“Monkey-branching is a typology of behavior when an individual starts giving emotional or romantic attention to a new partner while still maintaining their current relationship,” explains Niloufar Esmaeilpour, Registered Clinical Counsellor and Founder of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre.
“Many people consider this type of situation as ‘practical’ or a means to avoid isolation, but, actually, it is purely betrayal and avoidance of accountability,” she adds.
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The concept of monkey-branching does sound like an innocent enough term, but swinging from one partner to the next with no breathing room in between inevitably means you’ve been doing the emotional work behind the scenes, essentially getting emotionally prepared to end one relationship and start the next behind your current partner’s back.
What Does Monkey-Branching Look Like?
According to Esmaeilpour, monkey-branching can look like sending covert messages, arranging clandestine meetings, or withdrawing emotionally from the existing partner, while at the same time, getting close to the next one.
“Although the current partner may not discover it right away, the behavior of monkey-branching can ruin trust because it violates the very basic elements of healthy relationships, which are openness and respect,” she adds.
Is Monkey-Branching Ever Ethical?
Compared to sleeping with someone behind your partner’s back, monkey-branching might seem innocent, but it toes the line between ethical and, well, outright infidelity.
From a legal perspective, Emma Alves, Senior Family Lawyer at Alves Law says that in her practice, the acceptability of this behavior is irrelevant as divorce in family court is a no-fault divorce.
“The court is not there to pass moral judgment, but it does pay attention to the critical legal concept of date of separation,” she explains. “Any new relationship brought about prior to this date constitutes adultery. Starting a new relationship before ending the old is a bad idea, as it almost guarantees a high-conflict ending.”
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While monkey-branching might not fit into the textbook definition of cheating, it’s still disrespectful to your current partner and can also hurt your potential future partner if you’re not clear about the fact that you’re still in a relationship when you’re building an emotional connection with them.
Ethically speaking, if you find yourself tempted to start building a connection with someone else, it’s worth considering ending things with your current partner and going at it alone before starting things up (even casually or emotionally) with someone new.
What Should You Do If You’ve Been Monkey-Branched?
“If a partner finds out that their significant other has monkey-branched, then my recommendation is to first take time to process the feelings and emotions,” says Esmaeilpour.
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“It’s completely normal to experience emotional shock, inadequacy, or even questioning oneself, and the right thing to do is to recognize them rather than push them down.”
According to Esmaeilpour, a partner-to-partner talk is of great importance; it is vital to get to the bottom of what transpired, the reason behind their decision, and if they are ready to accept full accountability for their action.
Esmaeilpour says it’s important to revisit your limits — consider whether it is realistic for you to trust again someone who has treated you in such a way or if being apart is the better option for your mental health.
This can go for both new partners and existing partners who have found out their partner had been keeping a roster of options in case they find themselves single.
Monkey-branching doesn’t necessarily mean you should end your relationship with your partner but finding out why they felt that they needed a “back up” before breaking it off with their last partner can be telling.
Long-term, switching partners like this may be a sign of bigger problems, such as no commitment, poor emotional control, or unwillingness to face conflicts, points out Esmaeilpour. Monkey-branching also suggests individuals are unable to be single or need to be in a relationship to feel validated.
“Relationships may go on, but these behaviors will keep coming back unless both partners do some serious thinking and, better still, go for therapy,” she says. “Trust, good communication and respect are necessary for healthy relationships, and monkey-branching often leads to the loss of all three.”
“If you find yourself in such a situation, getting help from a therapist or counselor will enable you to decide in favor of your emotional well-being and set the standard for how you wish to be treated in your future relationships,” Esmaeilpour concludes.
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