If you’re a guy, your chances of getting proposed to are fairly low; taking into account all the different gender configurations of relationships out there, most proposals are initiated by a guy. So when do you finally do it?
A lot of people choose to do it in wintertime, and yet more choose to do it around the holidays. But what about doing it, well, on Christmas?
The Christmas proposal does make a certain kind of sense. It’s a special day, why not add a special moment to it? It’s about gift-giving, why not give someone an engagement ring? It’s about family; why not ask someone to officially, legally join your family?
However, not everyone appreciates those synergistic aspects. Many see the Christmas proposal as tacky; and it brings with it a host of potential issues that standalone proposals don’t carry.
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So who’s right? In order to get a better idea of whether the Christmas proposal is a good idea or not, AskMen spoke to a couple of relationship experts, as well as polling some regular folks on their opinions. Here’s what they had to say:
How Common Are Christmas Proposals?
“Many wedding industry surveys show that the holiday season, specifically November through Valentine’s Day, tends to show an uptick in proposals,” says Marisa T. Cohen, marriage and family therapist. “Proposals are often clustered around family gatherings during the holidays.”
“According to Statista, in 2020, 19% of all proposals happened in the month of December,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of 52 Weeks to Better Mental Health: A Guided Workbook for Self-Exploration and Growth. “I experience that with my clients, many of whom ask for guidance about proposing, especially during the holiday season. My own husband proposed to me on the Sunday after Christmas, at his housewarming party.”
That being said, data on proposals that occur on Christmas Day itself is harder to come by. However, it is a familiar trope and, anecdotally, seems like a fairly common pick. It makes sense — as noted above, Christmas is already a time associated with gift-giving, special moments, family and surprises. However, that doesn’t mean it’s a perfect fit by any means. So let’s dive into the pros and cons:
The Pros & Cons of Proposing at Christmas
Pro: Celebrate With Family
If you’re celebrating the holidays with family, hopefully you have a good relationship with them, which means extra people you love who will be excited about the proposal.
“Many people are drawn to proposing during the holiday season because it naturally lends itself to shared celebration, as your loved ones are already gathered,” says Cohen. “This makes it easy to include family and friends in the moment.”
Especially if those family members live far away or aren’t often around, a Christmas proposal can be a great way to make them part of the excitement.
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Con: Less Intimacy
The flip-side of the family thing, however, is that family members aren’t always fun to be around.
“Because gatherings are already planned around a different purpose, the proposal may not feel as special to everyone involved,” says Cohen. “If someone was hoping for a quieter, more intimate moment, proposing in the middle of a large family gathering can shift the focus and experience.”
“There’s a trend, especially with social media, of doing big, splashy proposals (on the scoreboard at a game; with a flyover banner; at a fancy restaurant with everyone watching),” says Tessina. “I don’t recommend doing that.”
“In the first place, if the answer happens to be ‘no’ you’ll be both heartbroken and mortified,” she explains. “Even if the answer is yes, your intended can feel embarrassed and overwhelmed by the public nature of the event.”
That still applies for asking at a family gathering; the mere presence of other people, even if they’re relatives, can change the way the moment feels, and not always for the better.
Pro: Holidays Are a Special Time of Year
Thanks in part to many people having time off from work, the approach of the new year and the closeness of the winter solstice, Christmastime can feel like it’s its own thing entirely, separated from regular life, which can work to your advantage.
“The holidays can also be a reflective time of year, when people slow down and focus on what matters most to them, including connection, commitment, and the future they are building with their partner,” Cohen says. “Taking the next step in a relationship can feel especially meaningful.”
Even if it’s not as visually impressive, “It is much more romantic to be simple about it,” Tessa says. “Bring your intended to a place where you two have enjoyed being alone together, and ask there. Your odds of success will increase if the location is romantic and meaningful to both of you. Then you can make the social media splash when you announce your engagement and show off the ring.”
Whether it’s picturesquely snowy or (more likely) not, going for a moonlit walk together on Christmas night could be the exact right moment to kneel down and pop the question.
Con: Extra Stressors
While the holidays are often seen as a joyful time, they can also be stressful for that same reason as people’s expectations run sky-high.
“Depending on where the holiday is being celebrated and who is hosting, travel, preparation, and family dynamics can add stress, which may dampen what is meant to be a joyful moment,” says Cohen.
If your partner, for instance, is a major part of the holiday planning and is feeling overwhelmed and overworked, they might not be in the right state of mind to properly appreciate a big romantic gesture with life-changing implications, even if it comes from a place of love.
