As unique as your arguments may feel in the moment, couples’ therapists see the same issues all day long, from all sorts of people.
While persistent discord is a sign that you should visit a therapist together, there’s no reason to reinvent the wheel when it comes to finding solutions to the fights everyone else is having.
RELATED: The 5 Conflict Styles & When to Use Them in a Relationship
Here are a few common fights couples have, and some quick tips on how to resolve them:
What You Should Know About Fights in Relationships
Disagreements happen in all human relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having different stances, opinions or beliefs from your partner, nor is there anything wrong with feeling angry or frustrated with them from time to time.
In fact, never fighting is actually a potential relationship issue — the healthiest couples distinguish themselves not by a complete lack of disagreement, but by the way in which they handle their arguments.
However, just because emotions running high can turn a disagreement into an argument into a fight doesn’t mean that there’s nothing wrong with fighting, ever.
RELATED: How to Handle a Relationship Argument
If you or your partner take these opportunities to be cruel or to inflict physical or psychological harm on each other, or if they’re happening often enough that they’re dominating the emotional landscape of the relationship, that’s a problem.
If you find yourself talking to friends, family or loved ones often about the fights in your relationship, or seeking out advice online about them, that could be a sign that things have turned toxic. Which doesn’t mean that the relationship can’t be saved, but it does mean that the issue of fighting needs to be addressed.
5 Common Things That Almost All Couples Fight About
1. Attention
This sounds like: “All you do is stare at your phone!”
With the 40-hour work week turning into a 24/7 battle with email and text notifications, it’s not surprising so many couples are facing the “just put down your phone” battle on a regular basis.
Furthermore, it’s no secret that phones and apps are designed to be addictive. It’s no wonder that “phone snubbing” happens even when we’re around those we care about the most. How to deal: Total banishment of the phone isn’t practical. Instead, set a time period when both of your phones will be turned off that you can hang out and bond.
You can also make a pact not to look at your phones when you’re out together. Set a consequence for the first person to break the rules, like having to do the dishes or take out the trash that week.
Or make it fun — the first one to look at their phone owes the other the sexual favor of their choice. That should break some of the tension!Definitely don’t say: “I’m just really bored.”
You’re only bored if you allow yourself to be. This is the person you love, find something to talk about!
2. Money
This sounds like: “You spend too much money!”
If you’re at the stage where you’re sharing expenses and a bank account, that’s a huge change from when you were single. If you spent too much money back then, there was no one to blame except yourself. But now you’re staring down shopping bags or surprising charges, and it’s someone else making those decisions.
RELATED: Most Common Money Fights in Relationships, RevealedHow to deal: You might consider using a “yours, mine, ours” structure for your money so you don’t fight over personal spending.
Couples therapist Jennifer Aull explains: “The shared expenses go into a central pool and are spent according to an agreed-upon method. The other two pools of money — mine and yours — represent some money each person has complete control over.”
Definitely don’t say: “What I spend is none of your business!”
Even if you have separate accounts, or you make more than your partner, your spending patterns can impact both of you.
It may feel uncomfortable to be called out, but being able to talk through your habits when it comes to money now may save you a lot of trouble down the road, since budgeting and spending together is an important part of most long-term relationships.
3. Sex
This sounds like: “We aren’t having enough sex!”
This is one of the toughest fights of all, because sex is a barometer for so much in our lives, from our physical health to our stress levels.
Dr. Adam Sheck, a clinical psychologist, explains that sex can be both the symptom and the cause: “Sex, on a basic physical, instinctual level, is about tension and release of tension.”
Therefore, couples who aren’t getting what they need, sexually, may create conflict on an unconscious level in order to try to fabricate a deeper level of tension.
RELATED: How to Ask Your Partner to Initiate Sex More
What does all that mean? Something we already know: That sex (or lack thereof) can cause a lot of drama — and for good reason!How to deal: Have an honest talk where each of you expresses, in non-blaming words, why sex matters and what you get from it. Maybe your partner feels unattractive. Are there other ways to show that you’re into them physically? It’s possible your partner feels like you don’t even care that your libido has plummeted.
Visiting your doctor for a hormone test, or seeing a sex therapist might show that you’re taking it seriously. One thing Dr. Sheck notes is that if both partners are willing to give it a try, sometimes just “doing it,” even when you’re not feeling hot and heavy, can help shift the mood.Definitely don’t say: “You’re my girlfriend, you have to have sex with me.”
Sorry, but even in relationships, nobody is ever owed sex. Coercion is not only illegal, it’s the last thing that’s going to make your partner want you.
4. Housework & Domestic Labor
This sounds like: “You’re not doing enough around the house!”
You’d think we would’ve learned by now that fighting about chores is even more boring than the chores themselves!
RELATED: Housework Can Have a Big Impact on Your Relationship
How to deal: Sit down together, each of you with your own pen and paper, and rank all of the work you do in a day with a number, as well as the work around the house that needs to get done.
This list will include everything from your day job to carpooling to cleaning up dishes. If a chore is fun for you, maybe you give it a 1. If something else is miserable, rank it a 10.
When you’re done with the exercise, each of you should end up with about the same number for your total chore value. If not, do some shifting around until you both think your workload is fair.
RELATED: The Danger of Treating Your Girlfriend Like Your Mother
Definitely don’t say: “You’re just lazy.” or “You’re a complete neat freak.”
Everyone has different approaches to domestic labor and chores, but invalidating your partner’s is a path to more fights. Trying to understand their approach and find a compromise so that neither of you feels overwhelmed by mess or by work can go a long way.
5. Feeling Loved
This sounds like: “You don’t appreciate me!”
One of the hardest conflicts to resolve happens when someone doesn’t feel valued. What makes this even tougher is that we often feel like if we have to ask for recognition, it doesn’t really count.
RELATED: Compliments Women Can’t ResistHow to deal: Say it out loud. Don’t assume your partner knows how much you appreciate them. Dr. Bill Cloke, a couples therapist and author of the book Happy Together, explains that men and women often need to hear totally different things to feel valued.
According to Cloke, men, in general, need to hear that the work they do is appreciated, and that the sacrifices they make are recognized. Women, on the other hand, tend to need to hear that they are heard and understood, not to mention cherished.Definitely don’t say: “You should just know that I love you and appreciate you.”
Sorry, that’s simply not how it works. Say it loud, and say it proud: “I appreciate you!” Words of Affirmation is literally one of the five main love languages. For many people, not hearing reassuring and supportive words from a partner can feel like they’re being emotionally starved.
You Might Also Dig:
Problematic Relationship Behaviors It’s Time to Stop RomanticizingHere’s How to Recover From a Bad Fight With Your PartnerFights Every Couple Has Before Breaking Up