Welcome to AskFemme, our new sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex.
The Question:
My girlfriend is really pushy about having sex. I feel like if genders were reversed, this wouldn’t be OK. How should I handle this? – Brandon, 38, New York
The Answer:
You’re absolutely right. If the genders were reversed, it wouldn’t be OK. And if this feels wrong to you, then it’s not OK, either.
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Despite living in a time where we’re asked to think beyond gender, and bodies, cis men aren’t really included in this conversation. It’s because of privilege, of course, and thousands of years of patriarchy, but you’re still a human, and that means that consent applies to you, too. Not just consent. Enthusiastic consent. If you’re being pushed into something, that’s not enthusiastic at all.
First things first. You need to communicate with your girlfriend. Talk about this, and do so ASAP. Why is she being so pushy? The simplest answer is that she’s horny. Maybe you two have mismatched libidos. If that’s the case, you have some options.
The first is that you compromise. Perhaps you agree to have sex more often than you’ve been having, and she agrees to back off a little bit.
If you genuinely do want to raise your sex drive, as part of your compromise or otherwise, there are ways to make that happen. Eat right, exercise, and go easy on the booze, for starters. Read erotica. Watch porn before she comes over but without jerking off.
You might also want to do a little soul searching. Has your libido always been lower than hers? Or did anything change? Work stress, or something else? Take care of yourself. If you honor your own emotional needs, the sex drive should follow, whether that’s higher than hers, equal to hers, or lower to hers, but higher than it is currently.
RELATED: How to Talk About Consent With a Partner (With Examples)
So long as it’s not something’s happening for physical or mental health reasons you haven’t addressed, all sex drives are good sex drives.
But also, if it’s a compromise, that means that she has to change, too. Boundaries are real; boundaries are important; and you’re going to have to start using them, as uncomfortable as it may be. She’s not allowed to push you into something you don’t want, and if she won’t stop, then you’re going to have to think about walking away.
If she’s truly too horny to function, and you’re just not there, you can get her a sex toy or two, and tell her to chill. Or, the extreme option — open up the relationship.
However, it might not just be down to horniness. Another reason your girlfriend might be being pushy about sex is that she sees physical intimacy differently than you do. Maybe she sees it as a necessary part of a healthy romantic relationship and feels rejected, devalued or worthless if you’re not sleeping together.
Being insanely horny is one thing, but if she’s pushing your boundaries about it, she might be operating from a place of insecurity and trying to follow a script, rather than reacting to the actual situation in front of her.
RELATED: Lies Pop Culture Taught Us About Love & Romance
If that’s the case, you’ll want to have serious conversations with her about your needs and boundaries, and try to help her understand that a lack of sex (or less of it than she expects) isn’t a sign that you don’t love her or aren’t attracted to her.
It might not sound fun, but couples therapy with a sex therapist could be a good option for helping the two of you navigate this potentially scary conversation (which should really be a series of conversations).
Which leads me to the inevitable. Regardless of the reason, if sex occupies a significantly different place in each of your lives, there’s a chance that this relationship isn’t right for either of you.
You can make a mismatched libido work, of course. Couples do it everyday. Especially since libidos shift and change over time. Major life events, like having kids, for instance, can dramatically change one’s sex drive, and the honorable thing to do is adjust, and make it work.
But if she’s missing it badly enough to start acting “pushy” about it, your sex drives (and sexual expectations) might be different enough to warrant moving on.
RELATED: Things You Should Try Before Breaking Up Over the Sex
As you said, if the genders were reversed, this would look bad, and that’s not because men are evil, it’s because we have a clearer cultural script for a man pushing past his female partner’s physical boundaries than the reverse.
But ignoring your partner’s wants and needs is pretty shitty, and if it’s not something that you can talk through with her, then, well, you can definitely do better.
