One minute you’re exchanging banter on Hinge, the next you’re wondering if you’re in a situationship. Or maybe you match with someone and get super excited — until you have your first date and get the ick.
Apps encourage snap judgements. Chemistry is often mistaken for true connection. Terms like ghosting have become part of the dictionary. In the midst of all this, it can be hard to gauge how fast a new romance should move — or if it should move forward at all.
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Sometimes, you end something that had real potential too quickly. Other times, you stay in a dead-end situation for way too long.
Enter TikTok’s “10 date rule.” While the platform has its share of questionable dating advice, this trend is all about dating intentionally and taking it slow. And it might just be the reset you need to find love.
What Is TikTok’s ‘10 Date Rule’?
Want to figure out whether you actually like someone? Go on ten dates before making a decision. This is the premise of TikTok’s “10 date rule.”
As dating and relationship coach Val Bastien puts it, it provides a clear and somewhat flexible framework that encourages you to pump the brakes: “Stop rushing into these situationships. Stop rushing to put a label on something without properly vetting the individual you are dating.”
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The goal is to explore whether there’s a genuine connection rather than the type of instant butterflies that either lead you into a toxic relationship or a fling that fizzles out as fast as it started.
“This guideline encourages people to take the time to actually see any red flags,” says Kristin Anderson, LCSW, founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy, “and assess compatibility before diving into a level of commitment that they may not actually be ready for.”
Benefits of the ‘10 Date Rule’
For many, this ten-date rule is refreshing. It encourages patience instead of instant gratification, says Anderson. It’s all about intentional decision-making.
“While the early stages of a whirlwind relationship can feel intoxicating, such a quick build-up doesn’t allow a strong foundation of a relationship to be built up,” she notes.
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If you’ve been burned too many times or you’re the type of person to quickly jump into things, it can be a simple yet effective way to transform your love life.
It also helps you avoid opening your heart to people who never had the best intentions to begin with.
“It weeds out individuals who can’t wait, don’t want to do it, don’t have the patience or perhaps are lying about trying to be in a relationship,” says Bastien. “You can evaluate if they have been consistent, if they remain interested or become more interested and if you see shared values and emotional availability.”
The timeline of ten dates is long enough to get past initial impressions. Most people put their best foot forward early on — it’s natural to do so. But when you’re trying to impress a romantic prospect, you’re in performance mode. Keeping things polished leaves little room for vulnerability. And, without vulnerability, it’s hard to build anything meaningful.
Sparks can fly during the first couple of dates. You might idealize them without truly knowing them. You might embellish the way you present yourself. But lasting connection is about authenticity, flaws and all. Ten dates gives you a long enough runway to start to start chipping away at the veneer of perfection — yours and theirs — and see what’s underneath.
In other words, you get to know each other better, and without the pressure of making a decision about the relationship too soon.
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“It can help you be more present when together,” says Anderson. “You’re more intentional about learning about the person and not making impulsive decisions based only on how sexy someone is or how cute their smile is,” adds Bastien.
Of course, taking your time doesn’t guarantee love. It just gives you a better shot at finding something real. And in today’s dating landscape, that’s no small thing.
How to Use the TikTok ‘10 Date Rule’ In Real Life
It’s important to remember that this ten-date rule is a guideline more than a strict formula.
“If it helps you make better decisions when dating, use it,” says Bastien.
The idea is to be intentional about the way you show up, give relationships a chance to develop and avoid rushing things impulsively. It’s not to give people who show glaring red flags from the get-go endless chances or rationalize problematic behavior.
Despite what TikTok says, the ten-date thing also doesn’t have to be set in stone if you like the concept of slowing down.
“The key is to focus on the actual human being in front of you,” says Anderson. “Rather than getting caught up on a specific number (and what counts as a date), ask yourself how much you feel like you know about this prospective partner. Do you have a sense of their values, their goals, their weaknesses?”
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Whether it takes five dates or fifteen, the real question is whether you’re building a connection that feels honest — not just exciting. And even if you don’t meet the love of your life, you’ll walk away with clarity instead of regret. In an often-messy dating world, that’s a win in itself.
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