If this scenario happens to you on a regular basis, you may start getting discouraged or think that it’s because of factors like your looks or height. But it’s often little habits that impact how you’re perceived by dates.
“I wish men understood that there is so much they can do to influence their dateability in terms of how they show up,” says psychotherapist Madeleine Phelan. “So many of my male clients beat themselves up over things they cannot control or change, like their height or appearance, instead of focusing on things they can influence.”
Colette Jane Fehr, LMFT and author of the book The Cost of Quiet: How to Have the Hard Conversations That Create Secure, Lasting Love, adds that your habits signal emotional stability and respect: “If they’re not consistent, or worse, don’t portray you in the best way possible, a relationship isn’t going to go very far – even if there is that initial chemistry.”
RELATED: Understanding the Difference Between Attraction and Compatibility
So, what should you focus on to maximize your dateability? From how you treat the waiter to how you carry yourself in conversations, here are seven little habits that make you instantly more dateable, according to dating and relationship experts.
1. Being Consistent
Chemistry might be important, but many daters won’t settle for sparks without consistency. What does being consistent mean in practice and what kind of habits can you embrace?
Simply put, it’s when your words and actions align and you do the things you say you will, says Phelan, who adds that tangible ways to show consistency while dating include checking in regularly, calling or texting when you say you will, and following up within 24 hours to plan the next date.
2. Caring About Your Appearance
Research shows that people form snap judgements just by looking at your face — and this happens as quickly as within the first 39 milliseconds of an interaction.
Simple habits like showering, brushing your teeth, combing your hair and grooming your facial hair can make or break that very first impression, even if it’s unconscious. So, don’t skip those rituals before a date.
3. Treating Others Kindly
You’re probably not trying to be rude, but some moments can send the wrong message and lower your dateability.
RELATED: What Women Notice on a First Date
Maybe you’re short with the waiter because you’re nervous and trying to focus on your date, or you start venting about a coworker and sounding mean without realizing it. Dates take note of the way you treat others, and kindness is always attractive, regardless of who you’re speaking to or about.
4. Having Good Manners
Good manners aren’t old-fashioned. According to a survey commissioned by the Marriage Foundation, almost 60% of women aged 18-35 rate bad manners as a red flag.
“Basic manners go a long way,” says Fehr. “When you say please and thank you, ask how someone is doing, hold the door for others or wait to eat your meal until everyone at the table receives their food, it says a lot about you and makes you more dateable.”
RELATED: Red Flags in a Relationship
5. Talking About Feelings
While habits like good hygiene are more surface-level, matches and dates also pay attention to the way you deal (or don’t deal) with the realm of deeper emotions. As Fehr puts it, a man is more dateable when he can talk about his feelings.
Habits like being vulnerable, staying open when conversations get emotional and carrying yourself with maturity will generally be treated as green flags. If you struggle talking about feelings, even sharing that fact is better than shutting down or changing the subject when a conversation gets more intimate.
6. Asking Thoughtful Questions
Eric Resnick, online dating coach and founder of ProfileHelper, says that many straight women complain about men not truly listening to them.
“If you’re someone who can’t focus and contribute to a conversation, it makes women feel like you are really only there for what you might get at the end of the date. It’s a habit that gives off an extremely unlikable vibe,” says Resnick.
RELATED: How Asking Questions & Listening Make You Way Sexier
Get into the habit of asking follow-up questions and being genuinely interested in the answer — it’ll go a long way to increase your dateability.
7. Not Trying Too Hard
Caring about making a good impression is human. It means you’re actually invested in the outcome of a conversation or a date, and that’s a good thing. But trying too hard to look cool can backfire and come across as performative.
RELATED: Dating Mistakes That Make Men Seem ‘Thirsty’
“Women can smell it a mile away, and it smells like desperation and false bravado. Be yourself. Smile. Don’t worry about trying to impress her,” adds Resnick.
The best part? None of these habits are about changing who you are. They’re tweaks that can make a big difference in the momentum you build while dating — all while staying true to yourself.
You Might Also Dig:
The Benefits of Embracing Vulnerability20 Different Ways to Successfully Find Love This YearNon-Sexual Things That Women Find Wildly Erotic