Maybe it’s a coworker who makes you laugh or someone you met at the gym who seems to genuinely appreciate your terrible dad jokes. The butterflies are real, the daydreaming has started, and now you’re wondering: Does this make me a terrible person?
The short answer? Probably not. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Angela Sitka, having a crush while in a long-term relationship is actually pretty common.
“We’re human, so curiosity, attraction, and admiration don’t automatically switch off just because we’re in a relationship,” she explains.
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While crushes might be normal, they’re not always so simple. Understanding what they mean and how to handle them can make the difference between a harmless connection and a situation that can seriously impact your relationship.
Not All Crushes Are Created Equal
Monogamy doesn’t come with an off switch for your brain. That instant connection you feel with someone new, the appreciation for how they carry themselves, or the way they make you feel seen in a conversation — these things happen regardless of your relationship status.
“Oftentimes, it’s a fleeting moment of connection or attraction,” Sitka notes. In many cases, these feelings are usually harmless and don’t necessarily indicate anything wrong with your current relationship.
The problem isn’t the initial spark of attraction — it’s what you do with it, Sitka adds. There’s a big difference between appreciating someone’s sense of humor in passing and developing a growing emotional attachment to someone you spend a good amount of time with.
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When Has a Crush Gone Too Far?
Some crushes are innocent moments of admiration or desire that fade as quickly as they appear. But others can evolve into something more complex and potentially problematic for your relationship.
“When a crush moves into emotional intimacy or secret-keeping [from your partner], it can start to blur boundaries,” Sitka explains.
If you find yourself going out of your way to spend time with this person, sharing personal details, or keeping interactions secret from your partner, you’ve likely crossed into dangerous territory, she adds.
For some relationships, this can be considered cheating, says Dr. Karen Stewart, Psy.D, sex and relationship therapist.
“The problem isn’t so much in the fact that you’re having conversations with someone you’re crushing on,” she says. “If you know it would hurt the feelings of your significant other, you’re cheating them out of honesty and out of the security of your commitment.”
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What a Crush Says About Your Current Relationship
On the other hand, crushes can reflect on what might be missing in your relationship, such as admiration, excitement, or a sense of being truly seen and appreciated, says Sitka.
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“It can be helpful to ask yourself what this new connection is waking up in you,” suggests Sitka. “Is it excitement? Playfulness? A part of yourself you haven’t expressed in a while?”
Sometimes, a crush is less about the other person and more about what they represent. Maybe they appreciate your sense of humor in a way your partner hasn’t in years. Perhaps they show genuine interest in your thoughts and opinions. Or maybe they simply represent the excitement and unpredictability that long-term relationships can sometimes lack.
The key is to recognize that these feelings don’t necessarily mean your crush would make a better partner or create a more fulfilling relationship.
“We often idealize crushes — especially when we aren’t in a position to fully explore the relationship,” Sitka explains. “Crushes exist in a kind of safe fantasy space where we don’t have to navigate the sometimes challenging realities of compatibility, trust, or long-term partnership.”
What You Should Do When You Have a Crush
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by feelings for someone else, it’s worth seeking clarity about what’s happening.
First, reflect on why you might be having this crush in the first place, suggests Sitka. Is your crush highlighting areas where you feel unfulfilled or underappreciated? Or does it suggest that something fundamental isn’t working in your current partnership? “Sometimes, a crush becomes a mirror reflecting back the places we’ve been feeling unseen, lonely, or stuck.”
Once you figure out your feelings, talk to someone. Both Sitka and Dr. Stewart agree that seeing a therapist can provide a neutral space to explore these feelings without potentially damaging your relationship.
And as taboo as it might sound, it’s OK to talk this out with your partner. “I have witnessed huge growth in relationships by exploring and discussing crushes,” says Dr. Stewart, but definitely have this conversation before any cheating has happened.” Once the trust is broken and/or an infidelity has occurred, those are often much bigger conversations and could lead to much bigger consequences.”
Having these conversations within your relationship can be hard for some people, but according to Dr. Stewart, it can be a huge relationship builder, tightening the bond between you and your partner.
Should You Consider Being Non-Monogamous?
“If you’re curious about non-monogamy, my recommendation is to separate that exploration from the emotional intensity of a current crush,” Sitka says. “Entering open relationships because you’re hoping to date a specific person while keeping your current relationship intact is often not the best way to begin.”
This approach may lead to painful, complicated outcomes, particularly when one person is more invested in the crush than in thoughtfully navigating ethical non-monogamy as a whole. However, if you’re someone who develops crushes on other people a lot, it could be a sign that monogamy isn’t right for you. Talking to your partner about it in the context of this broader pattern, rather than specifically about your current crush, could be more useful.
Ultimately, having a crush on someone new doesn’t mean your relationship is over, but it also shouldn’t be ignored. A crush can serve as a wake-up call regarding your needs, patterns, and feelings in your current relationship.
“Whether that leads to deeper investment in your existing partnership or the realization that something needs to shift, it’s not the crush itself that’s the problem — it’s how we choose to respond to it,” Sitka says.
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