What kind of things, you ask? We’ve asked a few real people who sleep with men to share the top things that make them not want to get intimate. Here’s a look at what might be keeping you from getting laid as often as you’d like and how to fix it.
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9 Underrated Factors Subtly Sabotaging Your Bedroom Fun
Poor Hygiene
This might seem obvious, but Heather, 31, says she’s been shocked by the number of dates she’s been on with men who didn’t get the memo. “I’ve been on dates with bad breath, bad BO, greasy hair with clear dandruff issues, you name it,” she says. “If you don’t look or smell clean with your clothes on, they’re probably going to stay on.”
Next time you head out, take stock of your appearance and smell. Be honest — is that deodorant working for you? Is your shampoo leaving flakes behind? A few simple product swaps could make all the difference.
Misogynistic Views of Women
What kind of energy are you bringing into the dates you go on? Are you approaching women from a place of positivity and openness? Or have you already decided the woman you’re interested in won’t be interested in you because all women are man-haters?
“If you’re talking down to the female waitstaff, openly sharing stories of how dumb your female colleagues are or bashing your female family members on our date, you’re not going to get laid,” says Claire, 23. “Misogyny doesn’t have to be directed at your date for it to affect us. We don’t want to be around that kind of energy.”
Expecting Your Partner to Initiate
Initiating sex, whether in a long-term or casual relationship, always comes with the possibility that your partner might not be in the mood at that very moment. But if the fear of being turned down keeps you from initiating, it can also make your partner feel like you’re not into it. “Being with someone who doesn’t initiate eventually makes me get in my head about whether or not they want to do it with me when I’m constantly the initiator,” says Kai, 29. Take note of how often your partner is initiating. If it’s always, it’s time to step up your game.
Not Opening Up About Your Real Fantasies
Having a great sex life isn’t just about frequency. It’s also exploring new things with your partner. “I have no problem being vocal about what I want in bed, especially if there’s something new we haven’t done yet that I want to test out,” says Jada, 27. “But if I’m the only one coming to the table with new things, things start to feel uneven.” In an ideal scenario, sex would be something that grows and evolves in a relationship to keep things fresh and interesting. If you haven’t brought up something new you’d like to try with your partner in a while, what are you waiting for?
Skipping Foreplay
Skipping foreplay or even rushing through it isn’t doing any favors for your sex life. Foreplay is an essential part of the arousal process for women and people with vulvas to get the natural lubrication process flowing. “Having sex without foreplay is like trying to grill steak on a cold pan,” says Bri, 26. “It takes longer for me to get turned on, and I feel like my orgasm is never as good without it.” Great sex starts with great foreplay, so do your due diligence and start incorporating it into your routine.
Drinking Too Much
Alcohol can be a powerful social lubricant, but it can have the opposite effect on your sex life. Alcohol dehydrates you, making it more difficult to get an erection and even dulling the sensitivity of nerve endings. Not only will sex not feel as satisfying (and be harder to execute) for you, but the experience on your partner’s end is likely to be less than stellar. “Know your limits if you’re trying to get laid,” says Heather, 31.
Having a Gross Bedroom
At a minimum, your bedroom should be clean and tidy. Fresh sheets, vacuumed floors, and a room that smells good and welcoming are musts. “Think about what your partner would be seeing in various positions,” says Steph, 34. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been straight-up distracted during sex because I’m facing a corner that’s full of dust.” For bonus points, light a candle for some ambiance.
Scrolling Through Your Phone In Bed
Getting into bed and immediately getting sucked into the world of social media makes it very hard to unplug, let alone unplug and then get busy with your partner. “Once my boyfriend and I stopped taking our phones to bed, we started having more sex than we ever had before,” says Steph, 34. Ditching bedroom distractions (including the bedroom TV, if you have one) forces you and your partner to be present, opening the door for intimacy more easily.
Unmanaged Stress
Stress is one of the biggest libido killers. Whether it’s an impending work deadline, a sick family member, or financial issues, learning how to manage stress effectively is critical for not only a healthy sex life but our overall well-being, too. “My sex life improved when my husband finally started setting boundaries at work, specifically not answering his phone past work hours,” says Sarah, 35. If establishing limits in your current role isn’t in the cards, learning how to turn off work stress to be in the moment with your partner is important to understand.
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