Whether it was stimulating, witty banter or undeniable sexual chemistry or a natural alignment of tastes and values or some other equally magnificent thing that brought you together, this period often meant you were each mesmerized by each other, and excited for the relationship you were building.
As time presses forward, though, it’s incredibly common to find yourself mired in a distinctly less exciting relationship than the one you started out with. The new relationship energy that marked the early days has likely faded. The everyday, normal stressors of life can weigh on you. And if your twosome has become a family, your responsibilities to your kid(s) might have meant de-prioritizing the connection that once meant everything to you.
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The good news? Even the happiest, most stable and loyal of relationships will ebb and flow. The tough pill to swallow? You’ll still need to roll your sleeves up, bite your ego and build your patience to maintain a relationship that can stand the test of the ages.
Here, psychologists provide their best solutions for recharging your relationship with intrigue and enchantment:
Why Relationships Lose Their Luster
Novelty is a powerful thing. It can make new things seem cooler than they really are and old ones less interesting than they really are.
But it’s important not to let that dynamic come to define your relationship, especially when you feel yourself pulled in every direction except toward your partner — who likely misses your company. This can cause your chemistry to fizzle and your connection to feel lackluster and commonplace, at best.
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And if you’re supposed to be in love with someone — and sharing your life with them? That’s not exactly the descriptive language you’d choose to use.
“A relationship can be less interesting if one or both members of the couple do not put in enough time, attention, and/or affection, which can leave an effect of feeling unimportant, more impersonal, and disconnected from the other,” explains Los Angeles-based psychologist, Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D.
“In addition, a relationship can be less interesting if it is more routine and lacks some spontaneity and newness,” she adds. “If the relationship stops growing and broadening, the feelings of excitement, romance, and passion can decrease more and more over time.”
The Danger of Letting Things Grow Stale
One of the best benefits of a steady, long-term relationship is knowing that the person is there for you day in and day out. But that consistency comes with a price: Togetherness can’t feel as special when there’s so much of it.
But though it’s unreasonable to expect you’ll still be pushing one another against walls for hungry, intense sex every single night after a few years together, or that you’ll still be managing to get a romantic date in every other week, when you cease flirting with your partner entirely, other relationship woes will begin to fester.
As Thomas says, when your courting becomes boring and stagnant, it’s nearly inevitable that both parties will feel a growing dissatisfaction with one another.
Don’t worry, though — there are definitely ways to re-establish the spark if both you and your significant other are willing to acknowledge what’s happened and make a game plan for righting the ship.
However, in some cases, Thomas notes the drifting apart could be a signal that fate may not be on your side.
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“This can happen in a variety of ways,” she warns, “which include one or both partners outgrowing the other, getting interested in others emotionally and/or sexually, disconnecting and ultimately at times to the point of falling out of love with one’s partner, and/or living very separate lives.”
The Importance of Keeping a Spark
With all the people you’re definitely not compatible with in the world, finally discovering a partner you not only can tolerate, but adore, feels like winning the lottery. But over time, even the act of striking gold can become a feat you take for granted.
It’s not that you don’t still adore those many qualities that initially attracted you to someone, it’s that you don’t always zero in on those characteristics. As with anything that becomes expected and routine, the negatives can overshadow the positives of a situation.
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That’s why a shift in thinking — and in actions — is step number one. If for no other reason than to foster the good vibes that brought you glued together.
“Sometimes, if a relationship isn’t maintained at an interesting level, one or both of the significant others can, in turn, lose interest and even get to the point of being unable or unwilling to continue in the relationship,” Thomas says.
And, she adds, often people who feel unfulfilled in their relationships may feel the need to get flirtatious or sexual attention from someone other than their partner.
While poly and non-monogamous people may experience attraction to many people without it being an issue, if you’re monogamous, it could be akin to a crack appearing in the foundation of the relationship.
