Maybe you just got out of a long-term relationship and you’re getting ready to date again, but cautiously. Or you’re sick of swiping and going on one first date after the other without any real momentum. Regardless of the specifics, if you’re currently contemplating the state of your love life and feeling like something has to change, it’s the perfect time to conduct a dating audit.
What’s a dating audit? It’s an honest assessment of your dating life – you check in with yourself and gain insights about what you want, what’s working, what’s not, and, most importantly, what to do differently moving forward.
“A lot of people are dating purely on instinct, most have never paused to think about how they’re doing it and what their end goals are,” says Ed Bell, founder and CEO at Better Gay Dating. “Taking some time to reflect can really help people date more intentionally and strategically, and dramatically increase the chances of getting what they want.”
You might realize that the way you currently approach dating isn’t actually serving you. Even though it can be hard to accept, it’s also an opportunity. “A dating audit allows you to make sure that the way you are navigating dating is aligned with your goals for connection. With greater awareness, [you can] break unwanted cycles and stop repeating past mistakes. This clarity can also help boost your confidence in choosing whether to pursue or end a connection,” says Tara Gogolinski, LMFT and founder of Rising Tides Therapy Center.
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Ready to conduct your own dating audit? Here are eight impactful questions to ask yourself to guide the process, according to dating and relationship experts.
1. What Am I Truly Looking For?
Whether you’re only interested in hook-ups, would love to meet a life partner or are curious about polyamory, take the time to explore your true desires. Imagine what would feel fulfilling, not what you think you should want. “In an era of way too many choices on apps, getting crystal clear on our wants and needs makes it much easier to build with the right partner when they come along,” says Bell.
2. Am I Dating in the Right Spaces to Find That?
“Once someone’s figured out what they want, it’s worth getting honest about whether you’re pursuing an intentional path to meet the right people for you, not just the easiest path (often the apps). There are lots of great in-person social spaces and events that can often lead to more aligned connections,” adds Bell.
For example, if you’re hoping to meet someone to start a family yet spend most of your energy swiping right in an attempt to play a numbers game, that approach might not be serving you. You might have better luck in more naturally filtered environments, like a running club, a speed dating event or a specialized dating app.
3. Have My Behaviors Been Leading to My Relationship Goal?
Once you’ve identified what you want and where you’re meeting people, it’s time to get honest with yourself. Are your current choices truly aligned with your goals? The answer to this question might lead you to end a situationship or even call someone back for another date.
“For example, if a young man isn’t ready for a serious relationship, has he been honest about that with women who are looking for a long-term relationship?” asks Dr. Wendy Walsh, psychology professor and relationship expert at DatingAdvice. “On the other hand, if he’s looking for a long-term relationship and is ready to settle down, why is he hanging out with women who may be highly physically attractive, but don’t have compatible values or are not [ready for a relationship]?”
4. How Am I Showing up on Dates?
Unpacking the way you show up on dates can be helpful too, as it’s easy to have blind spots that might be preventing you from moving past the first date or from turning an initial spark into something more.
Bell suggests asking yourself follow-up questions like, “Am I creating a shared space for us to get to know each other?” and “Am I asking interesting and meaningful questions or just hoping vibes and physical attraction lead to a connection?” The answers can be revealing and transform the way you interact. “We build great relationships, we don’t just find them,” says Bell.
5. How Much Vulnerability Do I Bring to the Dating Process?
Asking questions that foster connection is one thing. But how do you answer them? Do you open up about your true thoughts and feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable? Or do you tend to clam up and stay stoic? Men are often conditioned to do the latter, but it can sabotage their love life, as vulnerability is necessary to cultivate emotional intimacy. As Bell puts it, “it’s often when we meaningfully let down our guard that deeper connection really begins.”
6. Are There Emotional Skills I Can Work on to Be in a Healthy Relationship?
If you struggle having conversations about feelings, it’s worth pinpointing what’s blocking you and working on it. “Some men may not even be aware of their feelings,” says Walsh. “Others may have insight, but simply don’t have the emotional vocabulary to describe what they’re feeling. These skills can be learned with the help of a therapist – and they’re crucial to sustaining a healthy relationship down the road.
7. What Qualities Am I Looking for in a Potential Partner to Feel Seen, Heard, and Understood?
While there’s value in assessing your own goals, feelings and behaviors, it’s also important to ask yourself questions about the kind of partner you’re hoping to meet. Many people make the mistake of having a surface-level checklist – age, body type and shared interests, for example. But those things don’t necessarily translate into compatibility. “This question allows you to explore your needs and get grounded in what makes you feel emotionally safe in a relationship,” says Gogolinski.
8. What Are Patterns I Notice in Partners That Have Not Been a Good Fit?
Revisiting the past is sometimes necessary to create a better romantic future. Gogolinski suggests this question to look for commonalities in the people you’ve dated. For example, maybe you’ve been with more than one person who constantly criticized you, or you’ve always been attracted to women who are hot and cold with you. Or, on the flipside, maybe you’ve always appreciated how open-minded one of your exes was, and that quality has stuck with you. Having these types of “aha” moments can give you more clarity about what to look for (or look out for) moving forward.
Taking the time to properly reflect on these questions can sometimes feel daunting, but it can transform your love life. It’s too easy to date on autopilot. When you assess the state of things with honesty and curiosity, you can unlock a whole new experience of dating – one that’s more aware, intentional and aligned with what you actually want.
