We asked Winston for tips on how to slide into a person’s DMs to make a lasting first impression.
Don’t: Focus Solely on Looks
Nothing will turn off a person more than feeling objectified on social media. Focusing solely on a person’s looks gives off the sense that you’re shallow and only looking for something short-term.
“Of course, who doesn’t want to be complimented, but if it’s only just how you look, you have to wonder if that person’s really going to be around for the long haul,” says Winston.
And if a long-term relationship is the goal, you’d want someone who loves every aspect of you that goes beyond looks.
(And this should go without saying: Never ever send a shirtless selfie.)
Do: Pay Attention
Instead of just commenting on a pic with a fire emoji, ask about what they’re doing in the photo, says Winston. For example, if they’re at a beach, ask where it was.
“If they’re posting at a restaurant, you can comment, ‘Wow, I heard the pesto pasta is amazing there,’ to start a conversation. They’re going to respond to that and appreciate that you took the time and effort to show interest.”
Don’t: Start With “Hey”
If you’re trying to stand out in the sea of DMs, saying “Hey” isn’t going to cut it.
“It’s not personalized, and it doesn’t give them anything to respond to,” says Winston. “At most, you’re going to get a ‘Hi’ back, and then you’re going to be in the same position again trying to figure something out. So you have to kind of engage somebody specifically for what they’re doing.”
RELATED: Texting Mistakes Too Many Guys Make
Do: Start With a Question
Instead of a basic “what’s up” message, ask your crush questions about their photos. For example, if an image shows them drinking a cocktail, ask what it is and share your favorite, suggests Winston.
Or, if their profile is generic and you have nothing to go with from viewing their images, you could start by asking how their day is going or what’s their favorite thing to do in the city. This opens the door for more meaningful conversations, putting you ahead of all those “Hey-sayers” out there.
RELATED: One Simple Dating Hack That’ll Make You Way Sexier
Don’t: Trauma Dump
If you’re not familiar with the term ‘trauma dumping,’ allow us to explain: It’s when you nonstop talk about your negative past experiences to someone you don’t know.
“No one should trauma dump on anyone they’re dating (save it for your therapists), but especially if you’re trying to make a first impression with a stranger online,” says Winston.
That doesn’t mean you have to be fake and full of toxic positivity, but simply that you should remember not to be a conversational burden. If you genuinely do end up clicking, there’ll be opportunities to talk about heavier subjects down the road.
Do: Find Common Ground
A great way to keep the conversation going is to find common ground through their social media posts, says Winston.
RELATED: Instagram Flirting Rules to Memorize
Notice they went to see your favorite band in concert? Mention that! Spotted a photo of them skydiving from a plane? Say you’re interested in trying that — or ask how they worked up the courage.
Don’t: Spam Them
Send one or two messages max, Winston advises. If your crush doesn’t respond right away, don’t panic.
“Sometimes people just can’t get to all their DMs in one night,” she says. “If they don’t get back to you right away, they’re just busy or in the middle of something.”
As vulnerable as DMing a stranger can feel, the best thing you can do is just wait for them to respond.
RELATED: What Guys Get Wrong About Flirting
It sucks when you work yourself up to send a DM to your crush, and they blow you off. But don’t take it personally, says Winston.
And a word of advice: If they’re too busy to read their DMs, they’re too busy to have a relationship, she adds.
Do: Ask Them Out
The point of a DM is to get the other person’s attention and start a flirty conversation, but Winston cautions not to let the chit-chat go on for too long.
“People don’t want to shoot their shot that quickly,” says Winston, “but I think it should be done almost immediately.”
While some people feel like they could simply go back and forth with a crush online forever, at some point it may start to feel boring and redundant. If you never make a move, they may think you’re not seriously pursuing them.
However, once you’ve chatted for a little bit, you should be able to tell if there’s some conversational chemistry there.
If they’re responding with what seems like interest and you’re developing some flirtatious banter, now’s the time to ask them out on a date or at least ask for their number.
Winston suggests keeping it simple and to the point, such as, “I’d really like to get to know you better…how about we move this to texting or a phone call?”
Give them your number and ask for theirs as well.
You Might Also Dig:
Ways Men Creep Women Out Without Realizing It When You Should Consider Unfollowing Your Crush
How to Use Social Media Like a Gentleman
It can be really intimidating to send your crush a direct message. But if done right, sliding into someone’s DMs can be an effective option when it comes to dating, says Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert.
For one, a social media account — Instagram especially — can be seen as a personal diary filled with moments from their life. When you’re actively pursuing someone by DMing them, “it shows that you’re taking a direct interest in the person,” adds Winston.
