Things like having mismatched libidos can start to wear on couples if it’s not addressed properly, but it’s actually a lot more common than it might seem.
“I’ve worked with countless couples where one partner wants sex twice a week and the other wants it twice a month — it’s incredibly common,” explains Audrey Schoen, LMFT. “What I see is that most couples treat this like a math problem, trying to meet in the middle, when it’s actually about understanding the deeper emotional needs behind desire.”
Having mismatched libidos won’t kill a relationship — in fact, it can be a much easier fix than you might think, especially if you’re both open to talking through the situation and coming up with a solution that works for both of you.
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We spoke to a handful of marriage and family therapists and relationship experts to understand exactly what to do when you and your partner have mismatched libidos, here’s what they had to say about why it might occur and the best action steps to take:
Why You Might Have Mismatched Libidos
Sometimes one partner just prefers being intimate more frequently than the other — but there are often underlying factors that make the situation feel a lot more mismatched than it actually is.
Here are a few reasons why you and your partner might be at different places that have nothing to do with your relationship or attraction to each other:
Pressure & Rejection
It’s easy for partners to fall into a routine that can snowball into something much bigger than it needs to be, says licensed clinical psychologist Ann Krajewski, which can make different desires in terms of frequency of sex seem like a problem to be solved.
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“In my practice, I’ve noticed that the partner with higher libido often develops a pattern of pursuing and feeling rejected, while the lower libido partner withdraws and feels pressured,” she explains. “This creates a cycle where both people end up feeling terrible about themselves. The high-libido partner starts questioning their worth, and the low-libido partner feels broken or inadequate.”
Stress & Inflammation
“What most people miss is the connection between chronic stress, inflammation, and libido,” says Jessie Eli, holistic healer at Dermal Era Holistic Med Spa. “When your nervous system is stuck in survival mode from daily stressors, sexual desire naturally decreases as a protective mechanism. I use trauma-informed bodywork to help clients regulate their nervous systems first.”
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The Urge for Emotional Connection
According to Schoen, the urge for emotional connection can often be confused for the urge for sexual intimacy.
“The breakthrough happens when we stop focusing on frequency and start exploring what intimacy means to each person,” she explains. “I had one couple where she felt rejected every time he said no, but once they understood that her advances were actually requests for emotional connection (not just sex), and his ‘no’ wasn’t personal rejection but genuine fatigue, everything shifted.”
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Hormone Imbalances
Libido can ebb and flow based on life circumstances, explains relationship expert and sociologist Emily Thompson, adding that it often has nothing to do with either partner’s actual desire for each other.
“Low libido can have its origins in hormonal imbalances (e.g., low testosterone or menopause), stress, lack of sleep, or antidepressant effects,” she says.
Anxiety or Loneliness
On the other hand, high libido can sometimes be an adaptive response to anxiety or loneliness.
“From my experience, couples who are willing to do some work with a therapist, even just for a few sessions, usually find that their incompatibility around sex drive is less biological and more about communication deficits, unprocessed resentment, or emotional incompatibilities,” Thompson notes.
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How to Make Mismatched Libidos Work
Mismatched libido doesn’t make or break a relationship if you’re willing to work on addressing the issue openly together rather than letting it build up and become bigger than it has to be.
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The following psychologist-approved tips will allow both of you to open up and feel safe enough to work on aligning your preferences when it comes to frequency of sex:
Schedule Intimacy
“One specific method I recommend is scheduling intimacy, yes, putting it on the calendar. It sounds sterile, but a number of couples have found it helpful because it does away with ambiguity,” says Thompson.
“One couple I recently worked with allocated Friday evenings for just intimate time alone together, not always for sex, but for physical and emotional intimacy,” she adds. “This made the higher-libidoed partner feel cherished and the lower-libidoed one less ambushed and burdened. The anticipation and expectation made the experience more consensual and enjoyable for both.”
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Work on “Non-Penetrative” Intimacy
“I also teach couples how to discover ‘non-penetrative’ ways of getting intimate when libidos are unequal,” explains Thompson, adding that the lower-libido partner may not desire to have sex but might be willing to cuddle in bed, give a massage, or simply appreciate loving touch.
“These activities build closeness and sometimes naturally escalate into more, but without coercing it,” she says. “A couple found success in using ‘intimacy coupons’ mutually agreed-upon options like ‘makeout session,’ ‘shower together,’ or ‘back rub’ to keep things light-hearted and consensual.”
Don’t Take It Personally or Keep Score
“What works is getting both partners to stop taking the mismatch personally,” explains Krajewski. “I encourage couples to have honest conversations about what sex means to each of them beyond just physical release.”
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“The breakthrough happens when couples create a plan that addresses both people’s core needs without keeping score,” adds Krajewski. “This might mean the higher-libido partner gets more nonsexual physical affection and quality time, while the lower-libido partner gets space and support with stressors that kill their drive. I’ve seen relationships transform when both people feel heard rather than judged.”
Understand Sexual Accelerators & Sexual Brakes
The most effective approach that Utkala Maringanti, LMFT associate, uses is helping partners understand their “sexual accelerators” versus “sexual brakes” — or what turns them on versus what kills their desire.
“I had one couple where the higher-libido partner would initiate right after stressful workdays, not realizing their partner needed emotional connection first,” she explains. “Once we mapped out these patterns, their satisfaction improved dramatically even though frequency only increased slightly.”
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Foster Emotional Safety
According to Maringanti, what works best is creating “desire-neutral” intimacy that doesn’t always lead to sex.
“I teach couples to build anticipation through non-sexual touch, meaningful conversations, and shared activities that foster emotional safety,” she says. “This removes performance pressure from the lower-libido partner while still meeting the higher-libido partner’s need for connection.”
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Differentiate Between Invitations, Requests, & Demands
“I teach couples the difference between invitations, requests, and demands,” says Schoen. “When the higher-libido partner approaches sex as an invitation — genuinely accepting ‘no’ without consequences — the lower-libido partner often becomes more open.”
But, she notes, “If there’s guilt-tripping or emotional withdrawal after rejection, it creates a cycle where the lower-libido partner feels trapped.”
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