The result? Lots of people are settling for partners that aren’t actually compatible with them, or just outright don’t deserve them. And experts say it’s crucial to look out for some common signs you’re settling in a relationship so you can take action.
“‘Settling’ describes a dynamic where someone stays with a partner even though their core needs — emotional, intellectual, physical, or otherwise — aren’t really being met,” says Kerry McCarthy, LMHC, a licensed professional counselor and group practice owner at Wandering Pine Wellness.
“It’s not about nitpicking or expecting perfection,” McCarthy says. “Settling often means you’ve quieted your own voice, and convinced yourself to ‘just accept’ a situation that doesn’t feel aligned with your values, desires, or long-term well-being.”
According to McCarthy, settling often stems from fear — fear of being alone, fear of starting over, or fear that wanting more from your partner makes you unrealistic or ungrateful, for example.
And while this might go without saying, giving into those fears and settling definitely comes with some risks. While settling may feel safer in the short term, McCarthy says it often comes at the cost of long-term satisfaction, wellness, and fulfillment.
“Settling can chip away at your sense of self over time,” she explains. “You may start to feel emotionally depleted, resentful, or stuck. There’s also a subtle but very real grief that can come from ignoring your own growth or potential. You might find yourself shrinking to fit the relationship rather than expanding within it.”
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Not to mention — staying in an unfulfilling relationship may prevent you from finding someone who you’re actually aligned with. So, how do you know you’re settling in a relationship? Here are some telltale clues.
Signs You May Be Settling in a Relationship
1. This Relationship Feels Eerily Familiar to a Previous One
Cheryl Groskopf, a dual-licensed marriage and family therapist and professional clinical counselor, notes that settling is often subconscious. Because the brain is wired for safety rather than satisfaction, we’re drawn to those who remind us of other people we’ve known — whether that’s a parent or an ex — but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re “right” for us.
So, take notice if your current partner possesses many of the same qualities and behaviors as a previous one — or if your dynamic is similar. This might suggest you’re just settling for someone who feels familiar.
2. You’re Extra Careful About the Details You Share With Friends & Family
It’s totally healthy to want to keep some aspects of your relationship private.
But if you find yourself constantly hiding certain things that your partner did or said, or if you feel shame or embarrassment when talking about your relationship with loved ones, that’s a red flag, says Jason Fierstein, a licensed professional counselor at Phoenix Men’s Counseling.
Consider asking yourself why you feel the need to conceal so much information. Is it because you don’t think your friends and family would approve of their behavior? And if that’s the case, why should you accept it?
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3. You Keep Finding Yourself Saying, “It’s Not That Bad”
“If you’re constantly comparing your relationship to the worst ones you’ve seen just to justify staying, ask yourself why ‘not horrible’ is the benchmark,” says Goskopf.
Sean O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist and Clinical Director at Maple Moon Recovery, agrees, noting that any self-talk that starts with “at least” can suggest settling.
For example, this might mean telling yourself:
“At least they have a decent job.”“At least they don’t yell at me.”“At least they don’t mind my busy work schedule.”“At least my friends seem to like them.”“At least they haven’t cheated on me.”“At least I have someone.”
Constantly justifying or minimizing your partner’s behavior to yourself or others suggests that you might be downplaying chronic issues deserving your attention, adds McCarthy.
4. You Feel Like Your Needs Are “Asking Too Much”
Everyone deserves to have their needs heard by their partners.
And while your partner may not be able to fulfill them perfectly all the time, what counts is that they show genuine interest and effort in meeting them. So, if your partner has made you feel like your needs are inconvenient or trivial, that’s another potential sign of settling.
“If you’ve stopped expressing what you want because it leads to defensiveness, dismissal, or conflict, you may have internalized the belief that your needs aren’t valid or welcome,” says McCarthy.
5. You’re Always Trying to Change Something About Your Partner
It’s normal to ask your partner to work on certain things — say, communicating more directly with you during a conflict rather than shutting down, or being more mindful about picking up after themselves around the house. But take note if they feel like a continual project.
Spending more energy trying to change the person you’re with into the person you want them to be, rather than accepting them the way they are, can definitely suggest settling, says Fierstein.
Ask yourself: If your partner’s basic traits and behaviors were to hardly change over time, would you still want to be with them? Don’t stay with someone based on the idea of who they “could be” — because there’s no guarantee that they will evolve into your vision of an ideal partner.
“You’re fantasizing about a version of them that doesn’t exist — and dating their potential, not the reality,” explains Groskopf.
6. You Can’t Fully Express Yourself.
Another common sign of settling?
“You feel like you have to shrink or censor yourself,” says Groskopf. “If you can’t say how you feel without walking on eggshells or being dismissed by your partner, they’re just not capable of meeting you where you are.”
A relationship worth staying in is one where you feel safe and supported in sharing your opinions, feelings, and desires — without fear of judgment or backlash.
7. You Feel Lonely
Feeling lonelier in your relationship than you did when you were single?
“Emotional disconnection is a quiet but powerful signal,” says McCarthy. “If you’re in the same room but feel unseen, it’s worth pausing and asking why.”
Being in a relationship should feel like connection and support, adds Groskopf. If you never seem to get the intimacy you’re craving, you may very well be settling.
8. You’re not excited about the future.
Staying in your relationship should feel like a choice, not an obligation. If you’re feeling stuck rather than excited about what’s to come, O’Neill says that’s another red flag to pay attention to.
“Instead of feeling hopeful, energized, and motivated toward riding the trajectory of the relationship, you feel confined by the limitations,” he explains.
Maybe you even get the sense that the relationship is actually holding you back from achieving your goals and dreams for the future.
What to Do if You’re Settling in a Relationship
If some of the aforementioned signs are resonating with you, and you’re wondering how to move forward, here’s what therapists advise.
“First of all — be gentle with yourself,” says McCarthy. “Realizing you might be settling isn’t a failure; it’s a courageous first step toward clarity. We often learn what we need by bumping up against what we don’t. You’re not behind, broken, or foolish for finding yourself here. You’re human.”
McCarthy suggests starting by getting curious. Ask yourself:
What are my non-negotiables? What parts of myself have I muted in this relationship? What do I actually want intimacy to feel like?
“Journaling, talking with a therapist, or even honest conversations with trusted friends can help you sort through the fog,” she tells AskMen.
Unless your relationship is abusive, McCarthy recommends expressing your needs to your partner before calling it quits.
“Sometimes, we settle not because the relationship itself is unhealthy, but because we haven’t voiced our needs clearly, or we’ve abandoned our own growth,” she explains. “If your partner is open, invite them into this conversation. But if you find that your authenticity is consistently unwelcome, that’s important data.”
If you and your partner are both committed to making things work and open to making changes to increase your fulfillment in the relationship, you might consider seeking out a couples therapist.
Or, if you’ve decided to move on from the relationship, it might make sense to pursue therapy on your own. A professional counselor can help you figure out why you’re choosing partners who can’t meet your needs, and learn how to prioritize your happiness and sense of fulfillment in future relationships, says O’Neill.
“Therapy can help clarify whether you’re settling or navigating a rough patch,” adds McCarthy. “Above all, remember that choosing yourself is never a failure — it’s a brave step toward the life (and love) you truly want.”
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