Dating requires a lot of putting yourself out there — asking for someone’s number, reaching out over text, leaning in for a kiss goodnight, and saying those three little words.
That can make it inherently difficult if you’re shy by nature. You may hesitate to show interest or express how you really feel, due to fear of rejection.
And according to Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching, these fears can lead to inaction — thereby leading your crushes to think you’re not interested, and causing you to miss out on potentially meaningful connections.
“It’s important to remember that shyness is a common experience,” says April Maria, a sex educator and relationships and intimacy coach at JOYclub. “With practice, self-compassion, and introspection, you can work through it.”
To be clear, just because shyness can be a challenge definitely doesn’t mean you’re doomed in dating. But while you’re putting yourself out there, here are some expert tips you might want to keep in mind.
RELATED: How to Deal With First-Date Nervousness
1. Own Your Shyness
Viewing this trait as a flaw will likely only deepen your anxieties and insecurities. Besides, if you’ve ever seen almost any rom-coms, you know that shy guys don’t always finish last — in fact, they often get the girl in the end.
“See your shyness as a superpower,” says Maria. “Shyness can actually be a protective factor that can work in your favor. For example, your quiet nature might make you a great listener, allowing you to connect deeply with others and understand them on a more personal level.”
RELATED: Qualities Women Look for in a Man
Some people have a loud, boisterous energy — they draw attention to themselves when they walk into a room. Remember: While these guys may stand out, not everyone is attracted to this kind of personality. A quieter confidence can suggest you have nothing to prove. You don’t need the spotlight on you to feel important.
2. Tiptoe in With Online Dating
“Online dating is a good place to start for shy guys,” says Seeking.com dating expert Emma Hathorn.
There are several reasons why you might want to consider downloading an app or two. For one, sending a message can feel a little less intimidating than approaching someone in real life.
“Online dating allows you to take your time crafting messages and responses, reducing some of the pressure that comes with face-to-face interactions,” adds Maria. “It also provides a platform where you can showcase your personality and interests without the immediate fear of rejection. It’s a safe space that allows you to be yourself and connect with others who appreciate you for who you are.”
Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is still to become comfortable dating in person. So, once you build up your confidence a bit by having a few flirty exchanges with your app matches, then you can transition to phone calls and in-person dates, says Hathorn.
3. Use Your Shyness as an Alarm System
According to Hathorn, shyness in dating can actually be a useful tool — if you find that you’re more shy around certain people, that may signal a level of uncertainty or discomfort that’s important to pay attention to.
Think of it this way: “We are not shy around our best friends, who share our interests, and who fully understand us,” explains Hathorn. “A potential partner that makes you feel shy might not actually be right for you.”
Ideally, you want to find someone who makes you feel at ease being yourself.
“Use your shyness as a guide,” says Hathorn.
RELATED: Dating Tips for Introverts That Can Totally Change the Game
4. Take the Pressure Off
One way to work with your shyness — rather than fighting against it — is to take baby steps. Instead of heading straight to a local bar to try and pick up someone cute, Maria suggests starting by striking up casual convos with strangers in your everyday life — like a neighbor in your apartment building, or a barista at a local coffee shop.
“Compliment someone on their outfit or ask them about their weekend,” says Maria. “Over time, these small interactions will build your confidence and make initiating conversations in a dating context easier.”
The key here is to start the conversation not with the intention of getting their number or asking them out — but merely to connect. This will take the pressure off and allow you to engage in a more relaxed and authentic way.
“This is a great way to get your foot in the door,” says Gregg Steven Paine, a life coach for men.
Major bonus points if you can make them laugh, says Paine.
5. Choose Your Date Plans Mindfully
Your environment can make a huge difference in just how shy you feel on dates, so be sure to out some thought into where you’re meeting up.
“Consider taking a date somewhere you both have some knowledge or expertise,” says Angela Nicole Holton, a dating and relationship coach and Gender Intelligence Expert.
For instance, if you have a shared love of music, consider heading to an open mic night at a local coffee shop. That way, you won’t be pressed for conversation topics.
RELATED: Tried and True First Date Ideas
And while dinner may be the typical choice, Fierheller advises skipping the fancy restaurants for a first date. It puts a lot of pressure on you to keep the conversation rolling, whereas going to an art gallery, bowling alley, or farmer’s market gives you lots to talk about.
6. When in Doubt, Lean Into Curiosity
Remember this: You can never go wrong with asking questions.
