According to a 2024 survey by eharmony, 67% of singles don’t plan to ask their next partner about how many people they’ve slept with, and only 24% say the number matters. There’s nothing inherently wrong with asking these questions — but the key here is doing so in a way that’s considerate and nonjudgemental.
Here’s what experts want you to know before tackling this touchy topic.
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Is It Okay to Ask Your Partner Their Body Count?
Experts agree that it is acceptable to ask questions about your partner’s sexual past — but first, you’ll need to clarify your intentions. Why do you feel the need to know this information? What do you hope to gain from it?
“When this curiosity is grounded in respect, integrity, vulnerability, flexibility, and compassion, discussing these topics can be done constructively,” says Domenique Harrison, LMFT, LPCC, a race and relationships therapist in private practice. “However, if your questions stem from judgment, guilt, blame, or shame, your partner has every right to take a moment to pause and consider whether answering honestly might hurt them or create disharmony in the relationship.”
Harrison also advises asking yourself how you’ll feel if your partner has had more or fewer sexual partners than you — and how those emotions might impact the current and future state of your relationship. Will you feel jealous? Embarrassed or insecure? Knowing this can help you decide whether or not it’s worth moving forward to have the conversation.
How Do You Ask Your Partner How Many People They’ve Slept With?
So, you’ve determined that you have positive intentions in broaching this subject. Now the question is: How can you bring it up in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel super awkward — or worse, disrespected?
Harrison suggests checking with your partner to see if it’s a good time to discuss your sexual history first. This gives them an opportunity to say “no” if they’re feeling tired, stressed, or emotionally overwhelmed. Then, you can ask: “Can we try again over the weekend?” or “When might be a better time for you to talk about it?” This simple extra step can help your partner not to feel blindsided by the conversation. Not only that, but it ensures that they’re in the right headspace to have a calm, open, and honest discussion about an often sensitive subject.
If your partner gives you the green light to talk, Stephanie Jona Buehler, a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist, recommends starting by sharing a little about your own sexual history and values. This can make the conversation feel less like an interrogation, and more like a two-way exchange. Demonstrating vulnerability might make your partner feel more comfortable doing the same. This is also a great opportunity to explain those intentions you previously clarified. If your partner knows why you’re interested in how many people they’ve slept with, they’ll probably be more inclined to answer.
“Try to engage in broader discussions about how your beliefs regarding sexual partners were formed,” says Harrison.
“Avoid asking questions in a way that seems judgmental, or pressuring your partner to discuss the issue,” adds Patricia Bathurst, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Oasis Recovery. “And if they aren’t ready, they aren’t ready. If things get heated, take a break and talk about it later.”
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What If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Share Their Body Count?
Remember: Your partner isn’t obligated to share how many people they’ve slept with, and neither are you.
“Your partner has the right to respond with as much or as little information as they choose, or even opt not to answer at all,” says Harrison. “As mature adults, we must learn to navigate our disappointment or frustration when we don’t receive the answers we were hoping for.”
If your partner isn’t willing to talk about body counts, you can gently ask what’s making them hesitant to discuss this with you — or whether they’d be open to sharing at a later date. Again, though, keep in mind that they don’t “owe” you an explanation and they may not be willing to revisit the convo.
Whatever you do, don’t lie about the number to avoid upsetting your partner, says Buehler. Being dishonest is far more likely to erode the trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship than giving an answer your partner might be less than thrilled about.
If you’re not ready to address the question yet, Harrison suggests saying something like: “I want to be able to talk about this honestly with you, but I’m feeling anxious about how you might react. Can we circle back to this tomorrow?” Or, you could say something like, “I appreciate your willingness to talk about this but I don’t think I’m ready to share. If that’s an issue for you, I’m open to discussing my reasons, but I need some time to gather my thoughts before we talk.” You could also say something along the lines of: “How would you feel about going first? That might help me to feel more comfortable opening up and sharing.”
What to Know If You’re Feeling Insecure About Your or Your Partner’s Body Count
If you’re going to ask your partner about their body count, Buehler says you need to be OK with hearing any possible answer.
“Then, you can let the person know if that doesn’t fit with your values, take time to reflect if their answer is something you can accept, or fully embrace that you have a difference in values and move forward regardless,” she explains.
And if your partner responds negatively to your body count, keep in mind that this reaction isn’t about you, it’s about them — for example, their own internalized sex negativity and insecurities, says Buehler.
“However, their reaction can still be hurtful and leave you feeling shame, sadness, disappointment, and more,” says Harrison. “In such situations, it’s important to take a break and practice self-care. Reconnect with your own story and reclaim the truth about what your sexual experiences — regardless of their number — have meant to you. Treat yourself with kindness.”
Harrison also advises repeating some positive affirmations yourself, and/or journaling about your feelings.
You and your partner can consider trying to revisit the topic again at a later date — but only if you both feel emotionally safe to do so. Feel free to set boundaries with your partner about what you will and won’t accept during this discussion. For example, you could say: “If you say anything that’s clearly meant to make me feel judged or ashamed, I will have to end the conversation and leave.”
And ultimately, if your partner has an issue with your body count, remember this: it’s actually a gift.
“Finding out that someone’s values don’t match up with yours sooner rather than later can help you avoid a world of pain,” says Buehler. “You can avoid getting involved with someone who may be judgmental.”
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