If you’ve kissed someone before then you probably have at least vague answers or a general feeling of confidence when it comes to the situation. But if you’ve never kissed anyone before, you might be more than a little nervous… and that’s understandable!
While people often make a bigger deal about first-time sex, your first time kissing can also be a big occasion. Whether it’s with someone you just met or someone you’ve had feelings for for a long time, if it goes well, it can be enormously exciting, fulfilling and special.
If it goes poorly, however, it can leave you down in the dumps and questioning your romantic self-worth. No one wants to be a bad kisser, after all!
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Whether you have someone you’re confident will want to kiss you back, or you’re just planning for future kisses with unspecified people, here’s what you should know about first kisses.
Is a First Kiss Important?
While it may feel momentous and Earth-shaking to some, and can signify the beginning of a beautiful relationship, first kisses aren’t necessarily all that special. For some people they happen quite young with a schoolyard playmate, for others they can take place in their 20s in a drunken blur at a bar.
Most people have their first kiss somewhere between childhood and young adulthood, with the teen years being a common time to start experiencing the magic of kissing. But whenever it happens is fine, so long as you’re comfortable with the pace and don’t feel pressured or rushed by someone else.
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That being said, while first kisses can be relatively unimportant for many — particularly if they happen with someone who doesn’t end up playing a big role in one’s romantic history — if you’ve never been kissed before, it can feel like the whole world is riding on your first kiss. Get it right and your happiness will be secured, screw up or get rejected and everything will collapse.
It’s common and understandable to be anxious about something you’ve never done before, especially something that’s loaded with so much meaning by movies and TV shows where kisses are so often used as a form of visual storytelling that two characters are experiencing romantic bliss and a climactic moment in their love story together.
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Kissing, done right, is really nice! However, this shouldn’t worry you too much. Unless you really don’t want to ever kiss anyone, you’ll likely have many opportunities to kiss many different people in your life.
The world is full of people who also enjoy kissing and, unlike sex, kisses are a bit easier to come by, since they’re typically seen as less intimate and meaningful than acts that involve nudity and/or genital touching.
You can kiss someone at the airport, on a park bench, in front of your family members and coworkers for instance. Sex, well, not so much.
In fact, kissing is seen as so casual by some people that it used to be common for fundraisers to feature “kissing booths” where one or more young women would “sell” kisses to people. Though some might see this as a form of very low-stakes sex work today, in the 20th century it was considered fun and shame-free by many.
In that context, hopefully you can see that kissing isn’t that big of a deal. Get it right (which isn’t that hard to do, even if you’ve never done it before) and you’ll have a lovely time; get it wrong and, well, not the end of the world. If the person you kissed genuinely likes you, there’s a good chance they’ll be willing to give you another chance — or several.
When Do People Have Their First Kiss?
When it comes to sex, people always seem to overestimate how much (and how many partners) other people have. Dating isn’t much different — though when you’re alone it may feel like you’re the only one, being single is very common, and not having been kissed before even into your 20s is relatively common — even if that wasn’t always the case.
After many consecutive decades of increasing societal comfort with sexual freedom leading to the rise of dating culture in the 20th century and into the 21st and shifts in how sexually exploratory people were, the coronavirus may have changed that in a big way.
A recent study conducted by DatingAdvice.com in partnership with the Kinsey Institute, for instance, found that “nearly half of Gen Z adults (48%) and over a quarter of millennials (26%) report they’ve never had sex.”
Thus far, the 2020s are a decade where being sexually or romantically experienced is much less common than it was a generation ago. The COVID-19 pandemic pushed pause on many people’s first experiences with sex and dating, and some came out of lockdown more hesitant to dive in than they might have been otherwise.
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Couple that with difficult economic conditions (meaning young people are more stressed out than they’ve been in a long time) and a shift towards online socializing (meaning people are casually mingling in person less) and you’re bound to end up with a cohort of people who are less experienced than their elders might have expected as they move through young adulthood.
While someone who still hadn’t ever had a kiss by their mid-20s might have been a relative rarity 10 or 15 years ago, today it’s much more common — and nothing to be ashamed of.
How to Have a Great First Kiss
While lots of people seem to think that guys should always be experienced and confident, that’s really not always true — or possible. Instead, being up front and admitting you’ve never been kissed before and would appreciate some patience, or even a lesson, will go a long way towards charming someone who’s interested in kissing you.
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If it’s with someone you’re already dating, an awkward first experience is unlikely to change their minds about you. Someone you just met might be less likely to give you multiple chances to get it right, so asking them for pointers (or a little grace) beforehand, rather than projecting a false confidence you don’t feel, could save the day.
Kissing isn’t rocket science, but it does require a little finesse. Most of the skill involved is simply responding to the other person rather than bringing an excess of energy (or saliva) to the situation.
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When people complain about bad kissers, a few issues make frequent appearances. Check them out below so you don’t make them during your own first kiss:
Bad Breath
Since kissing does mean smushing your mouths together, having non-terrible breath is ideal. If you think there’s a good chance you’ll be kissing someone for the first time shortly, carrying breath mints or gum is a strong idea.
Many people won’t mind if your breath just smells of whatever food and drink the two of you just ate together, but it’s not a bad idea to be safe just in case.
Too Much Tongue/Saliva
Kissing with tongue, also known as French kissing, is seen by many as one of the most exciting and erotic ways to kiss as you go beyond just touching each other’s lips into a deeper embrace.
However, just because it’s popular doesn’t mean everybody wants some — let alone right from the beginning. It’s not uncommon to hear people say, “I felt like I was kissing a dog from all the slobbering!”
Play it cool and go slow with your tongue, and see if your partner reciprocates with tongue action. If not, maybe save it for another time.
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Too Intense
It’s common when kissing someone for the first time to feel super-excited, but it’s important not to get so carried away that you make it an unpleasant experience for them. Kissing not infrequently does wind up getting hot and steamy, but it’s important to let it build to a state of passionate intensity slowly but surely.
Bringing your tongue, then hands into the equation (via caressing the other person, holding them tight, fondling them, etc.) may be super hot for some people, but it’s not what everybody wants — to say nothing of giving someone a hickey on the neck.
Taking things slowly at first and building, trying things gently or subtly and waiting to see how your partner responds is a good approach. If they want to get more intense as well, they’ll reflect that by reciprocating your actions or making encouraging noises (or even telling you outright).
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