How to Keep a Relationship Interesting
Not sure where to begin to make your relationship more interesting — but know you want to begin, ASAP? Here, tips from relationship experts for carving out time for romancing your partner and igniting your spark, as well as services and products that go the extra mile to assist:
1. Share New Experiences
You might have ‘your song’ and ‘your place’ and ‘your TV show.’ All of those shared hobbies, habits and interests become rituals you equally treasure, but couples therapist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., says stepping up to the plate of a new challenge can help regain your trust in one another.
And maybe, reveal a novel reaction or feelings you haven’t experienced so far. You don’t have to go overboard with skydiving or spending a ton of money either; Schewitz notes it can be as simple as a reservation on the other side of town.
“Try a new restaurant, plan a vacation to somewhere neither of you have been, take a dancing class, go skydiving, do a sip and paint class — anything that breaks you out of your routine,” she suggests.
2. Ask Questions & Show Interest
Early into your relationship, you probably were filled with questions about your partner: What makes them tick? What makes them glow with happiness? What fulfills them? What do they hope for in the future?
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As you got to know this person, you might have developed new inquiries. But as months and then years pass by, when was the last time you truly dove into exactly what’s going on in their life? Likely, it’s been a while.
Thomas says one of the key ways you can provoke an interesting relationship is to, well, be interested in your partner — and not just for what they bring to your table, but what they bring to all of the tables in their life.
“Ask your partner how their day was and how they felt and be genuinely interested and engaged in your responses to what they’re saying,” she explains. “Show your interest in your significant other by doing things that mean something to them, such as picking up the dry cleaning or something at the market if you know they don’t have time.”
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Not only will this make your partner feel your love more clearly, it may have benefits for you, too, Thomas notes.
“People who feel their significant others are interested in them and their well-being often feel interested and concerned about their partner’s’ well-being, too,” she explains.
3. Go on Dates With Each Other
You’ve heard it before — and you’ll keep hearing it: without experiences that get you out of the home and a little out of your comfort zone, instances of that lovin’ feeling will be few and far between.
That’s why Thomas reiterates the importance of scheduling and maintaining a regular date night.
“Make it a point to keep the romance and passion alive and not taken for granted where it is forgotten and/or becomes a routine,” she says.
“Just make sure you are fully present during these experiences,” Thomas says — meaning no digital devices to distract you, “so that the true attention, focus, and emotion are there during these times.”
And, as much fun as it is to have a local joint where you’re a regular, going to the same place every time doesn’t count — this should be about novelty, not familiarity.
4. Reimagine Your Sex Life
Of course, cute dates are important, but when things first started out, you were likely hoping for a little action at the end. Why should it be any different now?
If your relationship’s in a bit of a rut, you’ve probably had the old-married-couple bedtime tango before: lights go out, you kiss a little, fall right into the position you know feels great for both of you, thrust it out — and you’re finished. Grand finale? More like “bland finale.”
But, remember when you first hooked up? If your relationship has become yawn-worthy, chances are high your sex life is teetering on the edge of apathy, too.
Schewitz explains the vast importance of connecting intimately with your partner, as a way to release tension, overcome arguments and utilize those post-sex hormones that entice closeness.
Unless you’re happily asexual, “Being intimate on a weekly basis is very important as a way to reconnect on more emotional and sexual levels,” Thomas says.
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Beyond just making somewhat regular sex a priority, consider having a discussion about the positions you want to try, the foreplay you feel is lacking or the ways in which you can better sexually satisfy one another.
It may feel uncomfortable to talk about sex so openly, but honest conversations about it are the foundation of a fun and mutually fulfilling sex life.
5. Surprise Your Partner
Surprise gestures, whether it’s a gift or doing something for them or planning a little experience for the two of you — are romantic as hell, and they’re not just for birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day.
Schewitz says the value of letting your partner know you were thinking of them, without a reason other than you love them, can speak volumes about your dedication to the love you share.
“Even just a sweet — or naughty — unexpected text throughout the day can be enough to fan the flames of excitement. Flowers, jewelry, chocolate, and romantic cards for no reason are always a great way to keep things interesting and keep both you and your partner engaged in the relationship,” she explains.
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