Str8Curious is a monthly AskMen column where out and proud lifestyle expert Joey Skladany answers burning questions from heterosexual men about sex, dating, and the LGBTQ+ community. No topic is off limits as he candidly lends advice, debunks stereotypes, and gives it to you straight — err — gay. Should you be interested in submitting a question for editorial consideration (and we will respect anonymity), feel free to ping Joey directly on Instagram or email him at joeyskladanywrites@gmail.com).
The Question
“I grew up a devout Catholic and still consider myself very religious. I am also gay. While I have learned to accept myself, I am finding it difficult to share this part of my life with other members of the community. Many gay men seem to be very judgmental when it comes to religion. And while I can completely understand their reasoning because it kept me closeted for so long, do you think I can still maintain a relationship with Christ without external judgment? Or maybe even find like-minded gay men?” – Jacob, Rock Hill, S.C.
The Answer
Peace be with you, Jacob! This is a tricky one and I completely empathize with your situation.
The sad reality is that Christianity and its many denominations have now been lumped under the general umbrella of evangelicalism, which believes in the literal truth of the Bible instead of interpreting it as metaphor.
As a result, these followers have (and often through hypocrisy and contradiction) rallied together to take firm stances against the LGBTQ+ community, stripping us of legal protections and using cherry-picked verses to defend and embolden discrimination and vitriol.
This obviously isn’t fair for Christians who have taken Jesus’s most basic and fundamental teachings of acceptance and loving thy neighbor.
The good news is that you’re certainly not alone. Many gay men grew up in loving homes where religion had a generally positive impact. Many gay men also grew up in households that used religion to weaponize their identity.
While some have shunned the church and its people, there are plenty of others who continue to value their relationship with God and have found places of worship where they are not only accepted but celebrated.
My first bit of advice is to do a simple online search and research faith-based organizations that welcome members from all walks of life. This may be more difficult in a small, conservative town but even venturing an hour or two outside of your city will be a fulfilling experience, if only for one day a week.
I’d also recommend using dating apps like Hinge where you can adjust the Virtues tab to reflect your religious beliefs. This will allow you to identify others who practice the same religion and vice versa, making it an excellent opportunity to meet like-minded queer neighbors for dates, friendships, or even text conversations to discuss shared experiences.
Unfortunately, Christianity is in desperate need of some Samantha Jones-style PR. Parishioner numbers are declining rapidly due to religion’s influence on current politics and its handful of outspoken church leaders who spread horrifying rhetoric around marginalized groups of people. As a result, there are going to be gay men who will not date you or even be friends with you by association.
Turn this into a glass half-full outlook by acknowledging that they’ve done the hard work for you: You’re saving yourself the time and effort you may have invested in someone who would be quick to dismiss you.
That said, please also show these men some grace and compassion. This rejection of religion and apparent close-mindedness may stem from years of trauma and unresolved issues. Many gay men cope by eliminating any and all ties to the establishment that caused this pain and suffering.
While it may seem extreme and even unfair for them to paint broad strokes and assume that every Christian is evil or wrong (or both), don’t take it personally — their judgment is not a reflection of who you are as an individual.
At the end of the day, you can and should be anything you want to be. Love Jesus, whether it’s Christ or the hot Mexican guy you met at the park. Life is short and unpredictable.
As long as you’re not on a crusade to strip others of their rights and freedoms, nobody should judge you for harmless beliefs. And if they do, that’s on them. Your tribe is out there and they’re ready to embrace you with open arms.
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Top Christian Dating Sites, RevealedBest Dating Apps for the LGBTQ+ CommunityHere’s How to Know If You’re Gay
The Question
“I grew up a devout Catholic and still consider myself very religious. I am also gay. While I have learned to accept myself, I am finding it difficult to share this part of my life with other members of the community. Many gay men seem to be very judgmental when it comes to religion. And while I can completely understand their reasoning because it kept me closeted for so long, do you think I can still maintain a relationship with Christ without external judgment? Or maybe even find like-minded gay men?” – Jacob, Rock Hill, S.C.
The Answer
Peace be with you, Jacob! This is a tricky one and I completely empathize with your situation.
The sad reality is that Christianity and its many denominations have now been lumped under the general umbrella of evangelicalism, which believes in the literal truth of the Bible instead of interpreting it as metaphor.
As a result, these followers have (and often through hypocrisy and contradiction) rallied together to take firm stances against the LGBTQ+ community, stripping us of legal protections and using cherry-picked verses to defend and embolden discrimination and vitriol.
This obviously isn’t fair for Christians who have taken Jesus’s most basic and fundamental teachings of acceptance and loving thy neighbor.
The good news is that you’re certainly not alone. Many gay men grew up in loving homes where religion had a generally positive impact. Many gay men also grew up in households that used religion to weaponize their identity.
While some have shunned the church and its people, there are plenty of others who continue to value their relationship with God and have found places of worship where they are not only accepted but celebrated.
My first bit of advice is to do a simple online search and research faith-based organizations that welcome members from all walks of life. This may be more difficult in a small, conservative town but even venturing an hour or two outside of your city will be a fulfilling experience, if only for one day a week.
I’d also recommend using dating apps like Hinge where you can adjust the Virtues tab to reflect your religious beliefs. This will allow you to identify others who practice the same religion and vice versa, making it an excellent opportunity to meet like-minded queer neighbors for dates, friendships, or even text conversations to discuss shared experiences.
Unfortunately, Christianity is in desperate need of some Samantha Jones-style PR. Parishioner numbers are declining rapidly due to religion’s influence on current politics and its handful of outspoken church leaders who spread horrifying rhetoric around marginalized groups of people. As a result, there are going to be gay men who will not date you or even be friends with you by association.
Turn this into a glass half-full outlook by acknowledging that they’ve done the hard work for you: You’re saving yourself the time and effort you may have invested in someone who would be quick to dismiss you.
That said, please also show these men some grace and compassion. This rejection of religion and apparent close-mindedness may stem from years of trauma and unresolved issues. Many gay men cope by eliminating any and all ties to the establishment that caused this pain and suffering.
While it may seem extreme and even unfair for them to paint broad strokes and assume that every Christian is evil or wrong (or both), don’t take it personally — their judgment is not a reflection of who you are as an individual.
At the end of the day, you can and should be anything you want to be. Love Jesus, whether it’s Christ or the hot Mexican guy you met at the park. Life is short and unpredictable.
As long as you’re not on a crusade to strip others of their rights and freedoms, nobody should judge you for harmless beliefs. And if they do, that’s on them. Your tribe is out there and they’re ready to embrace you with open arms.
You Might Also Dig:
Top Christian Dating Sites, RevealedBest Dating Apps for the LGBTQ+ CommunityHere’s How to Know If You’re Gay