Being in a healthy, balanced relationship can be one of the most fulfilling experiences that life has to offer.
Your feelings are mutual. Your needs are equally prioritized. You approach conflict as a team. You don’t constantly wonder where you stand or why they haven’t reached out in three days because you communicate frequently and transparently.
Most of all, you feel loved and cared for.
If reading this makes you feel a little uneasy about the state of your current relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to break up. But it’s important to understand whether you’re more emotionally invested than your partner to address any issues head-on.
RELATED: How to Respectfully Disagree With Your Partner
Here are six subtle signs that you’re showing up more fully than your significant other, according to mental health professionals.
1. They Don’t Automatically Consider You in Their Plans
Maybe your partner hasn’t done something as obviously concerning as booking a trip with friends during your birthday weekend. But they still don’t consider you in their plans when you hear them talk about the future.
RELATED: How to Talk About Your Future Together
It can be as big as discussing relocation without any mention of you or your relationship, or as small as booking a weekend trip without checking in with you first.
When your partner doesn’t incorporate your needs and wants into future plans, it can be a sign that you’re not as big of a priority to them, according to LCSW Brooke Pomerantz.
“When your partner lives their life in a way that is more aligned with being single and unpartnered than part of a unit, it suggests that they have not internalized or prioritized your needs and wants as a couple,” says Pomerantz.
2. They Lack Empathy for What You’re Feeling
It’s impossible to always be perfectly attuned to each other. But ideally, you feel empathized with on a regular basis, especially if you’re going through a stressful week at work or your pet needs surgery.
If you feel like your partner doesn’t even notice when you’re going through challenges or rarely asks questions about what’s going on with you, it can be a sign that they’re more focused on their own needs than yours, according to Pomerantz.
3. You’re Often Analyzing Them
Are you often analyzing your partner’s behavior? Kaitlyn Steel, LMFT at Keystone Therapy Group, says that it can be a sign that you’re doing all the emotional labor in the relationship.
It can look like saying “I think you snap at our kids so much because it’s bringing up things from your childhood” or “You tend to fight back for a few minutes and then you just shut down and won’t engage with me when things get tense between us.”
That kind of emotional work can become exhausting, says Steel, who adds that it also creates a lot of room for misinterpretation and can leave your partner feeling “less than” because they don’t know how to do the emotional work for themselves.
Besides, if you don’t take a step back, your partner has no incentive to learn how to carry their share of the work.
4. They Avoid Vulnerable Conversations
Avoiding vulnerable conversations can be another red flag, according to Pomerantz.
If your partner is unable or unwilling to share their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, it means that they’re not contributing to one of the most crucial elements of a healthy relationship: honest communication.
RELATED: The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability
Over time, this lack of sharing creates distance between you, sabotages intimacy and leaves you feeling lonely even though you’re coupled up.
5. They Get Defensive When You Share Feelings and Thoughts
What happens when you open up is also telling.
If they “minimize, get defensive or gaslight,” it can signal a lack of emotional investment on their end, says Steel, especially if they never end up following up about what you shared and taking ownership for their actions.
“If only one person is willing to engage, you will eventually burn out,” she notes. “Imagine throwing a tennis ball at a brick wall with all your force over and over again. Eventually, you will get tired, you will stop throwing as hard, and you may even give up.”
6. You Try to Encourage Growth But They Don’t Seem Into It
You want to grow as a couple. You bring up ways to improve the relationship, like having a phone-free date night once a week, reading a relationship book or even going to couples therapy. Your partner may go along with it, but they don’t seem genuinely engaged.
“Or they want you to read the book or listen to the podcast and then ask you to ‘tell them about it’ but when you do, they don’t actively engage with what you share,” adds Steel. If you recognize yourself in this scenario, you may be in an imbalanced relationship, as your desire to invest in positive change is met with minimal commitment.
RELATED: Warning Signs You’re About to Break Up
Realizing that you’re putting more heart in the relationship than your partner can be disheartening. It doesn’t mean that your partner is a bad person or doesn’t care about you, but it’s OK to want more.
As Pomerantz puts it, “being in a balanced relationship in which both individuals are emotionally invested requires a consistent and ongoing commitment to considering the needs and wants of your partner and the health of your relationship as a whole.”
Every relationship has imbalances at times, but the question to ask yourself is whether you can get to that place as a couple – or whether it’s time to move on.