Pro: There’s Cover for Your Secrecy
If you need time alone to purchase a ring or plan the proposal out, it won’t seem as suspicious, since pre-holiday gift planning often requires a degree of deception. In fact, if your story doesn’t add up at any point, you can (truthfully) tell your partner you’re planning their surprise gift, without revealing what it is.
(Speaking of sneaking, you may want to do some surreptitious work to figure out how big your partner’s ring finger is before you make any big purchases…)
Con: It May Be Seen as Tacky
Multiple women AskMen spoke with on the matter essentially said the same thing: Christmas proposals are kind of… well, tacky.
That’s not the end of the world, and it doesn’t mean every person sees the matter that way, but it is something to keep in mind. If your partner is often particular about things and dismissive of fads, trends or popular things, there’s a chance they might see a Christmas proposal as falling into that and prefer something more original.
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Ultimately, it’s a question of what works best for you and (especially) for your partner, since you have more control as the asker.
“I would recommend a holiday proposal if you are both close with your families and genuinely want them to be part of the celebration,” says Cohen. “It can be especially meaningful if your relationship has been shaped by a shared love of the holidays or a deep appreciation for seasonal traditions.
However, she notes, if you and/or your partner are more about privacy and intimacy, you may prefer to focus on moments less associated with family togetherness.
“There is no one-size-fits-all approach,” Cohen says. “Preferences vary; some people dream of something small and private; others want something big and celebratory. Some people prefer to be involved in the planning, while others hope for a complete surprise.”
Ultimately, she says, it’s about knowing your partner well enough to have a clear sense of what they’d like.
Christmas Proposal Dos & Don’ts
If you feel like the Christmas proposal is right, how can you make it work for you and your partner?
Think About What Your Partner Would Want
“Consider the type of proposal your partner wants,” says Cohen. “For example, do they want their family (or yours) to be involved in the actual proposal itself, or would they rather keep that moment private and invite loved ones in to celebrate afterward? These distinctions matter, as they shape how the experience will feel.”
Hopefully, you have a sense of what your partner likes and dislikes, and you may even know what kind of proposals they find tacky vs. romantic. Ideally, you’ve talked in the past year or so about marriage and proposals at least a little bit, whether straightforwardly or in a roundabout way, so as to get a clearer sense of how to approach the situation.
And, if you ultimately realize you’re not 100% confident your partner would be stoked by a Christmas proposal, or if you realize it’s just not realistic to afford the kind of ring you’d want to give by Christmas, there’s no harm in waiting a little longer and popping the question further down the road.
Don’t Treat the Ring Like an Afterthought
Speaking of the ring, if you’re giving your partner a ring for Christmas, put some thought into it, the way you would into a very expensive and meaningful gift… particularly with regards to what they would want in a ring.
If you haven’t already talked about it — which, realistically, you should before proposing — you should “do your best to get some information about what your intended would like” when it comes to a ring, says Tessina: “Window shop with her at jewelry stores to get an idea of what she’d like for a ring; unless you have a family heirloom to use.”
The idea is for your partner to wear the ring for the rest of their life, so it’s important to get something they like, she adds.
“Most jewelry stores will let you exchange a ring for something she likes better,” says Tessina, but lots of people might be reluctant to complain about a ring they don’t like for fear of hurting their partner’s feelings, particularly if you pop the question in front of a bunch of family members.
Be Thoughtful About When You Ask
Though jaw-droppingly intricate proposal ideas are probably not the move, that doesn’t mean it has to be humdrum. One approach Cohen recommends for a Christmas proposal is to incorporate it into an aspect of the Christmas celebration that holds special meaning for your partner or for the two of you.
“For instance, if you’re visiting family for the holidays and your partner often talks about how much they love caroling with the neighbors, that familiar and joyful tradition might be the perfect, meaningful moment to get down on one knee.”
That being said, if you haven’t discussed it much, or at all, doing it privately is a better bet.
If it’s going to be a big surprise, keeping at just the two of you means your partner won’t feel pressured by the presence of others to respond a certain way, which can mean you’ll get a more genuine response.
Then, if they say yes, you can celebrate together with family afterward.
However, if you’ve talked about it enough to know your partner will say yes and that they’ll be into a Christmas proposal, doing it during the present-opening portion of the day — whether that’s first thing in the morning, the night before, or some other part of the day — can still be the right move.
Just make sure you ask someone else who’ll be present to surreptitiously film the thing so you can get the look on your partner’s face when they realize.
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