Breakups are never easy. But getting over a relationship that never really took off is a unique kind of heartache. There are what-ifs and unanswered questions. You’re not just mourning what was, but what could’ve been.
People don’t treat your loss as seriously as a breakup because you weren’t technically in a serious relationship. You may even feel pressure to move on. But the pain still lingers, and it affects your attempts at trying to date again.
As couples and individual therapist Thomas Westenholz puts it, that kind of grief is real and often overlooked: “I wish men knew that it’s OK to grieve something that never fully happened. That sense of loss is real, even without a long timeline or official title. You’re not weak for feeling disappointed. You’re human.”
RELATED: How to Remain Positive After a Breakup, According to Experts
So, how do you move forward? It starts with acknowledging the emotional impact of the experience and working through your feelings. From there, you can take steps to reframe what happened and open yourself up to connection again. Here are some steps to get over a relationship that almost was.
1. Name the Loss
Just because you weren’t official doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. Saying it out loud is the first step to letting go.
Putting your loss into words (“I really thought we could’ve been something”) helps your nervous system process what happened instead of staying stuck in confusion, according to Westenholz.
2. Don’t Minimize Your Feelings
It’s easy to downplay your feelings and tell yourself it wasn’t that serious.
But “that’s shame talking,” says Westenholz. “Emotional attachment doesn’t need a label or timeline to be valid.”
RELATED: What She’s Thinking After Your Breakup
Give your true emotions the space to surface without any judgement. And avoid talking about the situation with people who invalidate them.
3. Focus on Reflection (But Don’t Blame Yourself)
“Build resilience and emotional awareness by using this time to turn your attention inward and reflect on what this experience taught you about your own needs and patterns,” suggests Brie Temple, chief matchmaker and chief commercial officer at Tawkify.
Keep in mind this isn’t the same as spiraling in self-blame.
RELATED: Post-Breakup Rules to Follow
“It’s important to try and avoid blaming yourself for anything that went wrong and replaying every interaction in your head. Those mental loops only trap you in the past.”
Learning is one thing. Knowing what you would do differently next time is healthy. But beating yourself up or replaying scenes in your head over and over again is not.
4. Reclaim Your Energy
Feeling drained about the end of your potential relationship? “It’s time to reclaim your energy,” recommends Westenholz. Find ways to fill your cup. Invest in your friendships.
Hit the gym or join a running club. Start a creative process – “anything that reminds you of your agency,” adds Westenholz.
RELATED: Why You Should Work Out After a Breakup
5. Recognize the Fantasy
It’s also important to be honest with yourself about whether you fell in love with a fantasy. Holding onto an idealized version of them isn’t helpful, but it’s common.
“When a connection never fully formed, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with fantasy. It will help you regain emotional clarity if you ground yourself in what actually happened instead of what you hoped might happen,” says Temple.
6. Talk to Someone About It
Struggling to cope on your own? Talking to someone can be helpful. “Whether it’s a therapist or a trusted friend, don’t try to tough it out alone. We heal in connection — not isolation,” says Westenholz.
7. Protect Your Peace Online
Stalking them on social media is tempting. But it’s not going to help you heal. According to Temple, unfollowing or muting your almost-ex (and any other people associated with them) can help you create the emotional distance needed to move forward. You don’t need constant reminders of what could’ve been.
RELATED: How to Navigate Social Media After a Breakup
8. Ease Back Into Dating
It’s important not to rush into dating someone new. Grieving means feeling all your feelings. It looks different for everyone, and there’s no way to speed it up. As much as it can be uncomfortable, doing it properly will allow you to open yourself up to new people again.
“Slowly expose yourself back to dating with the intention to remind yourself that connection is still out there, not with the intention of replacing the old spark,” says Temple.
Don’t date to distract yourself. And use the opportunity to learn what truly works for you, adds Temple.
RELATED: How to Avoid Rebound Relationship Mistakes
Whether it was bad timing or incompatibility, getting over a relationship that never really took off can sometimes be harder than dealing with a more typical breakup. But the steps above will help you address and validate the quiet ache that lingers when something felt so real yet incomplete.