“Another great approach for shy guys is to focus on active listening and showing genuine curiosity,” says Fierheller. “Shy people often aren’t big talkers, but that can be a strength.”
So, if your date tells you what they do for a living, follow up with “Wow that’s interesting, how did you get into that line of work?” or if they order an IPA at the bar, consider asking, “Is beer your go-to drink? What’s your favorite one?”
RELATED: The Power of Listening & Asking Questions on a Date
“Asking thoughtful questions and really listening helps the other person feel valued, and you don’t have to share too much about yourself upfront,” adds Fierheller.
7. Try a Little CBT
“Shy people may overanalyze their interactions, worrying about what others think of them or replaying conversations in their heads,” says Maria. “For some, this can lead to self-doubt and anxiety, which in turn might make them avoid dating or meeting people altogether.”
That’s where cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) comes in: this therapeutic approach is based on the idea that by changing negative thought patterns, you can change your emotions and behavior.
And studies have shown that it’s super effective for treating anxiety, too. Here’s how it works:
Say you meet someone at a party and you have a really great conversation. You exchange numbers, but then you never hear from them. Or worse, you reach out and they don’t respond. Now you’re spiraling. You start thinking they weren’t ever interested in you to begin with — the spark you felt was imagined, they only gave you their number out of pity, and now they’re avoiding you.
Using CBT, you can test those assumptions and then replace them with more positive alternatives. This starts with assessing the facts: which are that this person seemed more than happy to talk to your for almost an hour, and they eagerly offered to give you their phone number.
The only proof you have that they aren’t interested is that they didn’t text you back yet — but guess what? There are so many possible reasons why that have nothing to do with you. Maybe they had a really hectic work week. Maybe they’re waiting until they have a little more time to craft a thoughtful response. Maybe they really like you and they’re so nervous that they don’t know what to say yet.
By considering these alternative possibilities, you can eradicate a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
While CBT can be practiced on your own, but if you’ve never done it before, it can be really helpful to get some guidance from a licensed therapist who specializes in this modality.
A CBT therapist can also implement exercises and strategies that are personalized to your needs — for example, working through some worst-case-scenario thinking related to dating, or challenging any dating-related cognitive distortions you may have.
You Might Also Dig:
Introverts and ConfidenceHow to Deal With AnxietyTips for Picking Up Women
That can make it inherently difficult if you’re shy by nature. You may hesitate to show interest or express how you really feel, due to fear of rejection.
And according to Ken Fierheller, a registered psychotherapist at One Life Counselling & Coaching, these fears can lead to inaction — thereby leading your crushes to think you’re not interested, and causing you to miss out on potentially meaningful connections.
“It’s important to remember that shyness is a common experience,” says April Maria, a sex educator and relationships and intimacy coach at JOYclub. “With practice, self-compassion, and introspection, you can work through it.”
To be clear, just because shyness can be a challenge definitely doesn’t mean you’re doomed in dating. But while you’re putting yourself out there, here are some expert tips you might want to keep in mind.
RELATED: How to Deal With First-Date Nervousness
1. Own Your Shyness
Viewing this trait as a flaw will likely only deepen your anxieties and insecurities. Besides, if you’ve ever seen almost any rom-coms, you know that shy guys don’t always finish last — in fact, they often get the girl in the end.
“See your shyness as a superpower,” says Maria. “Shyness can actually be a protective factor that can work in your favor. For example, your quiet nature might make you a great listener, allowing you to connect deeply with others and understand them on a more personal level.”
RELATED: Qualities Women Look for in a Man
Some people have a loud, boisterous energy — they draw attention to themselves when they walk into a room. Remember: While these guys may stand out, not everyone is attracted to this kind of personality. A quieter confidence can suggest you have nothing to prove. You don’t need the spotlight on you to feel important.
2. Tiptoe in With Online Dating
“Online dating is a good place to start for shy guys,” says Seeking.com dating expert Emma Hathorn.
There are several reasons why you might want to consider downloading an app or two. For one, sending a message can feel a little less intimidating than approaching someone in real life.
“Online dating allows you to take your time crafting messages and responses, reducing some of the pressure that comes with face-to-face interactions,” adds Maria. “It also provides a platform where you can showcase your personality and interests without the immediate fear of rejection. It’s a safe space that allows you to be yourself and connect with others who appreciate you for who you are.”
Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is still to become comfortable dating in person. So, once you build up your confidence a bit by having a few flirty exchanges with your app matches, then you can transition to phone calls and in-person dates, says Hathorn.
