Today, about 40% of marriages end in divorce — a grim statistic that sheds light on just how hard it is to make a relationship last, even when you vow to spend the rest of your lives together. Fortunately, experts agree that marriages can usually be saved — as long as issues are addressed before they snowball.
“All couples will hit a snag from time to time, and it doesn’t mean things are doomed,” says Antoinette Bonafede Shine, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical director at Everybody’s Place Psychotherapy. “Each of us brings baggage into our relationships that can affect how we love a person. If you’re willing to show vulnerability, admit when wrong, and still seek each other out and reconnect, and realign, even if it takes a few tries, these are key factors that make a relationship salvageable.”
According to Sanya Bari, a licensed psychotherapist, most relationship problems don’t stem from a lack of love — but rather, unclear expectations, unspoken resentment, and emotional overload that “builds quietly over time.”
“Many couples wait until things have gotten so dire that they are on the verge of losing hope altogether before they reach out for help,” adds Shine.
Below, couples therapists share the most common marriage problems — and more importantly, how to prevent and address them to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship for years to come.
RELATED: Relationship Counseling Lessons
Mistake #1: Avoiding Vulnerable Conversations
According to Kaitlin Kindman, a licensed therapist in private practice, many couples avoid important but challenging conversations due to fears that they’ll create distance — when in actuality, it’s the avoidance that causes the issues. Not communicating about the factors that are sabotaging their feelings of security, satisfaction, or fulfillment in the relationship creates distance, says Kindman.
“A lot of men learn early that conflict leads to blowups or shutdown, so they avoid it. Unfortunately, avoidance doesn’t prevent conflict — it delays it,” explains Bari.
Not only does avoiding vulnerable conversations lead to increased tension, but it also erodes security and trust within the partnership, according to Kindman. Then, when a confrontation inevitably does happen, it’s far more likely to escalate.
The best way to prevent this issue is to schedule a weekly relationship check-in, so that both partners have an opportunity to air out their fears, concerns, needs, desires, etc.
Mistake #2: Drifting Into Roommate Mode
Lisa Chen, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, says she sees this issue all the time: Married couples spend most of their time together figuring out the day-to-day logistics of managing and sharing responsibilities — caring for kids, completing housework, paying bills, and running errands. That doesn’t leave any room for romance.
That doesn’t mean you need to make sweeping grand gestures, says Chen. Instead, the best way to keep the spark alive is consistency — say, scheduling a weekly or monthly date night, or having an intimate ritual you share every evening like snuggling on the couch with a movie or cooking dinner together.
RELATED: How to Know If You Should Try Couple’s Therapy
Mistake #3: Refusing to Accept Your Partner As-Is
While you and your partner will certainly change over the course of your marriage, expecting them to become an entirely different person is setting you up for never-ending disappointment and frustration.
“Part of the commitment in a relationship is being willing to accept what cannot be changed and to love the person anyway,” explains Shine. “Acceptance often begins with seeing and accepting both the good and the bad in a person, without feeling resentful about what their partner is unable to provide.”
Still, if there are specific things you’d like them to work on, Shine says it’s still worth sharing those in a gentle, non-accusatory way.
“These conversations can also help us see what is changeable and what isn’t,” she explains. “This then gives us a chance to take stock of what is a dealbreaker and whether a partner’s quirks can be tolerated.”
Mistake #4: Ineffective Apologies
Apologizing is an art — and one that all married couples must master. Unfortunately, Kindman says many people never learned how to sincerely take accountability when they slip up — even if unintentionally — and instead end up brushing their faults under the rug or getting defensive about them.
“Inevitably, you will make mistakes, unintentionally hurt your partner, or leave them feeling dropped,” Kindman explains. “The key that’s missing for many people is how to meaningfully repair when this happens, so that trust and security are fostered.”
In order to truly repair after a conflict, Kindman advises focusing on identifying the impact of your actions, verbally taking responsibility for that impact, and offering a solution for how you’ll handle things in the future.