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How to Use Tinder for Hooking UpWhat Is Monkey-Branching?Signs She’s Not Interested in You
What’s a dating audit? It’s an honest assessment of your dating life – you check in with yourself and gain insights about what you want, what’s working, what’s not, and, most importantly, what to do differently moving forward.
“A lot of people are dating purely on instinct, most have never paused to think about how they’re doing it and what their end goals are,” says Ed Bell, founder and CEO at Better Gay Dating. “Taking some time to reflect can really help people date more intentionally and strategically, and dramatically increase the chances of getting what they want.”
You might realize that the way you currently approach dating isn’t actually serving you. Even though it can be hard to accept, it’s also an opportunity. “A dating audit allows you to make sure that the way you are navigating dating is aligned with your goals for connection. With greater awareness, [you can] break unwanted cycles and stop repeating past mistakes. This clarity can also help boost your confidence in choosing whether to pursue or end a connection,” says Tara Gogolinski, LMFT and founder of Rising Tides Therapy Center.
RELATED: Best Dating Apps for Hooking Up
Ready to conduct your own dating audit? Here are eight impactful questions to ask yourself to guide the process, according to dating and relationship experts.
1. What Am I Truly Looking For?
Whether you’re only interested in hook-ups, would love to meet a life partner or are curious about polyamory, take the time to explore your true desires. Imagine what would feel fulfilling, not what you think you should want. “In an era of way too many choices on apps, getting crystal clear on our wants and needs makes it much easier to build with the right partner when they come along,” says Bell.
2. Am I Dating in the Right Spaces to Find That?
“Once someone’s figured out what they want, it’s worth getting honest about whether you’re pursuing an intentional path to meet the right people for you, not just the easiest path (often the apps). There are lots of great in-person social spaces and events that can often lead to more aligned connections,” adds Bell.
For example, if you’re hoping to meet someone to start a family yet spend most of your energy swiping right in an attempt to play a numbers game, that approach might not be serving you. You might have better luck in more naturally filtered environments, like a running club, a speed dating event or a specialized dating app.
3. Have My Behaviors Been Leading to My Relationship Goal?
Once you’ve identified what you want and where you’re meeting people, it’s time to get honest with yourself. Are your current choices truly aligned with your goals? The answer to this question might lead you to end a situationship or even call someone back for another date.
“For example, if a young man isn’t ready for a serious relationship, has he been honest about that with women who are looking for a long-term relationship?” asks Dr. Wendy Walsh, psychology professor and relationship expert at DatingAdvice. “On the other hand, if he’s looking for a long-term relationship and is ready to settle down, why is he hanging out with women who may be highly physically attractive, but don’t have compatible values or are not [ready for a relationship]?”
4. How Am I Showing up on Dates?
Unpacking the way you show up on dates can be helpful too, as it’s easy to have blind spots that might be preventing you from moving past the first date or from turning an initial spark into something more.
Bell suggests asking yourself follow-up questions like, “Am I creating a shared space for us to get to know each other?” and “Am I asking interesting and meaningful questions or just hoping vibes and physical attraction lead to a connection?” The answers can be revealing and transform the way you interact. “We build great relationships, we don’t just find them,” says Bell.
5. How Much Vulnerability Do I Bring to the Dating Process?
Asking questions that foster connection is one thing. But how do you answer them? Do you open up about your true thoughts and feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable? Or do you tend to clam up and stay stoic? Men are often conditioned to do the latter, but it can sabotage their love life, as vulnerability is necessary to cultivate emotional intimacy. As Bell puts it, “it’s often when we meaningfully let down our guard that deeper connection really begins.”
6. Are There Emotional Skills I Can Work on to Be in a Healthy Relationship?
If you struggle having conversations about feelings, it’s worth pinpointing what’s blocking you and working on it. “Some men may not even be aware of their feelings,” says Walsh. “Others may have insight, but simply don’t have the emotional vocabulary to describe what they’re feeling. These skills can be learned with the help of a therapist – and they’re crucial to sustaining a healthy relationship down the road.
7. What Qualities Am I Looking for in a Potential Partner to Feel Seen, Heard, and Understood?
While there’s value in assessing your own goals, feelings and behaviors, it’s also important to ask yourself questions about the kind of partner you’re hoping to meet. Many people make the mistake of having a surface-level checklist – age, body type and shared interests, for example. But those things don’t necessarily translate into compatibility. “This question allows you to explore your needs and get grounded in what makes you feel emotionally safe in a relationship,” says Gogolinski.
8. What Are Patterns I Notice in Partners That Have Not Been a Good Fit?
Revisiting the past is sometimes necessary to create a better romantic future. Gogolinski suggests this question to look for commonalities in the people you’ve dated. For example, maybe you’ve been with more than one person who constantly criticized you, or you’ve always been attracted to women who are hot and cold with you. Or, on the flipside, maybe you’ve always appreciated how open-minded one of your exes was, and that quality has stuck with you. Having these types of “aha” moments can give you more clarity about what to look for (or look out for) moving forward.
Taking the time to properly reflect on these questions can sometimes feel daunting, but it can transform your love life. It’s too easy to date on autopilot. When you assess the state of things with honesty and curiosity, you can unlock a whole new experience of dating – one that’s more aware, intentional and aligned with what you actually want.
You Might Also Dig:
How to Use Tinder for Hooking UpWhat Is Monkey-Branching?Signs She’s Not Interested in You