Welcome to AskMen’s latest column, Dating Coach, a monthly exploration of the difficulties guys face when it comes to modern dating. We’ve got a real, actual dating coach in Connell Barrett walking guys like you through everything from the most basic of the basics to the most pro of the pro tips.
The Question
Things were going great with a woman I was seeing, but last week she ended it. She told me she’s not looking to date right now. A couple days later I was up late on Instagram and saw that she’s back with her ex, who had cheated on her. I DM’d her for answers, and she said, “You’re just too nice.” I feel crushed and confused! Am I supposed to treat people badly? Do women even want good guys?
— Frustrated in Phoenix
The Answer
Instagram should come with a warning label: “Danger! Scrolling at 3 a.m. may make you question your romantic worth.”
That must have hurt, Frustrated. You feel played, replaced, and you’re wondering what you did wrong.
RELATED: Common Mistakes Men Make in the First Few Dates
Odds are, she didn’t reject you for being nice. She rejected you because you were afraid to be anything besides nice. It’s like you opened an ice cream shop but only served vanilla.
As a dating coach, my educated guess is that you played it safe and didn’t project the kind of steely certainty that so many women tend to want from men. That can push women away, sometimes into the arms of jerks.
“You’re too nice” is code. It likely means you were so focused on saying and doing what you thought she wanted that you forgot to show up as you and decisively lead the dating dance.
RELATED: What Women Say & What They Really Mean
To be clear: The vast majority of women do want nice, kind men. But they also want men to show up with confidence, not permission slips. So ignore the Manosphere noise about how nice guys finish last with women, OK? (The only thing the Red Pill guys are sleeping with is their Xbox.)
How do I know? I tried being a jerk. It backfired. Long before I became a dating coach, I was a struggling single guy trying to figure out how to connect with women. I once hired a pickup artist who said, “Connell, you’re too nice. Be a dick to women.”
I acted arrogant on dates. I approached girls and said crass things (“Are all your friends hotter than you?”). One peeved woman poured a pitcher of ice-water down my shirt. (It was the least sexy cold shower of my life.)
RELATED: What Guys Get Wrong About Flirting
It didn’t work, and I felt awful… and not just because I was acting like an ass. I wasn’t being me, a nice guy from a nice Ohio family. The girls I met could smell my agenda like too much Axe Body Spray.
So what do women really want? I got a surprising answer one night at a Tiki bar in Miami, when I met a Maxim model named Julie. “I am so sick of arrogant men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me.” Then Julie said something I’ll never forget, a truth I remind all of my clients: “Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs — as long as they have a backbone.”
Kindness without confidence leads to rejection. Confidence without kindness is just being a jerk. You need both kindness and confidence.
I know it was hurtful and confusing to see her go back to the same man who’d cheated on her, when all you’d like to be is a devoted boyfriend. Some women choose a toxic guy because he comes off as a leader who unapologetically says and does what he wants. Jerks aren’t attractive because they’re jerks, but because they project confidence and self-certainty — the backbone that Julie mentioned.
RELATED: How to Build Confidence When Dealing With Self-Image Issues
You likely played it a bit too safe with the woman you were dating, which she read as a lack of confidence.
I’ll bet your courtship with her played out this way. On your first date, you wanted to kiss her, but you just gave her a hug. You wanted to tell her how sexy she is, but you bit your tongue so as not to be “creepy.” When she suggested, say, Thai food (which you hate) you said, “Sure, whatever you want!”
You were so busy being the man you thought she wanted that you forgot to be the man you are inside. That pushed her away.
Male-female attraction needs polarity, romantic tension. A woman in touch with her feminine side tends to like a man who exudes strength. That doesn’t mean be an asshole. It means be a man who leads with certainty.
RELATED: How to Exude Confidence When Dating Someone New
So how do you show up differently with the next woman you meet? Here are three suggestions.
1. Lead the Dating Dance
Dating is a dance, and it’s the man’s job to lead. Instead of asking, “Where do you want to go?” you might say, “Let’s try my favorite wine bar — I think you’ll love it.”
Dating coach tip: Use the word “let’s” often (“Let’s grab fish tacos on Tuesday,” “Let’s go on a second date…”). “Let’s” lets you lead without sounding bossy. Oh, and it’s way better than, “So…umm…maybe… if you’re not busy this decade…?”
2. Playfully Disagree with Her (If You Mean It)
Have you ever noticed that in rom-coms the two leads always have flinty, flirty banter… often bordering on bickering?
In your early text messages and dates, feel free to disagree with her a time or two to see if that ignites spark, always keeping it playful. (“Wait, you think pineapple belongs on pizza? I was so into you until you said that!”)
Switch your filter from “Will she approve of this?” to “What do I honestly feel about this?”
3. Show Her the Perfectly Imperfect You
As you move through dates 1 through 4, lower your guard more and more, and show vulnerability. Reveal your fears and imperfections. Now, don’t unload a ton of trauma, but share the story about the day you got laid off or admit a deep fear you don’t tell most people.
On my second date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my nine-week failed marriage, and how it was mostly my fault. It didn’t scare her off. She appreciated my openness, and (I hope) saw that I was working on myself and trying to grow. Women like it when a guy drops his guard.
RELATED: The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability
Here’s the truth: It’s good to be nice! Ignore all that Red Pill noise. Niceness is a virtue women want.You were too soft, too supplicating… but not too nice. What repels women isn’t kindness. It’s fear masquerading as kindness.
Be nice, generous, and thoughtful, but from a place of strength, not need. Lead the interaction and show her who you are.
Nice guys finish first… when they lead the dating dance.
You Might Also Dig:
Dating Coach: Why Do Women Ghost Me as Soon as We Start Talking?How Long Should You Wait Before Asking for a Second Date?Dating Coach: Should I Get Penis Enlargement Surgery?
