Unfortunately, these skills are (to put it delicately) lacking in a lot of men. When you don’t listen effectively, your partner is more likely to feel misunderstood and uncared for.
But we’ll go out on a limb and assume you do care. So, where’s the disconnect? Well, according to experts, some guys just don’t grasp that there’s a difference between hearing and listening.
Becoming a better listener is one of the best ways to become a better partner. In fact, we’ll go so far as to say that it could be the thing that helps your relationship go the distance.
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Not sure where to start? Here are some expert-approved tips for sharpening those listening skills.
1. Resist the Urge to “Fix” Things
It’s one of the top things guys misunderstand about communicating: When their partner is venting, they immediately propose a “solution.” Sound familiar?
It’s important to acknowledge that there are typically good intentions behind this. It can be tough to see your partner sad, frustrated, anxious, or angry, and your instinct is probably to try and squash their discomfort (and yours).
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The problem with this approach, though, is that your partner may not be looking for a solution at all — and your response may leave them feeling invalidated.
According to therapists, this all-too-common mistake has evolutionary and societal roots.
“From a young age, many men are taught that strength means finding solutions, not sitting in discomfort,” explains Daniel Moultrie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of California Couples Counseling.
According to Amalya Tagakchyan, LCSW, a therapist and CEO at Untangled Path Therapy, the issue with acting before understanding is it becomes a missed opportunity to really connect with your partner.
“The need to fix can unintentionally send the message, ‘Your feelings make me uncomfortable,’ or ‘You shouldn’t feel that way’” adds Moultrie. “What most partners actually want in those moments is validation. Listening, without rushing to a solution, creates safety and trust, which is far more powerful than advice.”
That’s not to say there might not be occasions when your partner does want help fixing something. According to Caleb Birkhoff, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, your best bet is to simply ask: “Are you looking for ideas on how to handle this, or would you rather I just listen right now?”
“This keeps you from inflicting help, checks assumptions, and helps your partner feel seen,” says Birkhoff. “You provide opportunities for them to use their agency to choose the kind of support they need.”
2. Eliminate Distractions
No matter how good you may think you are at multitasking, the truth is it’s impossible to fully hear your partner if your attention is divided. That’s why David Hawkins, a clinical psychologist at Marriage Recovery Center, strongly advises putting away your phone and turning off the TV when your partner is trying to talk to you so you can be fully present.
Better yet, face them and make eye contact so they know they have your full, undivided focus.
And if you’re right in the middle of sending a work email or completing a task when your partner starts talking, just say: “Hey, I really want to be able to fully listen to you, mind waiting a minute while I finish this?”
3. Lean Into Curiosity
Whether your partner is unloading some gripes about their manager at work, expressing nerves about an upcoming event, or sharing their grief about a recent loss, asking open-ended questions can go a long way.
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“Being interested in your partner’s life and the things they care about is a genuine demonstration of your love,” says Hawkins.
Not only does asking questions show that you care, but it can also reveal more valuable information that enables you to understand where your partner is coming from. Here are some examples of open-ended questions to try:
Can you tell me more about what that felt like?
What’s the hardest thing about this situation for you?
In an ideal world, how would you like this to play out?
What’s your biggest fear about this right now?
Is there something I can do to support you better through this?
4. Listen With All Your Senses
Experts say when you listen with your whole body, rather than just your ears, you pick up on a lot more subtle but significant cues from your partner.
“Tone of voice, eye contact, and body language often communicate more than words,” explains Moultrie.
For example, if your partner has their arms crossed, they may be taking a self-defensive or protective posture because they’re feeling vulnerable. Or, if they avert their eyes when you ask them a question, that can signal discomfort or anxiety. When you pick up on this kind of information, you’re far better prepared to respond in an empathetic and helpful way.
By the way — you can show that you’re listening with your whole body, too. Angling yourself to face your partner and nodding at what they’re saying can go a long way in reassuring them that they have your attention.
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5. Reflect & Clarify
Summarizing or restating the key points of what your partner is saying and asking clarifying questions are both super effective ways to show them that you’re listening, and more importantly, that you want to make sure you understand correctly.
“This doesn’t mean parroting,” says Moultrie. “It means capturing the essence.”
For example, you might respond by saying: “So, let me make sure I’ve got this. When I didn’t call, it made you feel like you weren’t a priority. Is that right?”
This technique, known as reflection, shows empathy and accountability, according to Moultrie.
6. Don’t Underestimate the Power of a Pause
If you start to notice that you unintentionally invalidate your partner when they’re sharing something with you, experts advise working on simply pausing for a couple of seconds before you respond.
Take a breath, replay what you just heard in your head, and notice it’s landing in your brain and in your body.
You can even say to your partner: “Hold on a sec, I’m still taking in what you said.”
Giving yourself a few moments to process means you’re less likely to go into autopilot — which may mean “fix it” or defense mode. Instead, you can respond thoughtfully and with intention.
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