“This helps your partner feel that you fully understand the rupture and supports them to feel at ease by knowing it will happen differently next time,” she adds.
Mistake #5: Unequal Distribution of Labor and Mental Load
When one person in the marriage feels they are the default household manager or parent — and their partner isn’t pulling their weight or supporting them — that’s bound to cause bitterness.
Charity Hagains, a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of NOYAU Wellness Center, suggests addressing this issue by making a list of all the tasks that must be done to sustain your lifestyle — like grocery shopping, taking out the trash, and feeding the pets — and then assigning specific duties to ensure the labor is distributed fairly.
“Even when chores are split, one partner often carries more of the planning, remembering, and emotional tracking,” says Bari.
This imbalance can quickly lead to mounting resentment.
“So, make sure to also talk about responsibilities beyond tasks — decision-making, follow-through, and emotional presence matter just as much.”
Couples can also schedule regular check-ins, says Hagains, to assess how both partners are feeling about their physical and mental load, and whether any shifts need to be made.
Mistake #6: Lack of Appreciation
“Many men come into couple’s therapy saying, ‘I’m trying, but it’s never right,’” Bari tells AskMen.
Usually, though, this is simply because they don’t understand how to make their partner feel supported and appreciated — and often the only way to clarify this is to ask.
“Take stock of what ‘lights your partner up,’” adds Shine. “What I mean by this is, show up for your partner in their preferred love language… not your preferred language. For example, if your partner gets really excited by the prospect of baked goods from the bakery down the street, surprise them with a sweet treat, even if maybe you’d prefer pizza. Or if physical contact in the form of hugs, kisses, or caresses makes them feel loved, incorporate this into even mundane moments in your day. These small acts can make a person feel cared for, even if you wouldn’t look at them the same way.”
And when your partner makes these efforts to ensure you feel cared for, make it a point to express appreciation for those acts. That appreciation will make your partner want to continue doing those things, which will in turn breed more positive feelings that encourage you to do the same. This creates a feedback loop where you both feel valued, and motivated to make the other feel valued.
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“All couples will hit a snag from time to time, and it doesn’t mean things are doomed,” says Antoinette Bonafede Shine, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical director at Everybody’s Place Psychotherapy. “Each of us brings baggage into our relationships that can affect how we love a person. If you’re willing to show vulnerability, admit when wrong, and still seek each other out and reconnect, and realign, even if it takes a few tries, these are key factors that make a relationship salvageable.”
According to Sanya Bari, a licensed psychotherapist, most relationship problems don’t stem from a lack of love — but rather, unclear expectations, unspoken resentment, and emotional overload that “builds quietly over time.”
“Many couples wait until things have gotten so dire that they are on the verge of losing hope altogether before they reach out for help,” adds Shine.
Below, couples therapists share the most common marriage problems — and more importantly, how to prevent and address them to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship for years to come.
RELATED: Relationship Counseling Lessons
Mistake #1: Avoiding Vulnerable Conversations
According to Kaitlin Kindman, a licensed therapist in private practice, many couples avoid important but challenging conversations due to fears that they’ll create distance — when in actuality, it’s the avoidance that causes the issues. Not communicating about the factors that are sabotaging their feelings of security, satisfaction, or fulfillment in the relationship creates distance, says Kindman.
“A lot of men learn early that conflict leads to blowups or shutdown, so they avoid it. Unfortunately, avoidance doesn’t prevent conflict — it delays it,” explains Bari.
Not only does avoiding vulnerable conversations lead to increased tension, but it also erodes security and trust within the partnership, according to Kindman. Then, when a confrontation inevitably does happen, it’s far more likely to escalate.
The best way to prevent this issue is to schedule a weekly relationship check-in, so that both partners have an opportunity to air out their fears, concerns, needs, desires, etc.
Mistake #2: Drifting Into Roommate Mode
Lisa Chen, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, says she sees this issue all the time: Married couples spend most of their time together figuring out the day-to-day logistics of managing and sharing responsibilities — caring for kids, completing housework, paying bills, and running errands. That doesn’t leave any room for romance.
