No matter how romantically experienced you are or how many times you’ve had to endure it, going through a breakup is painful.
It can shatter your confidence, dampen your mood, and leave you feeling hopeless for weeks or months. Depending on who decided to call it quits and who was left out to dry, you might be struggling to truly let go and, however much you want to admit it, you may find the breakup affecting seemingly every other part of your life. From how you’re functioning at work to taking care of yourself to the state of your home, heartbreak doesn’t just hit you when you are lying in bed alone at night; it can impact everything and everyone around you.
RELATED: The 5 Phases of a Breakup, Revealed If you do not take the necessary steps to rid yourself of those old feelings, let go of those could-be, should-be thoughts and make an effort to move on, getting over your ex might feel like such a heavy burden. You may not even know where to begin. Here, top dating experts give their best advice for getting over that ex of yours in a healthy, productive way, so that you can move forward with your life and hopefully find a lasting connection in the future.
1. Accept That Breakups Are Hard
While it can be hard to focus on this now, there’s an important truth buried in your pain.
As Gary Brown, a couples therapist in Los Angeles, puts it, “If you do find yourself dwelling on the loss, it simply means that a very important attachment you formed has been broken and, of course, you are likely going to be thinking about the pain of your loss more than if you didn’t care for them that much in the end.” Another big reason why breakups can create a huge shift in your life is because relationships create a structure that single life doesn’t. Not only do you have someone to spend your free time with, ordering in takeout and watching Netflix on repeat, but you likely always have plans to look forward to and, well, as cliche as it is, a partner in crime.
“The ending of a relationship is a form of grief,” says relationship therapist Courtney Geter. “Not only are we grieving the loss of a person, but also the loss of a routine with that person.”
“After the relationship ends, not only are we experiencing uncomfortable emotions, but we are also trying to create a new routine,” she adds. “Many people are ‘creatures of habit,’ and creating a new routine is tough and breaking old habits or routines is not easy.”
RELATED: How to Remain Positive After a Breakup
Plus, there’s the question of running into things that remind you of your ex while trying to live your life.
“While trying to create this new routine, you may also return to old habits or places you shared with your ex,” Geter says. “That is just another reminder of your loss. If you do not have coping skills to manage feelings around loss, it may be more difficult to work through the breakup.”
The hardest part of a relationship ending is losing your best friend, however.
Your now-ex is “probably someone you talked to about everything,” says licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. “If something exciting happened at work, they were probably the first person you texted about it. If something upsetting happened, they were there to comfort you. They were probably your go-to person when you wanted to see that new movie or try that new restaurant that opened up.”
As a result, says Schewitz, your ex was likely “your biggest supporter and your best friend. So even if you know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship and the breakup was for the best, you are still grieving a loss.”
Knowing all of this, you have to accept that your sadness at the breakup is an appropriate response. Rather than run away from it or expect yourself not to have these feelings, you need to sit with them.
2. Do Some Serious Soul-Searching
One of the most painful consequences of a breakup is being forced to re-examine your own life and your own personality.
Psychotherapist LeslieBeth Wish, author of Training Your Love Intuition, wants you to do some serious introspection: “If you are really serious about getting over your ex, then you have no choice but to do some deep soul-searching about you. There is no way around it.”
Lots of people try to avoid it, of course, throwing themselves into work, a hobby, a post-breakup exercise regimen, eating their feelings, watching a lot of porn, or some other method of coping. But ultimately, you’re going to have to confront yourself. Wish suggests you examine two areas, which she calls your “Life Situation” and your “Dating Patterns.”
For Life Situations, ask yourself the following questions: “Why did I fall in love when I did? Was I feeling that I was getting older and should settle down? Was I the only — or almost the only person in my family not in a serious relationship? Did I lose a parent recently? Have I been dealing with health scares or have been in an accident recently?”
RELATED: Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making
And for Dating Patterns: “Did I ‘overcorrect’ my previous and/or most emotionally painful choice of partner? For example, if your previously busted relationship was with someone who over-relied on you and was too needy, then you might choose someone who seems to ‘have it all together,’ but then who ends up bossing and controlling you — or who rushes you into a bigger commitment because that is ‘the next step’ in their busy, pre-planned life.”
