Recently, researchers discovered that this decline in relationship satisfaction that leads to a breakup actually follows two very predictable phases, with a slow decrease followed by a sharp drop starting 7 to 28 months before the relationship ends.
But here’s what’s interesting: The partners who initiate the breakups start experiencing this decline a whole year earlier than those who get dumped.
RELATED: How to Break Up With Someone Nicely
So, why is this important? Well, if we know what trajectory this falling-out-of-love phase follows, we have a better chance at intervening and repairing our relationship before it’s too late.
Here’s what couples therapists say about these research findings, how to tell if your relationship has hit a point of no return, and what to do if you’re worried it’s headed in that direction.
Why Does It Take 7-28 Months for a Relationship to End?
If there’s one thing to glean from this new study, it’s that most people don’t make hasty decisions to end their relationships. In fact, some wait it out for more than two years, despite feeling unhappy, before calling it quits.
Why the slow decline? According to Jason Fierstein, LPC, founder of Phoenix Men’s Counseling, the partner who’s unsatisfied may be gradually building evidence in their mind to justify the breakup.
“Once they recognize that they are not happy, they look for things that confirm those thoughts or feelings of unhappiness, which then leads to a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction after that,” explains Terri Orbuch, a research scientist and relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com.
By the time that person initiates the breakup, they’ve often already grieved the loss of their partner and the relationship at large.
“As a relationship therapist, I often see that the partner who ends the relationship emotionally detaches for some time before they break up,” says Tammy Nelson, LPC, a certified sex and couples therapist, host of the podcast The Trouble With Sex. “I see this as a time of grieving, where they are slowly letting go of the vision they had of the relationship and where they thought it was heading. They’ve been reflecting and weighing out their decision, wondering if they can fool themselves into thinking things will change.”
Mandolin Moody, LMSW, a mental health expert and associate therapist at Gateway to Solutions, says communication styles come into play here, too.
“Passive communicators tend to avoid expressing their feelings or unmet needs, which over time leads to a buildup of grievances and even resentment, sometimes without their own awareness, too,” she adds.
RELATED: When to Break Up in a Relationship (& How to Tell If You Should)
Fierstein notes that the unsuspecting partner may also have blind spots about the issues in their relationship — in other words, they might be in denial, or not attentive enough to notice subtle shifts in the dynamic that suggest dissatisfaction. Or, they might notice, but be so conflict-avoidant that they’re afraid to tackle the issues head-on.
How to Tell If Your Struggling Relationship Is Salvageable
Here are some signs to look out for that your relationship may be headed toward breakup territory, according to Fierstein and Orbuch. By recognizing these red flags, you may be able to take action before the relationship is beyond repair.
It feels like your partner is gradually “pulling away” — they’re not sharing their thoughts and feelings as often, giving you shorter answers, and seem generally less willing to get vulnerableYou’re starting to bicker a lot about small thingsYour partner hasn’t been making a lot of effort to carve out quality time with youIt feels like a lot of what you say and do lately is misinterpreted or misunderstood — it’s like you’re speaking different languagesThere’s been a noticeable shift in your sex life — for example, your partner isn’t initiating anymore
Keep in mind that arguing isn’t necessarily a bad sign — because it suggests that there’s still some level of emotional engagement.
“The real danger is apathy — when two people stop caring enough to fight for each other,” explains Nelson. “If you’re still arguing, you’re still talking. As long as the fighting doesn’t leave lasting damage, there’s hope.
How to Tell If Your Relationship May Be Beyond Repair
Sometimes, relationships hit a “point of no return” — when it’s better to cut your losses and move on. According to Moody and Nelson, these are some of the signs they look for that a relationship may be beyond saving.
Both partners feel sustained contempt for each otherThere’s a resistance from one or both partners to work on and heal the toxic patterns in the relationshipEach partner isn’t able to recognize and own up to the role they’re playing in the relationship’s failureThe partners’ goals for the relationship don’t align — or they have other significant differences in values, beliefs, and priorities — and neither is willing to compromise
RELATED: Warning Signs You’re About to Break Up
What to Do If You or Your Partner Is Falling Out of Love
The first step to salvaging a flailing relationship is to acknowledge that it’s suffering — and take the risk to talk about it in a non-threatening and growth-promoting way, says Fierstein.
“Nip it in the bud now,” he tells AskMen.
As for how to start the conversation, you may start simply by telling your partner the behaviors or dynamics you’re noticing lately, and how they make you feel.
Then, after your partner has had a chance to share what they’re experiencing, you can make some suggestions for how to proactively improve the relationship — starting with couples therapy.
According to Moody, the antidote to relationship dissatisfaction is often to develop better communication skills, foster respect and appreciation for each other, and develop healthy coping strategies for when you’re emotionally flooded during conflict.
RELATED: What You Should Know About Couples Therapy
A couples therapist can help with all of these steps. Not only that, but they provide a “safe space” to dialogue about your fears, hopes, and feelings.
“Dialogue can help you and your partner understand one another’s deeper value systems, develop empathy for each other, and create shared meaning as a couple over time,” says Moody. “And should you and your partner still decide to separate in the long term, you have, at the very least, preserved healthy feelings of love, empathy, and respect for one another.”
As Orbuch explains, this recently published study’s findings are pretty clear: An unhappy relationship isn’t doomed — but it’s crucial to intervene before that unhappiness continues to fester.
“In other words, don’t let a small decline become larger,” says Orbuch. “If you recognize that your relationship satisfaction is declining, make sure you talk with your partner — and get some support right away.”
You Might Also Dig:
What to Do Right After a Breakup5 Rules to Help You Have a Non-Dramatic BreakupHow to Break Up When Your Partner’s in Love