Case in point: the concept of ‘date them til you hate them.’ The trend might be catchy, but according to relationship experts, this dismissive approach to dating and breaking up can cause issues far beyond the end of your current relationship.
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“‘Date them til you hate them’ is an online idea/trend where you stay in a problematic relationship but never talk about or try to work out the problems for the purpose of eroding any positive feelings you have about your partner,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine.
“It leads to developing feelings of disgust about them, thus ensuring that eventually, after too much time, you will break up with them and supposedly not feel bad at all because you don’t even like them,” she adds.
Why This Dating Trend Isn’t the Best Idea
“When something becomes viral, you have online people recommending self-destructive trends to others, and plenty of people are susceptible to being drawn in because in fact they don’t like confrontation, or they have avoidance in relationships,” explains Saltz. “But sadly, this pattern of behavior hurts both the one doing it and the one being on the terrible receiving end.”
“‘Date them til you hate them,’ for example, never makes sense,” says Saltz. “No relationship can do well, improve or sustain even without communicating about differences and problems large and small.”
According to Saltz, all relationships have issues along the way, and never addressing them does actually doom the relationship, even if it’s a relationship that could have been improved and thrived.
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“‘Date them til you hate them’ raises clear problems in dating that I wish we did not need to experience as a culture to find a good partner,” adds Nicole Prause, Ph.D, licensed psychologist specializing in sexual physiology. Here’s why it’s not the best idea to opt into this break-up trend:
1. It Sets a Negative Expectation
“‘Date them ’til you hate them’ sets the expectation that negativity is always just around the corner to derail the relationship at any moment,” says Prause. “Dating is, by definition, a hopeful activity where someone tries over and over with the hope that there is a positive partner and experience imminent.”
While this hope is, by definition, somewhat delusional (every date “fails” until it does not), Prause says it is necessary to maintain motivation to continue dating.
2. It Encourages Impulsive Overcommitment
“‘Date them til you hate them’ can encourage impulsive overcommitment, where people may accelerate the relationship prematurely, believing ‘no hate’ is evidence of relationship success,” explains Prause. “While there are ongoing cultural and scientific debates about ‘good enough’ dating, sex, and similar topics, there is always a need for balance.”
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According to Prause, just like partners need to be willing to trust someone new to have a romantic relationship, they also need to be sufficiently skeptical not to rush in trusting every claim without healthy skepticism.
3. It Wastes Time for Both of You
“This idea is designed not only to create a slow death for the relationship, but it also wastes a lot more time with someone you won’t end up with,” says Saltz.
4. It Hurts Communication Style
According to Saltz, opting into ‘date them til you hate them’ can actually harm healthy communication styles for future relationships — both for you and your ex-partner.
5. It Decreases Self-Esteem
“This trend can decrease self-esteem because you and your ex-partner will end up feeling yucky about both yourselves and the other person,” explains Saltz.
6. It Can Feel Like a Betrayal
“‘Date them til you hate them’ harms trust because being frozen out of your partner’s emotional life feels like a real betrayal,” adds Saltz. “Someone who is extremely scared of feelings person or who’s extremely narcissistic may feel the benefit to them is dodging confrontation, so they may see that as a benefit, but I would argue dodging all confrontation is self-sabotaging for a poor and undeniably unsuccessful way of relating to people.”
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“If something is a problem in your relationship, talk about it, nicely, calmly, constructively and early instead,” urges Saltz. “See if you can make changes in yourself and in your partner by discussing it such that you both find a way.”
If there is no way after much discussion and some time, and it’s a deal breaker… then break the deal.
“Staying in a bad relationship that cannot change helps neither of you,” says Saltz.
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