This kind of work isn’t easy or fun, but it will help you identify your own negative patterns and help bring you one step closer to finding a lasting relationship.
3. Tell Close Friends How You Really Feel
One of the most common mistakes men make when they’re struggling is retreating into themselves.
RELATED: Things Men Do Online After a Breakup
Instead of sharing their pain or confusion after a breakup, they isolate themselves socially, and often fall into destructive patterns, whether that means something relatively harmless like playing too many video games or something more serious like abusing substances.
The solution, however, is relatively straightforward — you need to share, to open up.
“One of the ways to cope with this is to talk about it with people that you trust,” Brown says. “Why the relationship ended may be a significant factor in just how long you do or do not grieve the loss.”
“Obtaining feedback from people you trust can help you absorb the loss a bit quicker, although some losses are so great that it is going to take a while,” he adds. “There is no mathematical formula for this. Take whatever time you need, figure out what happened. Learn from it. Move through it and move forward in your life.”
RELATED: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?
The people you love and trust will be able to listen to you, to help you work through your pain at the loss, but they’ll also be able to offer you helpful feedback.
Maybe you made some mistakes in the relationship that you weren’t aware of, or maybe you were blind to some of your ex’s faults. Your friends and family will be able to tell you those things — but only if you let them in.
4. Put Yourself Out There Again
You won’t even know that you’re fully over your ex until you start putting yourself out there again, but there’s no better recipe for letting go of the past than finding a reason to look forward to the future.
RELATED: How to Be a Gentleman After a Breakup
You don’t have to jump right in, either. You can take baby steps. Maybe download a dating app and create a profile, but don’t start swiping. Or just stop saying no to your friends’ offers of a night out, in the presence of other single people.
You don’t necessarily need to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but don’t retreat into a cocoon, either. Not only is self-isolation not conducive to healing or having an actually healthy life, but you never know when or where you might meet the person you’ve been waiting for. You Might Also Dig:
What She’s Thinking After Your Breakup How to Navigate Social Media After a BreakupWhat to Do Right After a Breakup
It can shatter your confidence, dampen your mood, and leave you feeling hopeless for weeks or months. Depending on who decided to call it quits and who was left out to dry, you might be struggling to truly let go and, however much you want to admit it, you may find the breakup affecting seemingly every other part of your life. From how you’re functioning at work to taking care of yourself to the state of your home, heartbreak doesn’t just hit you when you are lying in bed alone at night; it can impact everything and everyone around you.
RELATED: The 5 Phases of a Breakup, Revealed If you do not take the necessary steps to rid yourself of those old feelings, let go of those could-be, should-be thoughts and make an effort to move on, getting over your ex might feel like such a heavy burden. You may not even know where to begin. Here, top dating experts give their best advice for getting over that ex of yours in a healthy, productive way, so that you can move forward with your life and hopefully find a lasting connection in the future.
1. Accept That Breakups Are Hard
While it can be hard to focus on this now, there’s an important truth buried in your pain.
As Gary Brown, a couples therapist in Los Angeles, puts it, “If you do find yourself dwelling on the loss, it simply means that a very important attachment you formed has been broken and, of course, you are likely going to be thinking about the pain of your loss more than if you didn’t care for them that much in the end.” Another big reason why breakups can create a huge shift in your life is because relationships create a structure that single life doesn’t. Not only do you have someone to spend your free time with, ordering in takeout and watching Netflix on repeat, but you likely always have plans to look forward to and, well, as cliche as it is, a partner in crime.
“The ending of a relationship is a form of grief,” says relationship therapist Courtney Geter. “Not only are we grieving the loss of a person, but also the loss of a routine with that person.”
“After the relationship ends, not only are we experiencing uncomfortable emotions, but we are also trying to create a new routine,” she adds. “Many people are ‘creatures of habit,’ and creating a new routine is tough and breaking old habits or routines is not easy.”
RELATED: How to Remain Positive After a Breakup
Plus, there’s the question of running into things that remind you of your ex while trying to live your life.
