Despite a positive shift in public perception and general acceptance, the world as a whole has not fully embraced those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community. And after many decades of what felt like slow but consistent progress, the 2020s have been a period of seeming backsliding when it comes to gay rights.
That said, despite the inevitable adversity, living life authentically can be liberating, especially for those who grew up in more oppressive households where homosexuality was perceived as wrong and even evil. It’s an opportunity to join in community with other people who’ve had similar life experiences and who have dealt with similar struggles.
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If you’re hoping to come out and haven’t found the support or resources to do so, read on for helpful tips and advice from three gay professionals who have helped countless people navigate this part of their lives.
Why Is Coming Out So Important?
Everyone has their own reason and timeline but the recurring theme is authenticity. Living life while feeling uncomfortable in your own skin can create the unnecessary burden of anxiety, confusion, and even hopelessness.
That said, it’s necessary to honor the ways and whys of coming out and how they may be unique to the individual.
“Coming out holds different levels of significance for each person,” says Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert for Grindr. “For many, it’s a crucial step to live authentically. For others, it might not be as central.”
“Pretending to be ‘straight’ all the time can be exhausting — emotionally draining and isolating, often feeling like living a double life,” he adds. “Being closeted can negatively impact mental health, leading to feelings of loneliness and anxiety.”
On the positive side, Zane notes, “coming out opens the door to finding community — meeting others who share your identity and interests, and who embrace and love you for who you are.”
When Should Someone Come Out?
Whether you’re a teenager or entering retirement, the proper timing of coming out will be completely dependent upon your own life journey. But one thing’s for certain: It should absolutely be on your own terms.
“Everyone has a different timetable,” stresses Michelangelo Signorile, host of SiriusXM’s The Michelangelo Signorile Show and author of Queer in America, Outing Yourself, and Life Outside. “The most important thing is to come out safely, having a reasonable idea that, if you are not an adult (for example), you will be safe in your home.”
“People also shouldn’t create roadblocks for themselves by constantly putting off the time,” he adds. “You’ll know when it’s right, as you meet other people like you, connect with them and feel better about yourself and more confident. Then it’s a question of plunging in.”
Adam D. Blum, licensed psychotherapist and founder/director of Gay Therapy Center, echoes these sentiments.
“When you start the work of loving yourself and begin to unhook from thousands of years of negative teachings about gay people, you will be in a better position to come out,” he says. “That self-confidence will support you if you experience rejection from people close to you.”
“You don’t have to work through all of your internalized homophobia before coming out,” Blum notes. “But having a gay friend or two and getting educated about the work of developing pride will make a difficult process so much easier.”
Do You Really Have to Come Out?
Despite societal pressure to live “out and proud,” this personal decision may not be in everyone’s best interest, at least in the short-term.
“Coming out is a deeply personal choice,” says Zane, citing fears of rejection, discrimination, loss of family and community, or an unsafe situation. “While many find that it leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life, it’s not mandatory. It’s perfectly OK to keep your sexuality private if that’s what feels right for you.”
Signorile and Blum, on the other hand, feel as if coming out is essential to the human experience and that it would be a disservice to yourself and others to remain closeted.
“If you want to live authentically, not constantly covering, leading a double life, letting it rip your self-esteem, putting yourself below other people — then yes, you must come out,” advises Signorile.
Blum, who emphasizes our innate desire to have fulfilling connections with other humans, adds that being gay is also so much more than what you do in the bedroom.
“It is also about what you do on the weekend, what TV shows you watch, what movie stars you like, or whom you voted for,” he says.“In short, it impacts what people talk about every day, and how they connect to the world around them.”
Of course, safety is paramount. If you’re anxious that coming out in your current living situation may lead to physical or mental harm, it’s OK to wait — or to share the information only with a small number of trusted people, and ask them to keep it a secret for the time being.
While you’re figuring out the best context for being open, there are resources you can check out courtesy of organizations like The Trevor Project specifically for people in more vulnerable positions and environments.
Coming Out in Person vs. Social Media
Younger people, who have the added pressure of linking their sexuality to public social media personas, may feel more comfortable coming out digitally to strangers than to those in their inner circle.
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“Coming out on social media can feel ‘safer’ because it provides a buffer — you’re not facing someone’s immediate reaction and can take your time crafting your message,” explains Zane. “However, depending on your relationships, it’s often considerate to come out in person first, especially to close family or friends, before sharing publicly.”
Not only will this mean that those closest to you won’t feel blindsided by the news, they’ll also have the opportunity to show you how much they care about you in a much more close and powerful way than simply a like or a comment, Signorile notes.
Being Gay in a Professional Environment
An unfortunate reality for many queer people is that their sexuality is not only acknowledged or protected in the workplace, but could be legal grounds for termination. Those who love their jobs may opt to remain closeted out of fear of unfair retribution.
“You can choose to be out to friends and social circles but keep your professional life private,” reminds Zane. “Boundaries around your personal life are valid, especially at work, where your focus should be on your job. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about your identity unless you want to share.”
Blum, however, argues that a “tiny piece of you dies” when you tend to avoid or deflect common questions from people you like at work.
“This can lead to light depression,” he says. “Each time we hide, we are telling ourselves that we are not quite as good as the presumably straight person we are talking to. Your life will not be as bright if you don’t come out at work.”
As with many factors of coming out, you’ll have to weigh the potential positives and negatives of your specific situation. If a current job isn’t one you feel comfortable coming out at, that could be a sign that the role, organization or even career path isn’t a good fit for you in the long term.
Negative Responses to Coming Out
Perhaps the most common reason to avoid coming out is the reaction from those we love most. In an ideal world, family, friends, and colleagues will support and love you unconditionally, no matter your sexuality or gender identity.
Unfortunately, that’s often not the case — and initial reactions of confusion or dismissal may feel as hurtful as hateful or bigoted ones.
“If you care about a person, it’s important to remember that they may need some time to get used to the new information about you,” says Blum. “After all, it probably took you some time to accept that information about you.”
“Remember that it is their journey to learn the truth that gay people are equal to all other people,” he adds. “You do not have to be a guide for them as they examine their own fear. If they are not motivated to fix the problem, then their problem won’t go away.”
“If they can’t get over it, you have to move on,” says Signorile. “For all the people who won’t accept you, many more will embrace you, both old friends and family, and many new people who you will meet. Your life will be greatly enriched and you’ll be surrounded by people who know you for who you are.”
“It’s sad and can be immensely so, particularly if it’s someone who was close. Still, allow them some time to adjust,” he adds. “Often, people really do challenge themselves when confronted with someone in their life who is queer — and you’d be surprised at the minds you change just by being you.”
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