Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight — err — gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at joeyskladanywrites@gmail.com).
The Question
“A good friend of mine just came out as trans. Though it took me by surprise and is something I don’t completely understand, I want to do everything in my power to support them. Do you have any tips or resources that you can share?” – Barry, Philadelphia, PA
The Answer
First and foremost, give yourself a ton of credit for wanting to provide your friend with love and support instead of judgment and rejection. That’s a true testament to how good of a person you are since many humans lack basic empathy and the cognitive ability (or desire) to understand why or how someone is different from them.
RELATED: Different Sexual Orientations, Explained
Your friend is also extremely lucky to have someone like you in their life, especially as they navigate something so deeply personal and challenging, yet liberating and exciting.
As you’re clearly aware, the transgender community has been subjected to an onslaught of unnecessary cruelty and orchestrated attacks. It feels as though they’re being to draw attention from issues that our elected public servants like to casually dust under the rug.
But no amount of vitriol will discredit years of psychological research that validates their existence. And while the acceptance of one’s personal identity shouldn’t hinge on science, there is simply no erasing a characteristic that has been documented for literal centuries.
I have quite a few transgender and non-binary friends and these have been my biggest takeaways, which they have collectively approved of:
1. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions
Adapting to a new name and/or set of pronouns can be jarring and even difficult, but it reaffirms their existence and your commitment to loving them unconditionally.
Ask how you can be of service to them during this transition, in any capacity, whether it’s to accompany them to a doctor’s appointment or to simply grab a glass of wine and hear them discuss their journey. They’re always likely to appreciate the interest you have taken in getting to know the most authentic version of themselves.
RELATED: The Proper Way to Support Your Trans Masculine Partner
It’s also essential that you inquire about confidentiality. You don’t want to accidentally out a trans individual if they’ve decided to only divulge this information to a small group of trustworthy people. Always err on the side of caution and be respectful. The most important thing you can do, no matter the time or place, is listen intently.
2. Educate Yourself
There is a robust number of helpful resources through organizations such as The Trevor Project, Advocates for Trans Equality, GLAAD, and the Human Rights Campaign that offer literature on how to be the best ally. These address topics like the difference between sex and gender, common communication mistakes, and how to increase one’s general understanding of transitioning (which looks completely different for every person).
Read up on as many texts as possible and, should you have the time, schedule a meeting with an LGBTQ+ mental health professional who can better explain these practices and offer helpful advice in real time.
RELATED: What You Should Know About Transgender People
3. Challenge Transphobic Behavior
A noble thing you can do as a cisgender member of society is to openly and loudly speak on behalf of those who are most vulnerable.
Should you come across transphobic language or non-inclusive spaces, use your privilege to right these wrongs by addressing the issue immediately. That said, your safety and the safety of your trans friend is of the utmost importance. Avoid any confrontations that could lead to violence and locate other behind-the-scenes avenues where your voice may be more effective.
RELATED: 3 Things That Cis Men Should Learn From Trans Men
While I typically answer Str8Curious column questions with trademark sass and humor, I don’t find anything funny about how much the transgender community has been villainized by those in power.
After all, there is no LGBTQ+ without the T, and it’s our responsibility to continue this fight (which was once spearheaded by trans women of color like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera) for equality. Continue to stand up for what’s right and celebrate your friend for being brave enough to live their truth in such a disheartening and, frankly, terrifying climate.
You Might Also Dig:
Str8Curious: Does Liking Trans Women Mean I’m Not Straight? What to Know When Dating Someone That’s Come Out as Non-BinaryYour Guide to Gender-Fluid and Non-Binary Relationships
The Question
“A good friend of mine just came out as trans. Though it took me by surprise and is something I don’t completely understand, I want to do everything in my power to support them. Do you have any tips or resources that you can share?” – Barry, Philadelphia, PA
The Answer
First and foremost, give yourself a ton of credit for wanting to provide your friend with love and support instead of judgment and rejection. That’s a true testament to how good of a person you are since many humans lack basic empathy and the cognitive ability (or desire) to understand why or how someone is different from them.
RELATED: Different Sexual Orientations, Explained
Your friend is also extremely lucky to have someone like you in their life, especially as they navigate something so deeply personal and challenging, yet liberating and exciting.
As you’re clearly aware, the transgender community has been subjected to an onslaught of unnecessary cruelty and orchestrated attacks. It feels as though they’re being to draw attention from issues that our elected public servants like to casually dust under the rug.
But no amount of vitriol will discredit years of psychological research that validates their existence. And while the acceptance of one’s personal identity shouldn’t hinge on science, there is simply no erasing a characteristic that has been documented for literal centuries.
I have quite a few transgender and non-binary friends and these have been my biggest takeaways, which they have collectively approved of:
1. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions
Adapting to a new name and/or set of pronouns can be jarring and even difficult, but it reaffirms their existence and your commitment to loving them unconditionally.
Ask how you can be of service to them during this transition, in any capacity, whether it’s to accompany them to a doctor’s appointment or to simply grab a glass of wine and hear them discuss their journey. They’re always likely to appreciate the interest you have taken in getting to know the most authentic version of themselves.
RELATED: The Proper Way to Support Your Trans Masculine Partner
It’s also essential that you inquire about confidentiality. You don’t want to accidentally out a trans individual if they’ve decided to only divulge this information to a small group of trustworthy people. Always err on the side of caution and be respectful. The most important thing you can do, no matter the time or place, is listen intently.
2. Educate Yourself
There is a robust number of helpful resources through organizations such as The Trevor Project, Advocates for Trans Equality, GLAAD, and the Human Rights Campaign that offer literature on how to be the best ally. These address topics like the difference between sex and gender, common communication mistakes, and how to increase one’s general understanding of transitioning (which looks completely different for every person).
Read up on as many texts as possible and, should you have the time, schedule a meeting with an LGBTQ+ mental health professional who can better explain these practices and offer helpful advice in real time.
RELATED: What You Should Know About Transgender People
3. Challenge Transphobic Behavior
A noble thing you can do as a cisgender member of society is to openly and loudly speak on behalf of those who are most vulnerable.
Should you come across transphobic language or non-inclusive spaces, use your privilege to right these wrongs by addressing the issue immediately. That said, your safety and the safety of your trans friend is of the utmost importance. Avoid any confrontations that could lead to violence and locate other behind-the-scenes avenues where your voice may be more effective.
RELATED: 3 Things That Cis Men Should Learn From Trans Men
While I typically answer Str8Curious column questions with trademark sass and humor, I don’t find anything funny about how much the transgender community has been villainized by those in power.
After all, there is no LGBTQ+ without the T, and it’s our responsibility to continue this fight (which was once spearheaded by trans women of color like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera) for equality. Continue to stand up for what’s right and celebrate your friend for being brave enough to live their truth in such a disheartening and, frankly, terrifying climate.
You Might Also Dig:
Str8Curious: Does Liking Trans Women Mean I’m Not Straight? What to Know When Dating Someone That’s Come Out as Non-BinaryYour Guide to Gender-Fluid and Non-Binary Relationships