When you think of someone feeling heartbroken and trying to cope after a breakup, your mind might go to a woman, sobbing, eating ice cream and texting all her friends.
Because of the way we conceptualize emotions for men — which is to say, in a very narrow and stifling way — many people don’t fully recognize that men get their hearts broken too.
There just doesn’t seem to be as much space in our cultural narratives devoted to the fact that men experience sadness, mourning and grief, and need support from their friends and loved ones in the wake of a tough breakup, rather than a pat on the back, a trip to a strip club, or quickly downloading a dating app to get some tail and distract themselves.
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So what does male heartbreak look like? In our culture, men may be deterred from fully exploring emotions like sadness, regret, and loneliness, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not there. In order to better understand male heartbreak, AskMen spoke to a handful of mental health professionals. Here’s what they had to say:
Male vs. Female Heartbreak
Of course, it’s important to remember that gender isn’t a perfect, binaristic separator of human behavior. For one, people who live outside the binary exist; for two, many women may portray stereotypically masculine traits in some areas of behavior, while the inverse is true as well.
It may be helpful to think of it like height — men are, on average, taller than women, but the tallest woman is much taller than the shortest man. As a group, men may respond to heartbreak in one way, but if you zoom in, there’ll be lots of variation from person to person.
“In my experience processing the grief and loss of heartbreak looks differently for everyone,” says Carlos M. Flores, LMFT, a therapist at Octave. “Cultural differences will inform the way we each respond, however, the human reaction to loss is essentially the same. It’s in our reactivity to grief and loss that we can make decisions that are not as well thought out as those made when we are not in distress.”
In addition to cultural upbringings, things like parenting style, personal history of trauma or loss and more will also impact how a person responds to the breakup of a romantic relationship.
That being said, it is possible to discern gendered patterns in the way people behave, and in this regard, heartbreak is no different — in North American culture, men and women are often likely to respond to romantic sadness and loss in different ways.
“I have been a counselor and a relationship expert for over 20 years and it astounds me how differently men and women deal with and process life relationships and heartbreak,” says relationship expert and certified addiction and trauma counselor Audrey Hope. “I only know the secret truth about men because of the privilege of helping them through addiction and a traumatic event. This is where the door to their heart truth begins to express itself.”
So what do those differences often look like?
“Men, for instance, often have a more external approach to dealing with pain, choosing to distance themselves from the emotional turmoil by focusing on work, physical activities, or even turning to substance use,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NYC-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. “This may stem from societal expectations that men should ‘tough it out’ and avoid showing vulnerability.”
“As a result,” she says, “they may struggle with deep emotional processing, sometimes only confronting their feelings much later when the impact of the breakup hits them harder than anticipated.”
In our culture, women, on the other hand, Hafeez says, “are often more comfortable expressing vulnerability, which can lead them to process heartbreak more intensely. Socially, women are typically encouraged to seek support from their friends and family when it comes to emotionally processing the situation.”
Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms After Heartbreak
“In general, heartbreak is a form of grief, and therefore often involves one or more of the stages described in the Stages of Grief model described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross,” says Eran Magen, Ph.D, CEO of mental health system EarlyAlert.me and founder of DivorcingDads.org.
These stages, which have become somewhat well-known in popular culture, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
“These stages don’t necessarily happen in order, and each of them can appear more than once in the course of processing grief,” says Magen. “Going through these stages is normal, and it’s important to make sure we don’t cause harm to others or to ourselves when we are angry or sad.”
However, not everyone passed through these stages in short order. If you’re hesitant or unwilling to process your grief, the whole thing could take much longer.
“I remember a client once told me he wanted to spend the session talking about a past love. I said, ‘Great, tell me.’ And he said, ‘Well, it was 23 years ago…’” says Hope. “And so there it was — the way men process pain! They just go on with their lives. They rationalize in their mind what lies locked in their hearts.”
This is far from a universal description of how men process heartbreak, but it’s not exactly a one-off, either. Because boys are so often socialized not to express their emotions, many of them grow into men with emotional intelligence deficits — adults who struggle to recognize, name and address their feelings.
So what are the behaviors that guys are sometimes guilty of overrelying on in the wake of a breakup that are hurting their odds of having a healthy emotional recovery from their grief?
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Relying on Distractions (Especially Rebounds)
“Some men may throw themselves into work or casual relationships,” says Hafeez.
While this has long been a socially accepted means of getting over someone, it’s often more a distraction than a genuine approach to healing — and can mean a new flame ends up discovering they’re more of a band-aid rebound relationship than anything really meaningful.
“Take the time you need to process the end of the relationship and don’t place the expectation on a new relationship to serve as a replacement for love that’s been lost,” says Flores.
Overrelying on Substances
“Turning to alcohol or drugs to cope with the pain is another common but unhealthy response” for many guys, says Hafeez.
“This is one of those tools to numb ourselves from the pain of losing someone,”says Flores. “Processing loss demands sobriety. There’s something to learn from the end of any relationship, and your experience deserves your full attention.”
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Besides numbing feelings and preventing you from fully processing what’s happening, turning to substances can also have numerous other negative effects on your physical and mental health, your relationships, and more. It’s a dangerous path to walk down, and one that can prove difficult to turn back from once someone’s started along it.
Avoiding Processing the Grief
“Men might shy away from talking to friends or seeking therapy, fearing judgment or a lack of privacy,” says Hafeez.