You Might Also Dig:
The Meaning of Consent and The Different Types That Exist How We Teach Consent to Young Boys How to Know If Your Consent Has Been Violated
The Question:
My girlfriend is really pushy about having sex. I feel like if genders were reversed, this wouldn’t be OK. How should I handle this? – Brandon, 38, New York
The Answer:
You’re absolutely right. If the genders were reversed, it wouldn’t be OK. And if this feels wrong to you, then it’s not OK, either.
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Despite living in a time where we’re asked to think beyond gender, and bodies, cis men aren’t really included in this conversation. It’s because of privilege, of course, and thousands of years of patriarchy, but you’re still a human, and that means that consent applies to you, too. Not just consent. Enthusiastic consent. If you’re being pushed into something, that’s not enthusiastic at all.
First things first. You need to communicate with your girlfriend. Talk about this, and do so ASAP. Why is she being so pushy? The simplest answer is that she’s horny. Maybe you two have mismatched libidos. If that’s the case, you have some options.
The first is that you compromise. Perhaps you agree to have sex more often than you’ve been having, and she agrees to back off a little bit.
If you genuinely do want to raise your sex drive, as part of your compromise or otherwise, there are ways to make that happen. Eat right, exercise, and go easy on the booze, for starters. Read erotica. Watch porn before she comes over but without jerking off.
You might also want to do a little soul searching. Has your libido always been lower than hers? Or did anything change? Work stress, or something else? Take care of yourself. If you honor your own emotional needs, the sex drive should follow, whether that’s higher than hers, equal to hers, or lower to hers, but higher than it is currently.
RELATED: How to Talk About Consent With a Partner (With Examples)
So long as it’s not something’s happening for physical or mental health reasons you haven’t addressed, all sex drives are good sex drives.
But also, if it’s a compromise, that means that she has to change, too. Boundaries are real; boundaries are important; and you’re going to have to start using them, as uncomfortable as it may be. She’s not allowed to push you into something you don’t want, and if she won’t stop, then you’re going to have to think about walking away.
If she’s truly too horny to function, and you’re just not there, you can get her a sex toy or two, and tell her to chill. Or, the extreme option — open up the relationship.
However, it might not just be down to horniness. Another reason your girlfriend might be being pushy about sex is that she sees physical intimacy differently than you do. Maybe she sees it as a necessary part of a healthy romantic relationship and feels rejected, devalued or worthless if you’re not sleeping together.
Being insanely horny is one thing, but if she’s pushing your boundaries about it, she might be operating from a place of insecurity and trying to follow a script, rather than reacting to the actual situation in front of her.
RELATED: Lies Pop Culture Taught Us About Love & Romance
If that’s the case, you’ll want to have serious conversations with her about your needs and boundaries, and try to help her understand that a lack of sex (or less of it than she expects) isn’t a sign that you don’t love her or aren’t attracted to her.
It might not sound fun, but couples therapy with a sex therapist could be a good option for helping the two of you navigate this potentially scary conversation (which should really be a series of conversations).
Which leads me to the inevitable. Regardless of the reason, if sex occupies a significantly different place in each of your lives, there’s a chance that this relationship isn’t right for either of you.
You can make a mismatched libido work, of course. Couples do it everyday. Especially since libidos shift and change over time. Major life events, like having kids, for instance, can dramatically change one’s sex drive, and the honorable thing to do is adjust, and make it work.
But if she’s missing it badly enough to start acting “pushy” about it, your sex drives (and sexual expectations) might be different enough to warrant moving on.
RELATED: Things You Should Try Before Breaking Up Over the Sex
As you said, if the genders were reversed, this would look bad, and that’s not because men are evil, it’s because we have a clearer cultural script for a man pushing past his female partner’s physical boundaries than the reverse.
But ignoring your partner’s wants and needs is pretty shitty, and if it’s not something that you can talk through with her, then, well, you can definitely do better.
You Might Also Dig:
The Meaning of Consent and The Different Types That Exist How We Teach Consent to Young Boys How to Know If Your Consent Has Been Violated