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People don’t treat your loss as seriously as a breakup because you weren’t technically in a serious relationship. You may even feel pressure to move on. But the pain still lingers, and it affects your attempts at trying to date again.
As couples and individual therapist Thomas Westenholz puts it, that kind of grief is real and often overlooked: “I wish men knew that it’s OK to grieve something that never fully happened. That sense of loss is real, even without a long timeline or official title. You’re not weak for feeling disappointed. You’re human.”
RELATED: How to Remain Positive After a Breakup, According to Experts
So, how do you move forward? It starts with acknowledging the emotional impact of the experience and working through your feelings. From there, you can take steps to reframe what happened and open yourself up to connection again. Here are some steps to get over a relationship that almost was.
1. Name the Loss
Just because you weren’t official doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. Saying it out loud is the first step to letting go.
Putting your loss into words (“I really thought we could’ve been something”) helps your nervous system process what happened instead of staying stuck in confusion, according to Westenholz.
2. Don’t Minimize Your Feelings
It’s easy to downplay your feelings and tell yourself it wasn’t that serious.
But “that’s shame talking,” says Westenholz. “Emotional attachment doesn’t need a label or timeline to be valid.”
RELATED: What She’s Thinking After Your Breakup
Give your true emotions the space to surface without any judgement. And avoid talking about the situation with people who invalidate them.
3. Focus on Reflection (But Don’t Blame Yourself)
“Build resilience and emotional awareness by using this time to turn your attention inward and reflect on what this experience taught you about your own needs and patterns,” suggests Brie Temple, chief matchmaker and chief commercial officer at Tawkify.
Keep in mind this isn’t the same as spiraling in self-blame.
RELATED: Post-Breakup Rules to Follow
“It’s important to try and avoid blaming yourself for anything that went wrong and replaying every interaction in your head. Those mental loops only trap you in the past.”
Learning is one thing. Knowing what you would do differently next time is healthy. But beating yourself up or replaying scenes in your head over and over again is not.
4. Reclaim Your Energy
Feeling drained about the end of your potential relationship? “It’s time to reclaim your energy,” recommends Westenholz. Find ways to fill your cup. Invest in your friendships.
Hit the gym or join a running club. Start a creative process – “anything that reminds you of your agency,” adds Westenholz.
RELATED: Why You Should Work Out After a Breakup
5. Recognize the Fantasy
It’s also important to be honest with yourself about whether you fell in love with a fantasy. Holding onto an idealized version of them isn’t helpful, but it’s common.
“When a connection never fully formed, it’s easy to fill in the blanks with fantasy. It will help you regain emotional clarity if you ground yourself in what actually happened instead of what you hoped might happen,” says Temple.
6. Talk to Someone About It
Struggling to cope on your own? Talking to someone can be helpful. “Whether it’s a therapist or a trusted friend, don’t try to tough it out alone. We heal in connection — not isolation,” says Westenholz.
7. Protect Your Peace Online
Stalking them on social media is tempting. But it’s not going to help you heal. According to Temple, unfollowing or muting your almost-ex (and any other people associated with them) can help you create the emotional distance needed to move forward. You don’t need constant reminders of what could’ve been.
RELATED: How to Navigate Social Media After a Breakup
8. Ease Back Into Dating
It’s important not to rush into dating someone new. Grieving means feeling all your feelings. It looks different for everyone, and there’s no way to speed it up. As much as it can be uncomfortable, doing it properly will allow you to open yourself up to new people again.
“Slowly expose yourself back to dating with the intention to remind yourself that connection is still out there, not with the intention of replacing the old spark,” says Temple.
Don’t date to distract yourself. And use the opportunity to learn what truly works for you, adds Temple.
RELATED: How to Avoid Rebound Relationship Mistakes
Whether it was bad timing or incompatibility, getting over a relationship that never really took off can sometimes be harder than dealing with a more typical breakup. But the steps above will help you address and validate the quiet ache that lingers when something felt so real yet incomplete.
You Might Also Dig:
Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making Signs She’s Not Interested in You Things Men Do Online After a Breakup