You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Every text was flirty, every conversation lasted hours, and you’d rather spend Friday night on their couch than anywhere else in the world.
The early stages of many romantic relationships are known as the ‘honeymoon phase’; for the first few months or years there’s often a heightened sense of romance, sexual intensity and playfulness.
However, it’s typical for things to shift over time as real-life issues crop up and the fresh aspect of the relationship is slowly replaced by a familiarity.
Fast forward a few years, and suddenly you’re living together but feeling like strangers. You don’t feel a passionate intensity, and maybe they don’t either. You’re having sex less often than you used to, and while saying “I love you” may come easily, romantic moments may be fewer and further between.
This is known as “roommate syndrome.”
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If this sounds familiar, don’t panic. You’re not alone, and more importantly, you’re not doomed. Here’s what you should know about it:
What Exactly Is Roommate Syndrome?
Roommate syndrome (also known as housemate syndrome) is when couples gradually drift into living more like platonic roommates rather than romantic partners, says Mindy DeSeta, Ph.D., relationship and sex expert for the Hily dating app.
“Essentially, you’re sharing a space and going through the daily motions of life together, but the romance and sexual desire have faded or disappeared entirely,” she explains.
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In other words, you’ve stopped dating your own partner. You’ve gotten so comfortable that you’ve forgotten what made you chase them in the first place.
It sounds depressing, but here’s the thing: It’s incredibly common. DeSeta sees it constantly in her practice, especially with long-term couples. “I regularly work with couples married 30-plus years who feel like roommates,” she says. “The shocking part is they have no idea when this transition started or how to bring the desire back.”
How Does Roommate Syndrome Happen?
Roommate syndrome gradually happens over time as couples get caught up in the practical aspects of life together, says DeSeta.
Between work stress, parenting, routine, and financial pressures, long-term couples can fall into what DeSeta calls “daily survival mode.” And when that occurs, the romantic elements of the relationship slowly slip away and become deprioritized.
This initial transition can be hard to pinpoint because there’s usually no conflict or disagreement at the beginning that sparks it.
“Many couples don’t even realize that their romance is fading until they wake up one day feeling more like business partners than romantic partners,” says DeSeta. “Once the immediate stresses are resolved, couples often find themselves in shock and confused on how they slid into roommate syndrome.”
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Is this happening to you? Some signs that point to roommate syndrome include:
Only Ever Talking About Your Daily Routines
Think about your recent conversations with your significant other. Do they mostly revolve around bills, chores, school pickups, and weekend schedules, as opposed to asking about your day and how you’re feeling?
If it’s just “here’s what happened” instead of “here’s how it made me feel,” that could be an issue.
“When most of your interactions center around managing daily life rather than connecting emotionally, you’re likely sliding into roommate territory,” says DeSeta.
A Lack of Physical Touch
We’re not just talking about sex here (though that’s part of it, and for many relationships, a big one).
Besides sex, though, loving physical touch, even as simple as a hand hold or a hug, is essential to keeping intimacy alive, says DeSeta. If you suddenly realize it’s been several days since you and your partner have had a touching moment, then you may slipping into roommate territory.
That being said, lots of people with healthy amounts of physical affection in their relationships may still feel despair and/or frustration if that touch is more platonically intimate than sexually charged.
A Lack of Eye Contact
Eye contact in and of itself isn’t necessarily what you need — but it’s an easy marker for whether you’re being genuinely present with each other.
Pay attention next time you’re talking. Are you both on your phones? Looking at the TV? If you’re having conversations without actually looking at each other, you’re already emotionally checking out.
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“When partners begin looking away, checking phones, or focusing elsewhere while talking, it often signals emotional avoidance,” says DeSeta. “[It’s] a slippery slope that can quickly lead to feeling like strangers sharing the same space.”
How to Bring the Spark Back
As mentioned earlier, roommate syndrome doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. What it does signal, according to DeSeta, is that a couple has stopped learning and earning from one another.
“Life became busy and they forgot to ask the extremely important questions such as, ‘How was your day?’ or just putting their phones down and spending quality time with one another.”
So how does one get the spark back? First, ask your partner out on a date, suggests DeSeta. “Think back to how you first began the courting process. What effort did you put in? What made those early dates special? It’s time to bring that same intentionality to your relationship today.”
Get dressed up, pick a favorite restaurant (or maybe even your first date spot) and have some one-on-one time sans phones. Approach your partner with the same curiosity and attention you had when you were first getting to know them, says DeSeta.
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“Remember, you’re both different people than you were at the beginning, so there’s genuinely new territory to explore,” she says.
DeSeta also recommends something simple but powerful: spend 20 minutes a day giving each other your full attention: “This doesn’t require expensive dinner reservations or elaborate plans,” she says. “It just needs your full presence.”
Put the devices away. If you have kids, arrange childcare or wait until they’re asleep. Focus entirely on reconnecting with who your partner is today. Not who they were when you met, but who they are right now.
As you date your partner again, here’s a friendly reminder: you’re not going to feel those exact same butterflies from when you first started dating and everything was new. That’s not failure — that’s maturity. You’ve both grown and changed, and so has your relationship.
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Instead of trying to recreate the past, focus on building something new.
“Rather than chasing something from the past,” DeSeta advises, “focus on creating something entirely new and potentially even more meaningful.”
What If the Spark Doesn’t Come Back?
You and your partner have been making the conscious effort to get to know each other, but the romantic feelings are not there. It’s sad, but it happens.
“Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, couples discover they’ve transitioned from being ‘in love’ to simply loving each other as friends.”
“This awareness, while painful, can actually be a gift,” DeSeta notes. “Recognizing this shift honestly allows both people to make conscious choices about their future rather than remaining in limbo.”
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This doesn’t mean your relationship was meaningless or that you failed.
Despite many cultural ideas about romantic relationships expecting them to last until death, if you’re no longer right for each other, it’s better to acknowledge that, be grateful for the good times you had and move on than desperately cling to something from your past.
Sometimes people grow in different directions, and that’s OK, too.
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