3. Use Your Shyness as an Alarm System
According to Hathorn, shyness in dating can actually be a useful tool — if you find that you’re more shy around certain people, that may signal a level of uncertainty or discomfort that’s important to pay attention to.
Think of it this way: “We are not shy around our best friends, who share our interests, and who fully understand us,” explains Hathorn. “A potential partner that makes you feel shy might not actually be right for you.”
Ideally, you want to find someone who makes you feel at ease being yourself.
“Use your shyness as a guide,” says Hathorn.
RELATED: Dating Tips for Introverts That Can Totally Change the Game
4. Take the Pressure Off
One way to work with your shyness — rather than fighting against it — is to take baby steps. Instead of heading straight to a local bar to try and pick up someone cute, Maria suggests starting by striking up casual convos with strangers in your everyday life — like a neighbor in your apartment building, or a barista at a local coffee shop.
“Compliment someone on their outfit or ask them about their weekend,” says Maria. “Over time, these small interactions will build your confidence and make initiating conversations in a dating context easier.”
The key here is to start the conversation not with the intention of getting their number or asking them out — but merely to connect. This will take the pressure off and allow you to engage in a more relaxed and authentic way.
“This is a great way to get your foot in the door,” says Gregg Steven Paine, a life coach for men.
Major bonus points if you can make them laugh, says Paine.
5. Choose Your Date Plans Mindfully
Your environment can make a huge difference in just how shy you feel on dates, so be sure to out some thought into where you’re meeting up.
“Consider taking a date somewhere you both have some knowledge or expertise,” says Angela Nicole Holton, a dating and relationship coach and Gender Intelligence Expert.
For instance, if you have a shared love of music, consider heading to an open mic night at a local coffee shop. That way, you won’t be pressed for conversation topics.
RELATED: Tried and True First Date Ideas
And while dinner may be the typical choice, Fierheller advises skipping the fancy restaurants for a first date. It puts a lot of pressure on you to keep the conversation rolling, whereas going to an art gallery, bowling alley, or farmer’s market gives you lots to talk about.
6. When in Doubt, Lean Into Curiosity
Remember this: You can never go wrong with asking questions.
“Another great approach for shy guys is to focus on active listening and showing genuine curiosity,” says Fierheller. “Shy people often aren’t big talkers, but that can be a strength.”
So, if your date tells you what they do for a living, follow up with “Wow that’s interesting, how did you get into that line of work?” or if they order an IPA at the bar, consider asking, “Is beer your go-to drink? What’s your favorite one?”
RELATED: The Power of Listening & Asking Questions on a Date
“Asking thoughtful questions and really listening helps the other person feel valued, and you don’t have to share too much about yourself upfront,” adds Fierheller.
7. Try a Little CBT
“Shy people may overanalyze their interactions, worrying about what others think of them or replaying conversations in their heads,” says Maria. “For some, this can lead to self-doubt and anxiety, which in turn might make them avoid dating or meeting people altogether.”
That’s where cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) comes in: this therapeutic approach is based on the idea that by changing negative thought patterns, you can change your emotions and behavior.
And studies have shown that it’s super effective for treating anxiety, too. Here’s how it works:
Say you meet someone at a party and you have a really great conversation. You exchange numbers, but then you never hear from them. Or worse, you reach out and they don’t respond. Now you’re spiraling. You start thinking they weren’t ever interested in you to begin with — the spark you felt was imagined, they only gave you their number out of pity, and now they’re avoiding you.
Using CBT, you can test those assumptions and then replace them with more positive alternatives. This starts with assessing the facts: which are that this person seemed more than happy to talk to your for almost an hour, and they eagerly offered to give you their phone number.
The only proof you have that they aren’t interested is that they didn’t text you back yet — but guess what? There are so many possible reasons why that have nothing to do with you. Maybe they had a really hectic work week. Maybe they’re waiting until they have a little more time to craft a thoughtful response. Maybe they really like you and they’re so nervous that they don’t know what to say yet.
By considering these alternative possibilities, you can eradicate a lot of unnecessary anxiety.
While CBT can be practiced on your own, but if you’ve never done it before, it can be really helpful to get some guidance from a licensed therapist who specializes in this modality.
A CBT therapist can also implement exercises and strategies that are personalized to your needs — for example, working through some worst-case-scenario thinking related to dating, or challenging any dating-related cognitive distortions you may have.
You Might Also Dig:
Introverts and ConfidenceHow to Deal With AnxietyTips for Picking Up Women