And while it certainly does hold merit, experts say it can get a little more complicated when it comes to protecting your partner’s feelings in a romantic relationship.
A recent study involving hundreds of couples found that being more honest with your partner — even when the truth may hurt — can have numerous positive effects on the relationship. Which raises the question: Are there ever scenarios where it’s OK to tell a seemingly harmless fib to your partner once in a while?
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Here’s what couples therapists say about whether lying is ever acceptable — or should be avoided at all costs.
Is Lying Ever OK in a Relationship?
As a general rule, experts agree that it’s best to opt for honesty whenever possible.
That said, Becky Whetstone — a marriage and family therapist and author of the book I (Think) I Want Out: What to Do When One of You Wants to End Your Marriage — says there’s a difference between being upfront and being brutal.
According to Whetstone, you need to know how to edit yourself sometimes — and be able to distinguish between what needs to be communicated and what’s better left unsaid.
“The truth is that if we told our partners everything that we are thinking about them and their friends, family, career, and parenting, most of our relationships wouldn’t make it,” Whetstone tells AskMen. “Being in a relationship requires emotional intelligence. You have to ask yourself, ‘Is this really worth bringing it up?’”
Brianna Halasa, LMHC, a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, agrees — noting that relationships are nuanced and complex, and that telling the whole truth isn’t always the most loving choice.
“While honesty is the bedrock of trust, there are rare moments when a lie might be an act of care rather than deception,” she explains. “However, these exceptions are few, and they should never come from a place of fear, control, or avoidance of accountability.”
Even “little white lies” can chip away at trust — if they become a pattern, says Chelsea Newton, LCSW, founder of Phases of the Mind Therapy.
The key to determining whether lying is acceptable is to consider your intention, says Halasa. Are you trying to protect your partner’s self-confidence, or are you trying to sidestep consequences or awkward conversations?
“If you frequently lie to avoid conflict, like saying you’re fine when you’re not, resentment can build,” adds Newton.
Keep in mind that lies by omission — essentially, withholding information — can also be damaging.
“Not disclosing that a coworker hit on you or that you ran into an ex might seem harmless if ‘nothing happened,’ but what matters is the intent behind withholding,” says Newton. “If you’re omitting details because you fear your partner’s reaction, ask yourself whether this silence is protecting them or protecting yourself from an uncomfortable conversation.”
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On the other hand, Whetstone says she once dated a guy who told her that his mother frequently asked about her weight — something that made her feel scrutinized and hurt. This is a scenario where a lie by omission — in other words, just not sharing that info — would have been the better choice.
“He should have protected me from that injurious behavior, but instead, he cruelly shared it,” she tells AskMen.
Here’s the litmus test, according to Halasa: If you’re keeping this info from your partner because you’re worried about their response, that’s not a good enough reason to lie.
“Secrecy breeds suspicion, even when intentions are innocent,” Halasa explains.
Ultimately, Marisa T. Cohen, a licensed marriage and family therapist and dating/relationship expert at Hily, says every relationship is different — so figuring out what’s considered “OK” may warrant a conversation with your partner.
“Some people may decide that certain kinds of lies are OK for the purpose of protecting the other, whereas other partnerships center on radical honesty,” she explains. “The two of you must determine what works well for your relationship.”
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When Is It OK to Lie to Your Partner?
“There are moments when a gentle bending of the truth may serve a compassionate purpose,” says Halasa.
Here are some examples of when it might be OK to lie, according to experts.
To maintain a surprise: This might go without saying — but Halasa says telling your partner you’re “working late” when you’re really planning their surprise birthday party, or telling them you don’t have anything planned for their birthday when really you bought concert tickets, is totally fine.To spare your partner’s feelings: For example, Cohen says you might tell your partner you’re not too tired to go out (when you actually are) because you know how important an event is to them. Another example might be praising a homemade meal even if it’s not your favorite, because you want to acknowledge and show appreciation for the effort, adds Newton.To soothe and uplift: Telling your partner they looked calm during a speech they were (visibly) nervous about — because you want to uplift their confidence when they’re already being self-critical — is another example of an acceptable lie, says Halasa.To offer comfort during uncertain times: You might tell your partner everything is going to be OK — when you really can’t guarantee that. Since your intention is simply to offer some much-needed reassurance, and help them to avoid anxious spiralling that won’t benefit them, Halasa says this is another situation where lying might be fine.
“Even in these cases, though, the lie should never be used to control, manipulate, or avoid accountability,” adds Halasa. “Compassion without clarity can become enabling. It’s about being discerning, not deceptive. A lie about something trivial today might feel necessary, but if it becomes a pattern, it can quietly erode intimacy.”
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When Lying Becomes Problematic
“When lying becomes habitual, it’s often a sign of something deeper: fear of conflict, unmet needs, or poor communication patterns,” says Newton. “If you’re concerned about your own tendency to lie — or your partner’s tendency — don’t ignore it.”
According to Halasa, even when seemingly innocuous little white lies pile up, they create an environment of uncertainty.
“If your partner finds out that you weren’t being fully truthful about small things, it can make them question whether they can trust the bigger things, too,” she explains. “Your partner may even start questioning their own perception of reality, which is corrosive to secure attachment.”
So, if your lying has become a pattern, Halasa advises pausing and asking yourself:
What am I afraid would happen if I told the truth?What parts of me are trying to stay safe through avoidance?Where did I learn that honesty isn’t safe — or that I won’t be loved if I’m fully seen?
“For many people, lying is a survival strategy learned in early environments where being truthful wasn’t welcomed,” she explains. “So rather than labeling yourself or your partner as ‘bad’ or ‘manipulative,’ try to understand the why beneath the behavior.”
This is where therapy — especially trauma-informed and relational therapy — can prove invaluable.
“It’s not just about telling the truth more often, it’s about healing the parts of you that learned to hide in the first place,” adds Halasa.
And within your relationship, Halasa emphasized that it’s important to rebuild trust through open dialogue.
“Acknowledge the impact of the dishonesty without defensiveness, and commit to creating a space where both people feel safe enough to tell the truth — even when it’s uncomfortable,” she says.
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