That doesn’t mean you need to make sweeping grand gestures, says Chen. Instead, the best way to keep the spark alive is consistency — say, scheduling a weekly or monthly date night, or having an intimate ritual you share every evening like snuggling on the couch with a movie or cooking dinner together.
RELATED: How to Know If You Should Try Couple’s Therapy
Mistake #3: Refusing to Accept Your Partner As-Is
While you and your partner will certainly change over the course of your marriage, expecting them to become an entirely different person is setting you up for never-ending disappointment and frustration.
“Part of the commitment in a relationship is being willing to accept what cannot be changed and to love the person anyway,” explains Shine. “Acceptance often begins with seeing and accepting both the good and the bad in a person, without feeling resentful about what their partner is unable to provide.”
Still, if there are specific things you’d like them to work on, Shine says it’s still worth sharing those in a gentle, non-accusatory way.
“These conversations can also help us see what is changeable and what isn’t,” she explains. “This then gives us a chance to take stock of what is a dealbreaker and whether a partner’s quirks can be tolerated.”
Mistake #4: Ineffective Apologies
Apologizing is an art — and one that all married couples must master. Unfortunately, Kindman says many people never learned how to sincerely take accountability when they slip up — even if unintentionally — and instead end up brushing their faults under the rug or getting defensive about them.
“Inevitably, you will make mistakes, unintentionally hurt your partner, or leave them feeling dropped,” Kindman explains. “The key that’s missing for many people is how to meaningfully repair when this happens, so that trust and security are fostered.”
In order to truly repair after a conflict, Kindman advises focusing on identifying the impact of your actions, verbally taking responsibility for that impact, and offering a solution for how you’ll handle things in the future.
“This helps your partner feel that you fully understand the rupture and supports them to feel at ease by knowing it will happen differently next time,” she adds.
Mistake #5: Unequal Distribution of Labor and Mental Load
When one person in the marriage feels they are the default household manager or parent — and their partner isn’t pulling their weight or supporting them — that’s bound to cause bitterness.
Charity Hagains, a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of NOYAU Wellness Center, suggests addressing this issue by making a list of all the tasks that must be done to sustain your lifestyle — like grocery shopping, taking out the trash, and feeding the pets — and then assigning specific duties to ensure the labor is distributed fairly.
“Even when chores are split, one partner often carries more of the planning, remembering, and emotional tracking,” says Bari.
This imbalance can quickly lead to mounting resentment.
“So, make sure to also talk about responsibilities beyond tasks — decision-making, follow-through, and emotional presence matter just as much.”
Couples can also schedule regular check-ins, says Hagains, to assess how both partners are feeling about their physical and mental load, and whether any shifts need to be made.
Mistake #6: Lack of Appreciation
“Many men come into couple’s therapy saying, ‘I’m trying, but it’s never right,’” Bari tells AskMen.
Usually, though, this is simply because they don’t understand how to make their partner feel supported and appreciated — and often the only way to clarify this is to ask.
“Take stock of what ‘lights your partner up,’” adds Shine. “What I mean by this is, show up for your partner in their preferred love language… not your preferred language. For example, if your partner gets really excited by the prospect of baked goods from the bakery down the street, surprise them with a sweet treat, even if maybe you’d prefer pizza. Or if physical contact in the form of hugs, kisses, or caresses makes them feel loved, incorporate this into even mundane moments in your day. These small acts can make a person feel cared for, even if you wouldn’t look at them the same way.”
And when your partner makes these efforts to ensure you feel cared for, make it a point to express appreciation for those acts. That appreciation will make your partner want to continue doing those things, which will in turn breed more positive feelings that encourage you to do the same. This creates a feedback loop where you both feel valued, and motivated to make the other feel valued.
You Might Also Dig:
Apps for Couples Looking to Fix Their Relationship ProblemsHow to Use ‘Solve Languages’ to Improve Your RelationshipCouples Exercises to Build Intimacy & Improve Communication