RELATED: How to Show You’re Interested Without Crossing Boundaries
Also, DMing someone on social media can be an alternative to dating apps since the stakes and the competition are lower — but only if done correctly. We asked Winston for tips on how to slide into a person’s DMs to make a lasting first impression.
Don’t: Focus Solely on Looks
Nothing will turn off a person more than feeling objectified on social media. Focusing solely on a person’s looks gives off the sense that you’re shallow and only looking for something short-term.
“Of course, who doesn’t want to be complimented, but if it’s only just how you look, you have to wonder if that person’s really going to be around for the long haul,” says Winston.
And if a long-term relationship is the goal, you’d want someone who loves every aspect of you that goes beyond looks.
(And this should go without saying: Never ever send a shirtless selfie.)
Do: Pay Attention
Instead of just commenting on a pic with a fire emoji, ask about what they’re doing in the photo, says Winston. For example, if they’re at a beach, ask where it was.
“If they’re posting at a restaurant, you can comment, ‘Wow, I heard the pesto pasta is amazing there,’ to start a conversation. They’re going to respond to that and appreciate that you took the time and effort to show interest.”
Don’t: Start With “Hey”
If you’re trying to stand out in the sea of DMs, saying “Hey” isn’t going to cut it.
“It’s not personalized, and it doesn’t give them anything to respond to,” says Winston. “At most, you’re going to get a ‘Hi’ back, and then you’re going to be in the same position again trying to figure something out. So you have to kind of engage somebody specifically for what they’re doing.”
RELATED: Texting Mistakes Too Many Guys Make
Do: Start With a Question
Instead of a basic “what’s up” message, ask your crush questions about their photos. For example, if an image shows them drinking a cocktail, ask what it is and share your favorite, suggests Winston.
Or, if their profile is generic and you have nothing to go with from viewing their images, you could start by asking how their day is going or what’s their favorite thing to do in the city. This opens the door for more meaningful conversations, putting you ahead of all those “Hey-sayers” out there.
RELATED: One Simple Dating Hack That’ll Make You Way Sexier
Don’t: Trauma Dump
If you’re not familiar with the term ‘trauma dumping,’ allow us to explain: It’s when you nonstop talk about your negative past experiences to someone you don’t know.
“No one should trauma dump on anyone they’re dating (save it for your therapists), but especially if you’re trying to make a first impression with a stranger online,” says Winston.
That doesn’t mean you have to be fake and full of toxic positivity, but simply that you should remember not to be a conversational burden. If you genuinely do end up clicking, there’ll be opportunities to talk about heavier subjects down the road.
Do: Find Common Ground
A great way to keep the conversation going is to find common ground through their social media posts, says Winston.
RELATED: Instagram Flirting Rules to Memorize
Notice they went to see your favorite band in concert? Mention that! Spotted a photo of them skydiving from a plane? Say you’re interested in trying that — or ask how they worked up the courage.
Don’t: Spam Them
Send one or two messages max, Winston advises. If your crush doesn’t respond right away, don’t panic.
“Sometimes people just can’t get to all their DMs in one night,” she says. “If they don’t get back to you right away, they’re just busy or in the middle of something.”
As vulnerable as DMing a stranger can feel, the best thing you can do is just wait for them to respond.
RELATED: What Guys Get Wrong About Flirting
It sucks when you work yourself up to send a DM to your crush, and they blow you off. But don’t take it personally, says Winston.
And a word of advice: If they’re too busy to read their DMs, they’re too busy to have a relationship, she adds.
Do: Ask Them Out
The point of a DM is to get the other person’s attention and start a flirty conversation, but Winston cautions not to let the chit-chat go on for too long.
“People don’t want to shoot their shot that quickly,” says Winston, “but I think it should be done almost immediately.”
While some people feel like they could simply go back and forth with a crush online forever, at some point it may start to feel boring and redundant. If you never make a move, they may think you’re not seriously pursuing them.
However, once you’ve chatted for a little bit, you should be able to tell if there’s some conversational chemistry there.
If they’re responding with what seems like interest and you’re developing some flirtatious banter, now’s the time to ask them out on a date or at least ask for their number.
Winston suggests keeping it simple and to the point, such as, “I’d really like to get to know you better…how about we move this to texting or a phone call?”
Give them your number and ask for theirs as well.
You Might Also Dig:
Ways Men Creep Women Out Without Realizing It When You Should Consider Unfollowing Your Crush
How to Use Social Media Like a Gentleman