Instead, she says, they may transmute their sadness into a more stereotypically ‘masculine’ emotion — anger.
“Some men may react with anger toward their ex-partner or themselves,” Hafeez says. “This can damage relationships and create more emotional tension.”
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“What we know about processing grief and loss is that it demands to be honored,” says Flores. “Unhealthy coping is willful denial of those emotions that bring discomfort.”
“To put it another way, the stigma men encounter around showing emotion and being vulnerable — like crying with a friend — can prevent them from truly honoring their loss,” he explains. “This can look like someone saying they are over their ex the day after a break up. The reality is we go through grief and loss, we don’t “get over it.”
Villainizing or Pestering Their Ex
After a breakup, when you’re feeling heartbroken, your ex-partner can become a symbol of your pain. For some people, that’s hard to, well, be chill about. Though this emotional response is understandable, letting it turn into more toxic behavior patterns isn’t OK.
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Mentally assigning your ex the role of villain is rarely healthy or useful, says Flores: “While there was a reason for the end of the relationship, there was also a reason you fostered its growth for as long as you did. That’s worth honoring.”
However you’re now thinking of your ex, going no-contact — particularly in the short term — is usually the best strategy for dealing with heartbreak.
“Limit your contact with your ex,” Flores advises. “Don’t drunk text or send unsolicited messages.”
If you’re worried about impulsive emotional communication attempts, he suggests writing down your ex’s phone number somewhere for safekeeping, but deleting it off your devices.
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Recovering From Heartbreak
So what should guys try to do when they’re grieving a relationship that’s ended? Here, too, it’ll depend on the person, but some practices are broadly considered to be helpful.
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Feel Your Feelings
“When you are sad or upset, allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling, but remember you don’t have to act on it, and remember it will pass,” says Magen.
“I hope in the future that men will find a place in society to begin to talk about their real feelings and fears and risk being vulnerable,” says Hope. “l even had one man ask me, ‘What is an emotion?’ For some, if they cry, it’s like they committed a crime, and apologize over and over again.”
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“Men need to find that safe place and not wait for an addiction or trauma to reveal their feelings,” says Hope. “If he doesn’t do it in a timely fashion, it will be stored in a closet and one day come out like a monster and the pain will take him down.”
Invest in the Relationships You Do Have
“Reach out to your support system and let them know what you need,” says Flores. “Support doesn’t always come in the form of a solution to a problem. Sometimes comfort is all that we need to get through a difficult time. Sometimes it’s simply being in the company of someone who cares about you.”
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“Don’t be embarrassed about leaning on people who love you, like friends and family — call them, or text them, and most importantly meet them and hang out,” says Magen.
Work on Yourself
“Set aside time to date yourself before exploring opportunities for new romantic relationships,” says Flores. “You can do this by exploring new hobbies, or make time for hobbies that you may have not invested in while you were in a relationship.”
“Find acceptable distractions to help make the intense moments less intense (stand-up shows on YouTube, practicing juggling, cleaning your home, calling a friend, etc),” says Magen. “Keep your mind and body busy with healthy activities and interactions.”
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“Think about things you’ve always wanted to do (taking an art class, unpacking those boxes from your last move that have been moldering in your closet, volunteering at a pet shelter) and do them,” Magen suggests. “More generally, schedule fun and wholesome activities into your week so you know there will be regular points of feeling better — meeting with friends, classes you enjoy, or a regular phone date with a family member.”
“I suggest trying to channel the emotions into something productive or positive,” says Hafeez. “Whether learning a skill or setting personal goals, using your energy positively will keep you moving forward. It also gives you a sense of progress and helps you shift your focus from the pain to personal growth.”
Don’t Rush the Process
“Don’t compare your process of grief and loss to others,” says Flores. “We all have different timelines and experiences. The level of intimacy and vulnerability you may have experienced in your relationship differs from people around you.”
“That being said,” he adds, “it’s perfectly normal if you want to set reasonable goals that aren’t time-based to help you move forward. For example, you may choose to start prioritizing a hobby or career goal as a distraction, which can be a healthy distraction.”
Don’t Jump Into a Rebound Relationship
What were we just saying about dating yourself instead of someone new right away? That’s worth its own bullet point.
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“Avoid rebound relationships,” says Hafeez. “While it might feel tempting to jump into another relationship to fill the void, this often leads to more emotional confusion and prevents you from fully healing.”
Try Therapy
Several months to a year-plus down the line, if all goes well, you might feel like you’ve genuinely moved on from your last relationship.
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However, it’s far from out of the question that you could find yourself still struggling to truly get over the relationship, despite the passage of time.
“There is no set timeline for getting over heartbreak,” says Magen. “If you believe it’s been too long and you feel ‘stuck,’ it’s good to talk with people about it, including professional therapists.”
“Seeking therapy is an excellent tool to help you heal from heartbreak, learn from the relationship, and move forward,” says Flores. “A therapist can help you reflect on your relationship, and build practices that can aid you in moving on in a healthy way.”
This can be a useful tool whether you’re just struggling to get back to normal, or if your feelings have seismic levels of sadness that are wreaking havoc on your ability to cope.
“If you are worried about yourself, connect with the therapist (find one by calling your insurance company or searching on PsychologyToday.com) or call 988, which provides free and confidential counseling 24/7/365,” says Magen.
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