“While trying to create this new routine, you may also return to old habits or places you shared with your ex,” Geter says. “That is just another reminder of your loss. If you do not have coping skills to manage feelings around loss, it may be more difficult to work through the breakup.”
The hardest part of a relationship ending is losing your best friend, however.
Your now-ex is “probably someone you talked to about everything,” says licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. “If something exciting happened at work, they were probably the first person you texted about it. If something upsetting happened, they were there to comfort you. They were probably your go-to person when you wanted to see that new movie or try that new restaurant that opened up.”
As a result, says Schewitz, your ex was likely “your biggest supporter and your best friend. So even if you know that it wasn’t a healthy relationship and the breakup was for the best, you are still grieving a loss.”
Knowing all of this, you have to accept that your sadness at the breakup is an appropriate response. Rather than run away from it or expect yourself not to have these feelings, you need to sit with them.
2. Do Some Serious Soul-Searching
One of the most painful consequences of a breakup is being forced to re-examine your own life and your own personality.
Psychotherapist LeslieBeth Wish, author of Training Your Love Intuition, wants you to do some serious introspection: “If you are really serious about getting over your ex, then you have no choice but to do some deep soul-searching about you. There is no way around it.”
Lots of people try to avoid it, of course, throwing themselves into work, a hobby, a post-breakup exercise regimen, eating their feelings, watching a lot of porn, or some other method of coping. But ultimately, you’re going to have to confront yourself. Wish suggests you examine two areas, which she calls your “Life Situation” and your “Dating Patterns.”
For Life Situations, ask yourself the following questions: “Why did I fall in love when I did? Was I feeling that I was getting older and should settle down? Was I the only — or almost the only person in my family not in a serious relationship? Did I lose a parent recently? Have I been dealing with health scares or have been in an accident recently?”
RELATED: Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making
And for Dating Patterns: “Did I ‘overcorrect’ my previous and/or most emotionally painful choice of partner? For example, if your previously busted relationship was with someone who over-relied on you and was too needy, then you might choose someone who seems to ‘have it all together,’ but then who ends up bossing and controlling you — or who rushes you into a bigger commitment because that is ‘the next step’ in their busy, pre-planned life.”
This kind of work isn’t easy or fun, but it will help you identify your own negative patterns and help bring you one step closer to finding a lasting relationship.
3. Tell Close Friends How You Really Feel
One of the most common mistakes men make when they’re struggling is retreating into themselves.
RELATED: Things Men Do Online After a Breakup
Instead of sharing their pain or confusion after a breakup, they isolate themselves socially, and often fall into destructive patterns, whether that means something relatively harmless like playing too many video games or something more serious like abusing substances.
The solution, however, is relatively straightforward — you need to share, to open up.
“One of the ways to cope with this is to talk about it with people that you trust,” Brown says. “Why the relationship ended may be a significant factor in just how long you do or do not grieve the loss.”
“Obtaining feedback from people you trust can help you absorb the loss a bit quicker, although some losses are so great that it is going to take a while,” he adds. “There is no mathematical formula for this. Take whatever time you need, figure out what happened. Learn from it. Move through it and move forward in your life.”
RELATED: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?
The people you love and trust will be able to listen to you, to help you work through your pain at the loss, but they’ll also be able to offer you helpful feedback.
Maybe you made some mistakes in the relationship that you weren’t aware of, or maybe you were blind to some of your ex’s faults. Your friends and family will be able to tell you those things — but only if you let them in.
4. Put Yourself Out There Again
You won’t even know that you’re fully over your ex until you start putting yourself out there again, but there’s no better recipe for letting go of the past than finding a reason to look forward to the future.
RELATED: How to Be a Gentleman After a Breakup
You don’t have to jump right in, either. You can take baby steps. Maybe download a dating app and create a profile, but don’t start swiping. Or just stop saying no to your friends’ offers of a night out, in the presence of other single people.
You don’t necessarily need to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but don’t retreat into a cocoon, either. Not only is self-isolation not conducive to healing or having an actually healthy life, but you never know when or where you might meet the person you’ve been waiting for. You Might Also Dig:
What She’s Thinking After Your Breakup How to Navigate Social Media After a BreakupWhat to Do Right After a Breakup