“Everything you learn is a tool, not a crutch. Flirting techniques are one of many ways you can use to start improving your overall ‘package.’ As in carpentry, if you have the right tool for the right job, it can work great. Wrong tool? It can go horribly,” according to dating and relationship expert Hunt Ethridge.
For example, you may have been told to smile and ask a lot of questions. Harmless enough, right? But a charming smirk and a thoughtful question are very different from running up to someone with a joker’s grin and bombarding them with questions, notes Ethridge.
If you’re a straight man, you’re also dealing with the fact that women are often frightened when strangers approach them in public. “Women are disproportionately more likely to be a victim of a violent crime, and men are more likely to be the perpetrators, so those fears are justified,” says Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com.
RELATED: 10 Compliments Women Can’t Resist
This doesn’t mean you should give up trying to flirt altogether, but it’s important to be aware of both the context and your approach. The same flirting tip can work out positively or lead to disaster depending on how you use it, says Ethridge. To help you gain more insight, here are five flirting techniques that can backfire if not used properly.
5 Flirting Techniques that Can Backfire
The “Triangle Method”
Have you heard of the viral “triangle method” flirting technique? It’s a three-step process that involves eye contact: Quickly look at one of the person’s eyes, then their mouth, and then look back up at the opposite eye.
While eye contact can be seductive and is one of the simplest ways to flirt, it can easily veer into creepy territory if it turns into staring. Trying to follow the “triangle method” may end up looking unnatural and make the person on the receiving end of it uncomfortable.
Just hold your crush’s gaze for a couple of seconds longer than normal – anything more is overkill. Or use eye contact in a conversation. “When making a poignant point or observation, meet their eyes for impact,” suggests Ethridge.
Compliments
Compliments can be flattering – or they can scare a romantic interest off faster than the time it takes to say that you like their outfit.
This is especially true when it comes to women and comments about their body. “Dudes, we know you like our body and want to get close to it. But treating a [woman you don’t know ] like a sex object feels more like harassment than a compliment,” says Walsh.
Save compliments for moments when you have something genuine and thoughtful to say. Steer clear of anything with sexual undertones and be careful about commenting on physical attributes.
Physical Touch
Flirting using physical touch can be tricky as well. You may think that a polite tap on the shoulder is an appropriate way to approach someone, but it can cross boundaries and make them feel unsafe. Respecting people’s personal space is crucial, and it’s best to avoid using physical touch when attempting to flirt.
“Trust me, if you haven’t earned her trust, a woman’s entire body might go into a fight-or-flight stress response triggered by a stranger’s touch. Nearly one third of American women have suffered abuse as a child (sexual, physical, or emotional) and some may be running on undiagnosed PTSD. Give her appropriate personal space and earn her trust,” recommends Walsh.
In some cases, something like a well-timed light touch on the forearm can be appropriate and work well. But it requires an astute awareness of social cues, relationship dynamics and body language. In other words, it can very easily backfire.
Humor
“Evolutionary psychologists say that humor evolved as a mating strategy to signal high intelligence,” according to Walsh. However, in order to make humor work in your favor, you need to be naturally funny and know your audience. Otherwise, risking a joke could backfire.
For example, Ethridge says that a politically incorrect joke may not land well, whereas sharing a mildly embarrassing personal moment might elicit laughter. Use humor with caution, unless that’s your thing and you’re confident about it.
Mansplaining
You may not see it as a form of mansplaining. Maybe you notice that their deadlift form could use improvement. Perhaps you see them struggling to pick a bottle of wine. You just see an opportunity to approach someone you are attracted to by being helpful. But unless they ask you for advice or input, it’s a flirting tactic that can end up being counterproductive.
Even though you have good intentions, Walsh warns that offering unsolicited advice might come across as bragging, competing or criticizing – and it can be a turn-off. Save this one for occasions when you are actually asked for help.
The Dos and Don’ts of Using Flirting Techniques
If you want to level up your flirting game by practicing techniques, it’s important to refine your skills in non-threatening settings. That way, you won’t blow your chances with someone you’re interested in.
“Learning how to physically approach someone so that you send a friendly vibe is a skill that can definitely be practiced. You can do it in different ways, with friends, colleagues, clerks, etc. Then it will be much easier when you want to go and approach someone to flirt,” says Ehtirdge.
Ready to flirt for real? Pick the setting wisely, recommends Walsh: “Good bets are coffee shops, airplanes, restaurants or clubs, social clubs like SoHo House, even grocery stores. Consider location and circumstances: For instance, seizing a moment of privacy by approaching her in an underground parking garage is never a good time to flirt.”
Whatever you do, don’t regurgitate memorized lines at the risk of looking like a disingenuous pick-up artist.
Most of all, remember that giving off the vibe that you’re comfortable in your own skin is key. If you want to achieve that, it’s important not to use a flirting technique that feels unnatural or that you’re insecure about using. Lean into your authenticity and remain respectful. You’ll be an advanced flirter in no time.
You Might Also Dig:
How to Ask Her to Send NudesFirst-Date Mistakes You Don’t Want to MakeSigns She’s Not Interested in You