Your date starts to tell you about their childhood trauma and unpacking their last breakup in detail. You nod politely but aren’t sure what to do. The truth is, you feel overwhelmed and a little uncomfortable. That’s because you were just on the receiving end of floodlighting.
RELATED: 7 Lies Pop Culture Taught Us About Love & Romance
What Is Floodlighting In Dating?
What is floodlighting? The dating term has been making the rounds on TikTok, but it’s just a new way of talking about an age-old dating pattern: sharing too much, too soon. The issue? Personal revelations are used to fast-track intimacy instead of letting it evolve naturally.
Floodlighting can include revealing traumas, disclosing deep insecurities or sharing intensely personal stories in the very early stages of the relationship. Not everyone who overshares has bad intentions; some people are simply nervous, unaware or eager to connect. But when it’s done to speed up the pace of the relationship, it’s floodlighting.
“They think that if they overshare, the other person will feel compelled to share,” says Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist and the host of Mind Matters with Dr. Michele.
Healthy Vulnerability vs. Emotional Oversharing
On the surface, people who floodlight may appear to be open and vulnerable. It may seem authentic, yet something is off. That’s because real vulnerability is mutual and established progressively, not one-sided or forced. And it fosters genuine connection. But floodlighting can leave you feeling pressured or cornered.
“Healthy vulnerability feels organic, not like an interview process or interrogation,” says Leno. It unfolds progressively. There’s a back-and-forth rhythm to it. You feel safe enough to share something deeper, they meet you there, and more trust is established, allowing you to keep exploring the connection at a pace that feels right.
“In healthy vulnerability, the stage has been set over time, for both people to share. Trust has developed,” says psychiatrist and author Mark Banschick, MD. On the other hand, emotional oversharing – the basis of floodlighting – skips all of that. There’s no foundation or shared context. There’s just a flood of personal information or emotion that doesn’t match where the relationship actually is.
Why People Floodlight on Dates
You now understand why floodlighting is problematic – even manipulative. But the truth is, the motivation behind this kind of behavior is often layered. People floodlight for a variety of reasons, some of which are unconscious.RELATED: How Asking Questions Is a True Dating Hack
It doesn’t mean that it’s OK, but it does mean it’s worth understanding what’s really going on beneath the surface, especially if you tend to overshare or if you’re trying to discern whether to keep seeing someone.
According to Banschick, there are three reasons people engage in floodlighting:
Anxiety or lowered self-control: When someone feels nervous or has had a bit too much to drink, they can start to blurt things out. “Your date is anxious and the normal mechanism of […] self-control is loosened,” says Banschick. In this case, floodlighting is more about self-soothing than manipulation. Banschick’s advice? Stay grounded, recognize that this might just be someone making a mistake, and, if needed, say something like: “I really appreciate what you’re saying, but you’re sharing a little too much a little too soon, at least for me. I think we should get to know each other first.”A need for “asymmetry”: Sometimes, oversharing is used to create imbalance in the relationship, which Banschick describes as “asymmetry.” They share too much in order to intrude on your boundaries. “It’s largely unconscious, but it’s an effort in control,” adds Banschick. The idea is that by disclosing a lot upfront, you will feel like you owe them reciprocity. You might even feel pressured to take care of them. This situation is a red flag. Proceed with caution, as it can quickly shift the emotional labor of the relationship onto you before you’ve even decided if you want to be invested.Social blind spots: Not everyone has the same level of emotional awareness. Some people simply don’t pick up on how much is too much, or when certain topics are better saved for later. “There’s no wish for control. And no serious anxiety. They’re just not sure how to proceed.” In these cases, floodlighting isn’t about manipulation, and a gentle shift in the conversation can often help get things back on track.
RELATED: Common Mistakes Men Make in the First Few Dates
How to Avoid Floodlighting (& What to Do If It Happens)
If reading this makes you look back on a recent date and suspect that you were floodlighted, don’t brush it off. Tune into your feelings, which can be a good indicator of whether the emotional pace felt mutual or not. If you felt uncomfortable, it’s an insight – and a sign that you were potentially floodlighted.
RELATED: Why People Play ‘Mind Games’ in Relationships, Revealed
So, how do you avoid that kind of situation? And what do you do next? According to Leno, the best response is a direct one: “If you believe that someone is floodlighting, it is best to directly express your concerns. Let them know that you feel overwhelmed and less inclined to share.” Being honest might improve things, especially when dealing with an oversharer who doesn’t realize that they’re oversharing. But if they dismiss your concerns or ignore your boundaries, it might be time to take a step back. You don’t owe anyone instant vulnerability.
What If You’re the One Floodlighting Others?
It’s also important to know if you’re the one accidentally floodlighting others. Walking away from a date feeling worried that you overshared can happen, especially if you were nervous or really hoping to connect. Don’t beat yourself up, but stay aware. If you’re unsure, you can even check in with your date afterward and ask them if the level of sharing felt comfortable to them. It signals emotional awareness and maturity.
In the future, Leno suggests allowing personal details to naturally be revealed. “If there is something that you absolutely need to immediately disclose to alleviate anxiety, do so, and give the other person an opportunity to process the information.” Let them ask questions before piling on more intimate details.
And if you have a tendency to overshare, it’s a good idea to stay sober, says Banschick, as drinking can affect your judgement. “You need to stay centered. And from that place, you can assess how much to share, and how much not to share,” adds Banschick.
Building intimacy isn’t a race – it’s more of a dance. Whether you’ve been on the receiving end of floodlighting or inadvertently did it to someone else, stay aware of the emotional tone of the moment. You’ll be able to slow things down as needed and focus on what actually builds connection: mutual trust, authenticity and steady pacing.
You Might Also Dig:
Unconventional Ways to Build & Maintain Relationship IntimacyCommon Relationship Mistakes Not to MakeDating Slang Terms You Need to Know