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Your feelings are mutual. Your needs are equally prioritized. You approach conflict as a team. You don’t constantly wonder where you stand or why they haven’t reached out in three days because you communicate frequently and transparently.
Most of all, you feel loved and cared for.
If reading this makes you feel a little uneasy about the state of your current relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to break up. But it’s important to understand whether you’re more emotionally invested than your partner to address any issues head-on.
RELATED: How to Respectfully Disagree With Your Partner
Here are six subtle signs that you’re showing up more fully than your significant other, according to mental health professionals.
1. They Don’t Automatically Consider You in Their Plans
Maybe your partner hasn’t done something as obviously concerning as booking a trip with friends during your birthday weekend. But they still don’t consider you in their plans when you hear them talk about the future.
RELATED: How to Talk About Your Future Together
It can be as big as discussing relocation without any mention of you or your relationship, or as small as booking a weekend trip without checking in with you first.
When your partner doesn’t incorporate your needs and wants into future plans, it can be a sign that you’re not as big of a priority to them, according to LCSW Brooke Pomerantz.
“When your partner lives their life in a way that is more aligned with being single and unpartnered than part of a unit, it suggests that they have not internalized or prioritized your needs and wants as a couple,” says Pomerantz.
2. They Lack Empathy for What You’re Feeling
It’s impossible to always be perfectly attuned to each other. But ideally, you feel empathized with on a regular basis, especially if you’re going through a stressful week at work or your pet needs surgery.
If you feel like your partner doesn’t even notice when you’re going through challenges or rarely asks questions about what’s going on with you, it can be a sign that they’re more focused on their own needs than yours, according to Pomerantz.
3. You’re Often Analyzing Them
Are you often analyzing your partner’s behavior? Kaitlyn Steel, LMFT at Keystone Therapy Group, says that it can be a sign that you’re doing all the emotional labor in the relationship.
It can look like saying “I think you snap at our kids so much because it’s bringing up things from your childhood” or “You tend to fight back for a few minutes and then you just shut down and won’t engage with me when things get tense between us.”
That kind of emotional work can become exhausting, says Steel, who adds that it also creates a lot of room for misinterpretation and can leave your partner feeling “less than” because they don’t know how to do the emotional work for themselves.
Besides, if you don’t take a step back, your partner has no incentive to learn how to carry their share of the work.
4. They Avoid Vulnerable Conversations
Avoiding vulnerable conversations can be another red flag, according to Pomerantz.
If your partner is unable or unwilling to share their thoughts and feelings on a regular basis, it means that they’re not contributing to one of the most crucial elements of a healthy relationship: honest communication.
RELATED: The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability
Over time, this lack of sharing creates distance between you, sabotages intimacy and leaves you feeling lonely even though you’re coupled up.
5. They Get Defensive When You Share Feelings and Thoughts
What happens when you open up is also telling.
If they “minimize, get defensive or gaslight,” it can signal a lack of emotional investment on their end, says Steel, especially if they never end up following up about what you shared and taking ownership for their actions.
“If only one person is willing to engage, you will eventually burn out,” she notes. “Imagine throwing a tennis ball at a brick wall with all your force over and over again. Eventually, you will get tired, you will stop throwing as hard, and you may even give up.”
6. You Try to Encourage Growth But They Don’t Seem Into It
You want to grow as a couple. You bring up ways to improve the relationship, like having a phone-free date night once a week, reading a relationship book or even going to couples therapy. Your partner may go along with it, but they don’t seem genuinely engaged.
“Or they want you to read the book or listen to the podcast and then ask you to ‘tell them about it’ but when you do, they don’t actively engage with what you share,” adds Steel. If you recognize yourself in this scenario, you may be in an imbalanced relationship, as your desire to invest in positive change is met with minimal commitment.
RELATED: Warning Signs You’re About to Break Up
Realizing that you’re putting more heart in the relationship than your partner can be disheartening. It doesn’t mean that your partner is a bad person or doesn’t care about you, but it’s OK to want more.
As Pomerantz puts it, “being in a balanced relationship in which both individuals are emotionally invested requires a consistent and ongoing commitment to considering the needs and wants of your partner and the health of your relationship as a whole.”
Every relationship has imbalances at times, but the question to ask yourself is whether you can get to that place as a couple – or whether it’s time to move on.
You Might Also Dig:
Habits to Prevent Divorce Later in LifeCommon Phrases That Cheaters UseHabits That Erode Trust in Relationships