The Question
Things were going great with a woman I was seeing, but last week she ended it. She told me she’s not looking to date right now. A couple days later I was up late on Instagram and saw that she’s back with her ex, who had cheated on her. I DM’d her for answers, and she said, “You’re just too nice.” I feel crushed and confused! Am I supposed to treat people badly? Do women even want good guys?
— Frustrated in Phoenix
The Answer
Instagram should come with a warning label: “Danger! Scrolling at 3 a.m. may make you question your romantic worth.”
That must have hurt, Frustrated. You feel played, replaced, and you’re wondering what you did wrong.
RELATED: Common Mistakes Men Make in the First Few Dates
Odds are, she didn’t reject you for being nice. She rejected you because you were afraid to be anything besides nice. It’s like you opened an ice cream shop but only served vanilla.
As a dating coach, my educated guess is that you played it safe and didn’t project the kind of steely certainty that so many women tend to want from men. That can push women away, sometimes into the arms of jerks.
“You’re too nice” is code. It likely means you were so focused on saying and doing what you thought she wanted that you forgot to show up as you and decisively lead the dating dance.
RELATED: What Women Say & What They Really Mean
To be clear: The vast majority of women do want nice, kind men. But they also want men to show up with confidence, not permission slips. So ignore the Manosphere noise about how nice guys finish last with women, OK? (The only thing the Red Pill guys are sleeping with is their Xbox.)
How do I know? I tried being a jerk. It backfired. Long before I became a dating coach, I was a struggling single guy trying to figure out how to connect with women. I once hired a pickup artist who said, “Connell, you’re too nice. Be a dick to women.”
I acted arrogant on dates. I approached girls and said crass things (“Are all your friends hotter than you?”). One peeved woman poured a pitcher of ice-water down my shirt. (It was the least sexy cold shower of my life.)
RELATED: What Guys Get Wrong About Flirting
It didn’t work, and I felt awful… and not just because I was acting like an ass. I wasn’t being me, a nice guy from a nice Ohio family. The girls I met could smell my agenda like too much Axe Body Spray.
So what do women really want? I got a surprising answer one night at a Tiki bar in Miami, when I met a Maxim model named Julie. “I am so sick of arrogant men,” she said. “I’d love to meet a nice guy, but they never approach me.” Then Julie said something I’ll never forget, a truth I remind all of my clients: “Nice guys are sexier than six-pack abs — as long as they have a backbone.”
Kindness without confidence leads to rejection. Confidence without kindness is just being a jerk. You need both kindness and confidence.
I know it was hurtful and confusing to see her go back to the same man who’d cheated on her, when all you’d like to be is a devoted boyfriend. Some women choose a toxic guy because he comes off as a leader who unapologetically says and does what he wants. Jerks aren’t attractive because they’re jerks, but because they project confidence and self-certainty — the backbone that Julie mentioned.
RELATED: How to Build Confidence When Dealing With Self-Image Issues
You likely played it a bit too safe with the woman you were dating, which she read as a lack of confidence.
I’ll bet your courtship with her played out this way. On your first date, you wanted to kiss her, but you just gave her a hug. You wanted to tell her how sexy she is, but you bit your tongue so as not to be “creepy.” When she suggested, say, Thai food (which you hate) you said, “Sure, whatever you want!”
You were so busy being the man you thought she wanted that you forgot to be the man you are inside. That pushed her away.
Male-female attraction needs polarity, romantic tension. A woman in touch with her feminine side tends to like a man who exudes strength. That doesn’t mean be an asshole. It means be a man who leads with certainty.
RELATED: How to Exude Confidence When Dating Someone New
So how do you show up differently with the next woman you meet? Here are three suggestions.
1. Lead the Dating Dance
Dating is a dance, and it’s the man’s job to lead. Instead of asking, “Where do you want to go?” you might say, “Let’s try my favorite wine bar — I think you’ll love it.”
Dating coach tip: Use the word “let’s” often (“Let’s grab fish tacos on Tuesday,” “Let’s go on a second date…”). “Let’s” lets you lead without sounding bossy. Oh, and it’s way better than, “So…umm…maybe… if you’re not busy this decade…?”
2. Playfully Disagree with Her (If You Mean It)
Have you ever noticed that in rom-coms the two leads always have flinty, flirty banter… often bordering on bickering?
In your early text messages and dates, feel free to disagree with her a time or two to see if that ignites spark, always keeping it playful. (“Wait, you think pineapple belongs on pizza? I was so into you until you said that!”)
Switch your filter from “Will she approve of this?” to “What do I honestly feel about this?”
3. Show Her the Perfectly Imperfect You
As you move through dates 1 through 4, lower your guard more and more, and show vulnerability. Reveal your fears and imperfections. Now, don’t unload a ton of trauma, but share the story about the day you got laid off or admit a deep fear you don’t tell most people.
On my second date with my girlfriend Jess, I told her about my nine-week failed marriage, and how it was mostly my fault. It didn’t scare her off. She appreciated my openness, and (I hope) saw that I was working on myself and trying to grow. Women like it when a guy drops his guard.
RELATED: The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability
Here’s the truth: It’s good to be nice! Ignore all that Red Pill noise. Niceness is a virtue women want.You were too soft, too supplicating… but not too nice. What repels women isn’t kindness. It’s fear masquerading as kindness.
Be nice, generous, and thoughtful, but from a place of strength, not need. Lead the interaction and show her who you are.
Nice guys finish first… when they lead the dating dance.
You Might Also Dig:
Dating Coach: Why Do Women Ghost Me as Soon as We Start Talking?How Long Should You Wait Before Asking for a Second Date?Dating Coach: Should I Get Penis Enlargement Surgery?